Friday Fun Stuff – 6-7-19

Fake News Investigative Journalists

Bruce Wayne Is The Real Criminal

Know You’re Having A Bad Day When…

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
• You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver’s license picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in…and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
• You go to work and there’s a camera crew from 60 minutes waiting for you outside your office.

Quotes From Stupid

“The effects are fleeting and lingering…” – Overheard in a hallway

“In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.” – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

“A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.” – Announcer on KZOK radio

“An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.” – Irish Politician on RTE radio

“This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation.” – BBC world service.

“We have two incredibly credible witnesses here.” – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

“That race was all about competition.” – David Coleman, ITV

“And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us.” – Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What’s the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services.
Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services?

BBC Radio 1: “Marling – unbeaten in her three victories.”

Peter O’Sullivan, BBC2 TV: “Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.”

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: “A church spire nestling among the trees…there’s probably a church there too.”

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: “Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.”

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: “There’s nothing athletes like – or indeed hate – more than hanging around like this.”

“Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game.” – Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Fun Things To Do At A Bowling Alley

1. Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
2. When ever a strike “X” appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
3. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to plate tectonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
4. Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
5. Wear Golf Shoes.
6. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
7. Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
8. Play bocce with extra lane balls
9. Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again
10. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
11. Bring full angling gear, ask how they’re biting…
12. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
13. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
14. Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
15. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
16. Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
17. Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
18. Make fun of your team- Bring Tomatoes.
19. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”
20. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments


(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?
Me too.

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel inadequate too.

Yogi Berra Quotes

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot by just watching.”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” – Yogi Berra

Good To Be Chemist


- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The “opportunity” to deal with irate clients asking “where are my results?”
- Because it’s pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you’re doing on Friday night (You’re working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

You Might Be A Redneck If…

1. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
2. You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
3. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
4. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
5. You’ve ever bought a used cap.
6. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
7. You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
8. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
9. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
10. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
11. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
12. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
13. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
14. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
15. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
16. You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
17. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
18. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
19. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
20. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.

True Marketing Errors

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way.

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem-Feeling Free”, was translated into the Japanese market as “When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,” in Chinese.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Things You’ll Never Hear A Dad Say

• Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
• You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
• Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
• What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
• Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.
• Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
• No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
• Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
• Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.
• Don’t bother going to the pharmacy honey you can use my condoms on your date.

A Human’s Chalkboard Assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar.”
21. I will not cut my master’s nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”.
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”.
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping “illegally”.

Well It’s Not Like The Birds Didn’t Use It
Well It's Not Like The Birds Didn't Use It
I’m Gonna Kill That Damn Cat!
I'm Goina Kill That Damn Cat!
Warning: Not Responsible If You Wind Up In The Wrong Dimension
Warning Not Responsible If You Wind Up In The Wrong Dimension
Have You Seen My Dad? Not Sure, What Does He Look Like?
You Seen My Dad Not Sure, What Does He Look Like
Dose Somebody Want To Explain This?
Dose Somebody Want To Explain This
I Guess You Never Thought Of A Candle Screen Saver?
I Guess You Never Thought Of A Candle Screen Saver
And I Thought People In LA Were Weird, This Is Texas
But In All Fairness, It Is A Walmart!
And I Thought People In LA Were Wierd, This Is Texas
This Is Going To Take More Then Roses
This Is Going To Take More Then Roses
Darling, If I’m Lying May A Bolder Fall From The Sky And Flatten My Car
Honey, If I'm Lying May A Bolder Fall From The Sky And Flatten My Car
Hey You Wanted To Know!
Hey You Wanted To Know

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