Batman vs. The Penguin (with Patton Oswalt)
Light Sabers…In Real Life…Sort Of
Movie Ratings Explained
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!
The Monkey And The Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”
The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”
Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive IV
• There are plenty of businesses like show business.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not waste chalk.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• I will not instigate revolution.
• I will not draw naked ladies in class.
• I did not see Elvis.
• I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
• Garlic gum is not funny.
• They are laughing at me, not with me.
• I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
• I will not encourage others to fly.
• I will not fake my way through life.
• Tar is not a plaything.
• I will not Xerox my butt.
• It’s potato, not potatoe.
• I will not trade pants with others.
• I am not a 32 year old woman.
• I will not do that thing with my tongue.
• I will not drive the principal’s car.
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
Things Actually Said in Job Interviews
Hiring managers shared these memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
• “I have a problem with authority.” – Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, Housing Link
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
• “The resolution was we were both fired.” – Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
• “Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don’t have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it.” – Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
• “[He said] ‘Well, as you can see, I’m a young, virile man and I’m single — if you ladies know what I’m saying.’ Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, ‘I particularly like blondes.’” – Petri R.J. Darby, president, Darby Darnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
• “I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time.” – Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
• “Cross-dressing isn’t a problem is it?” – Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
• “If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?” – Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
• “What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it’s raining? Can you pick me up?” – Christine Pechstein, career coach
• “I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] ‘What does a chamber of commerce do?’” – Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
• “Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go.” – Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
• “What is your company’s policy on Monday absences?” – Campbell
• “If this doesn’t work out can I call you to go out sometime?” – Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
• “How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it’s some serious cash.” – Christine Bolzan
• “[The candidate asked,] ‘Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I’m not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.’ The dad did call. Then that dad’s friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents … long story.” – Christine Bolzan
• “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?” – Christine Bolzan
• “When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?” – Christine Bolzan
• “Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don’t plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room.”- Christine Bolzan
• “So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?” – Jodi R.R. Smith,
You know it’s going to be a BAD DAY when…
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
Thin People Don’t
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
…avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
…split a large combination pizza with three friends;
…think Oreo cookies are for kids;
…nibble cashews one at a time;
…think that doughnuts are indigestible;
…read books they have to hold with both hands;
…become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
…fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
…counteract the mid-afternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
…exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
…lose their appetites when they’re depressed;
…think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
…save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
…throw out stale potato chips;
…will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
…think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
…don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
…warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
…try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
…find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
…get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;
…have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
…think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
…bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
…think banana splits are for kids.
• A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Tips From The Redneck Book Of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
• Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
• Make yourself at home …clean my kitchen
• Better living through denial
• Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
Great Advice To Pass On To Your Daughters
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.