Robot Chicken – The Grimmest Reaper Moments
Alternate Ending To The Empire Strikes Back
A furious light saber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: “Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.”
Luke: “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!”
Darth Vader: “No! I am your father!”
Luke: “No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.”
Darth Vader: “Search your feelings; you know it to be true.”
Darth Vader: “Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?”
Darth Vader: “Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old.”
Darth Vader: “Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.”
Luke: “I destroyed your precious Death Star!”
Darth Vader: “When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!”
Luke: “Well, it’s not my fault.”
Darth Vader: “Oh, here we go. ‘Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith. waahhh wahhh!’”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Darth Vader: “You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!”
Luke: “I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!”
Darth Vader: “Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
Darth Vader: “I was wrong. You’re not my kid. I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine.”
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: “And get a haircut!”
Rejection Lines (and what they actually mean…)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women
I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance”)
There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
(You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon)
My life is too complicate right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing)
I’ve got a boyfriend
(who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry’s)
I don’t date men where I work
(Hey bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)
It’s not you, it’s me
(It’s not me, it’s you)
I’m concentrating on my career
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
(I’ve sworn off *only* the men like you.)
…..and the #1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it’s that ‘male perspective’ thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men
I think of you as a sister
There’s a slight difference in our ages
I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
My life is too complicated right now.
I’ve got a girlfriend
I don’t date women where I work
It’s not you, it’s me
I’m concentrating on my career
…..and the #1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
Let’s be Friends
(You’re SINFULLY ugly!)
A Pious Man
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple.
Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me.”
“So?” the Rabbi asked indignantly.
“So I don’t want to remind him!”
Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a happy meal.
• A few beers short of a six pack.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
• One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• All foam, no beer.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
• Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
• Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
• His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
• His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Several nuts short of a full pouch.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slinky’s kinked.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Picture Of Humility
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture – of handcuffs.
Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
Funny how these sound just like kids rules
The Psychiatric Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully to the little voice until it tells you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.”
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
A women asks man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints”.
A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”
Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company; with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.
If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord…
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll shoot him, and then say “No”.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. Announcements of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted never to regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.