Irate Air Traffic Controller
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between ‘C’ and ‘D’, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
“Wasn’t I married to you once?”
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!
So You Want To Become A Doctor (Decapitation)
Well, contrary to popular belief, becoming a doctor isn’t that hard.
Okay, so you won’t be an ‘official’ doctor, but when people are screaming because their boy has just accidentally swallowed a brick they don’t ask for I.D before letting you slice up their kid. So, for the kind of doctoring you’ll be doing all those permits and bits of squiggly card aren’t really necessary.
1. Choose the thinnest part of the neck and mark a line around it.
Also, although they may never be paid, it is always a good idea to give the patient a bill for your services. This is because the intense worry of having to pay a ridiculously high medical bill, combined with your dodgy surgery is almost guaranteed to kill them in no time at all.
An American tourist, was wandering in Tel Aviv, when, suddenly, he feels a strong urge to urinate … looking all over for a bathroom, the American fin ally goes to the nearby alley, stands in a hidden corner near a high wall and begins undoing his zipper.
Before starting to urinate, the tourist feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and in front of him he sees an Israeli policeman.
Excuse me, sir, says the policeman, it is not allowed to urinate in public places…
The American apologizes and says he had no choice – he could not help it, as he could not fund a public bathroom.
I’ll help you – says the policeman…follow me. He leads the tourist through a small gate in a wall and shows the tourist the way in.
The tourist enters and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets: he stood in a magnificent and well groomed garden, full of manicured lawns, with flowers, shrubs and trees. Here and there he saw statues and ornamental ponds and deep in the garden there was a magnificent building.
The policeman points to a tree and tells the tourist: No problem, you can urinate right here.
The tourist urinates, makes a sigh of relief and asks the policeman, is that what you call “Israeli politeness”?
No, the policeman replies, – we call it the Turkish Embassy.
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?”
This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I was laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Winter Amish Sex
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The mother replied, ‘Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.’ The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The girl replied, ‘Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.’ He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, ‘My nose is cold.’
The girl replied ‘Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.’ He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ‘My penis is frozen solid.’
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?’
Concerned the mother said, ‘Why yes….. why do you ask?’
The daughter replies, ‘They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they!’
Jackie Mason On Starbucks
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for coffee because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that’s 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop, they’ll give you all the cream you want until you’re blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream.
“Here’s all the cream you want!’ And it’s still 60 cents. You know why? Because it’s called “coffee.” If it’s Cafe Latte – $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop. They’ll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it’s cinnamon? It’s the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon – 60 cents, that’s it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it’s Cinnamonnier – $9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they’ll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you’re 27 and keep drinking coffee until you’re 98. And they’ll start begging you, “Here, you want more coffee? Do you know you can’t get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee – $350. And it’s burnt coffee. It’s burnt coffee at Starbucks. Let’s be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, “It’s the bottom of the pot. I don’t drink from the bottom of the pot.” But when it’s burnt at Starbucks, they say “Oh, its a blend. It’s a special bean from Argentina. . .” The bean is in your head.
And there’s no chairs in Starbucks. Instead they have these high stools. You ever seen these stools? You haven’t been in a char that high since your were two. Old people are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the stool. And when they get to the top, they can’t even drink the coffee because there’s 12 people around one little table, and everybody’s saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me . . .”
Then they can’t get off the stool. Old people are begging, “Mister, could you get me off of this?” Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. So poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn’t have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so your paid less.
It’s all the same as Starbucks, no chairs, no service, and a cardboard cup for your coffee – except in Starbucks the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it’s worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you’re going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it’s $9.50. And you can’t put butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don’t give you the butter or the cream cheese. They tell you where it is. “Oh, you want butter? It’s over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here.” Now you become your own waiter. You walked around with a tray for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says, “Tips.” You are waiting on tables for an hour and you owe him money.
Then there’s a sign that says please clean it up when you’re finished. They don’t give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you’ve become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. “Oh, he’s got dirt too? Wait, I’ll clean this up.” They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, “I have a great idea for a business. I’ll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. Instead of 60 cents for coffee, I’ll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I’ll have no tables, no chairs, no waiters, no busboys, and you’ll clean it up for 20 minutes after you’re finished.” Would you say to me, “that’s the greatest idea for a businesses I ever heard? We can open a chain of these all over the world! No, you would put me right in a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything.
Sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don’t like to talk about people.
Mind Games Dogs Can Play With Humans
To the Viewer:
This message is intended for dogs only!
If you have not yet taught your dog how to read, please read it to them.
After your humans give you a bath, Don’t let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then, when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go “pee”, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go “poo”. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag or scooper. Bonus points for well manicured lawns — double points if the property owner is sitting on his porch.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. Look as if you’re being mistreated, search the stranger’s eyes seeking pity.
Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door, look around frequently as if danger is lurking and you just want to protect your human.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Have fun playing with your human!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, health care, government health insurance, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, credit card debt…..
I called the Suicide Hotline.
Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in
front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him: “You’a gonna try again.”
New Airline Rules
(We All Knew It Would Come To This)
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.
Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can’t believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there’s a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.
Star Trek Future
There are so many Star Trek spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and sexuality of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Sex with Aliens
Just Move Already
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Random Rants About Stuff That Ticks Me Off
I’m kinda bored, sitting here in front of my computer with nothing really to do. I’m in kind of a bad mood, so maybe I’ll just rant about a few things that tick me off. You got a problem with that?
Tattoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!
Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Hell I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heroes, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s gay.
Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you soooo obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eyebrows? Great. Let’s get it on!
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.
“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold! — there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, “For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?”
Russ replied, “I was in jail.”
“Jail?” cried Sam. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Russ said, “you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.”
“The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath.”
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.
Silence Is Golden
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/ doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ Glass of wine
It should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
My Point Exactly
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:
‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’
The doctor replied, ‘my point exactly.’
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn. had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Hotel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the hotel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the hotel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. “No, that won’t be necessary,” Leola said. “We trust you.”
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers’ convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter’s wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. “There’s no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.”
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Hotel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the hotel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, “We’re prepared to offer you $200,000 for the hotel.”
Leola replied. “We’ll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.”