If Bridesmaids Were Honest
BREAKING NEWS: Major Outbreak Of Sluts!
Super Business Slogans
Local ad for a plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip – call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”
On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
A Post-Surgery Question
You’ll be fine,” the doctor said after finishing the young woman’s surgery.
But, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed. “What’s the matter doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
• My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
• I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Billy Bob’s Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd
The farmer replied,” Billy Bob’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
“I see,” Gary said. “Well, she must have had a lot of friends.”
“Naw,” the farmer said, “we just all want to buy his mule.”
Top 10 Reasons To Become A Nurse
1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It’s better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends, at work.
10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
How Do You Feel?
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 85 years old, how do you honestly feel?”
”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.”
Sports Commentator Bloopers
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure they would like to take back:
1. Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”
2. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
3. Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing – but none of them really that serious.”
4. Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
5. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
Reading Of The Will
The relatives of the family’s rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you……….mess it up.
Better be safe than………………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the …………………………bug is close.
It’s always darkest before…………daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but…………………..how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………………looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a……………………………..Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………………….math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll……….stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the………………………pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s………………….pollution.
Happy the bride who……………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is……………………………..not much.
Two’s company, three’s…………………..the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……………………..you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind………get out of the way.
Male Or Female
From the Washington Post Style Section, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?