Friday Fun Stuff – 6-14-24

Best of Just For Laughs Gags – Best Sexy Pranks

Borat On Fox And Friends

I Really Get No Respect

1. “I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”
2. “My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday”
3. “One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
4. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!”
5. “Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!”
6. “For two hours…some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”
7. “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”
8. “This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.”
9. “A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me that is why we give you 21 days.”
10. “Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No days…just nights.”
11. “My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”
12. “They say…Love thy neighbor as thy self… What am I supposed to do? jerk him off too?”
13. “At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open. Boy…what a present he gave me!”
14. “My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed…Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.”
15. “I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”
16. “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg”.
17. “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”
18. “I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said why should I you never put out for me.”
19. “I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said…No, one drag is enough.”
20. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude…but I didn’t see the mouse trap.”
21. “A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there’s nobody home. I went over… Nobody was home!”

How Is A Hamburger Like Sex?

Hamburger in the streets, hamburger in the sheets.

I look delicious and you can’t wait to get me home, but then everything gets messy and I kind of fall apart and I’m hard to deal with, but somehow you’re still left satisfied.

More Signs That You’re Out Of College

– Your refrigerator holds more solid foods than liquids.
– You’ve lost the thread on your favorite soap opera.
– 8 a.m. means shower and shave, not wake and bake.
– You file taxes with more than three digits.
– You hear your favorite songs in doctor’s waiting rooms and when you’re on hold with the bank.
– You’re not carded anymore for anything.
– You carry an umbrella.
– You now know there’s no such thing as “looking mature.”
– You get your news from sources other than ESPN and MTV.
– Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.
– Doing shots and smoking cigarettes guarantees midnight dry heaves and a sinus attack instead of midnight skinny dipping and a Big Mac attack.
– You go from 130 days to seven days of vacation time.
– You actually eat breakfast foods — at breakfast time.

I Have Outlived My Pecker

by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the fu(kin’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing.
The way it would behave.
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes”

Real Life Transcripts from Computer Help Desk Support

Yes these really are real.

Tech Support: “Hello, how can I help?”
Caller: “There’s smoke coming from the back of my computer!”
Tech Support: “Unplug your computer immediately.”
Caller: “But I’ll lose my game!”

Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Caller: “I just got my DSL self install kit in the mail and it’s not working?”
Tech Support: “What lights are on the modem?”
Caller: “What’s a modem?”
Tech Support: “Its the item in the box that we sent you.”
Caller: “There are no lights?”
Tech Support: “What color is the box the modem is in so I can identify our brand of modem?”
Caller: “Blue with white clouds.”
Tech Support: “Right… that’s the package it came in, I mean the box that was inside of that one, its the one with the modem in, its color coded.”
Caller: “I haven’t opened it yet.”
Tech Support: “But if you haven’t opened it, how do you expect it to work?”
Caller: “Oh, I though it did it itself from inside the box”

Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help?”
Caller: “My internet has stopped working?”
Tech Support: “Can you click on the start button in the bottom left hand corner first please.”
Caller: “Oh! do I need my PC on for the internet?”

Tech Support: “Good afternoon how may I assist you?”
Caller: “My screen is full of squares with pictures on them and I cant see anything past them?”
Tech Support: “Ok just close any open windows a moment.”
Caller: “Ok….. …..I have closed the bathroom window but I don’t see how that will help! ”

Tech Support: “Thank you for calling abc Internet, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “Yes its John Woods.”
Tech Support: “N ! That’s your real name Mr. Woods, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “J Woods.”
Tech Support: “Again that is your real name!, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “What’s a username?”
Tech Support: “It’s the account holders initials followed by a series of letters and numbers e.g.JW01296. So can I take your username please Mr. Woods.”
Caller: “John Woods.”
Tech Support: “Do you have your account number instead please?”
Caller: “Its John Woods.”

Tech Support: “Hello, how may I help you?”
Caller: “I cant get my PC to turn on?”
Tech Support: “Is your PC plugged in and switched on?”
Caller: “Yes, its all plugged in and switched on.”
Tech Support: “Are you sure its switched on? Have you pressed the power button?”
Caller: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal thing and nothing happens?”
Tech Support: “Excuse me Madam, but what foot pedal thing is that?”
Caller: “Its the little white plastic thing with the wire attached to it.”
Tech Support: “Has it got a little ball under it and buttons on the top?”
Caller: “Yes…yes it has?”
Tech Support: “That’s your Computers Mouse, Madam…….the power switch is located on the actual computer.”

Tech Support: “Hello, how may I be of help to you?”
Caller: “Hi er… my printer smells funny and it’s smoking?”
Tech Support: “Ok, Sir, You need to turn it off right now.”
Caller: “Well I was told never to turn it off without running it through shutdown and it won’t go through shutdown.”

Tech Support: “How may I help you?”
Caller: “The coffee cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. So how do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech Support: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer, they think of everything don’t they.”
Tech Support: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, but how did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark’s on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I just press a button and out pop’s the cup holder, It just has ’8X ‘ on it.”
Tech Support: “That’s not a cup holder, its your CD-ROM drive tray!”

No Baby Talk

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. “John what did you do over the weekend?”

“l went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo’

“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said.

She then asked little Johnny what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit”!

Yet More Ways To Annoy People

1. When someone asks, “Are there any questions?” ask, “Where do babies come from?”
2. Step on someone’s feet, and push them backwards
3. Take their hat
4. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and read this out loud
5. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over and put up just the rear windows
6. Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour, and send it to somebody
7. At a fast food restaurant, push down the bubbles on the drink tops of everybody’s drink
8. Crack all your knuckles
9. Sing, “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves
10. Pay for an item at a store with all pennies
11. When you’re out of the house all night for a weekend, leave your clock-radio on for it’s normal wake-up time of about 6:30 or 7:30, and turn the volume up
12. At a red light, put your car in gear and creep slowly forward, while gesturing to the person in the car next to you that they must be rolling backwards
13. Drive with your brights on just to see how many people flash their lights at you
14. Tailgating can be one of the most effective forms of annoyance know to man
15. Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of, “Hey, did you hear what happened to Jim? Well he was with
16. When they are out of their room, move everything they own to a different location
17. Change all the preset stations on their car radio tuner to classical and country/western stations
18. Slurp your soup or your breakfast cereal
19. Tap the person on the shoulder continuously, and when you have their attention, just continue tapping them on the shoulder
20. At a movie theater, unwrap a candy bar as loudly as is humanly possible, preferably during dialogue
21. At a public library, get a book which hasn’t been checked out yet, and slip it into somebody’s book bag when they’re not looking
22. Take off the letters one of those sign boards that have the removable letters
23. Answer the phone “Domino’s Pizza, how can I help you?” at someone else’s house
24. At night, rearrange somebody’s furniture
25. Many telephone answering machines have two digit passwords for retrieving messages and that kind of thing, and often times, the default on many models is 25, which people don’t bother to change

The Sweet Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Josephs Hospital. She timdly asked “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

OPERATOR – I’ll be glad to help, dear, What’s the name and room number of the patient?

GRANDMOTHER – Norma Findlay Room 302

OPERATOR – Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone

OPERATOR – I have good news – Her nurse just told me that Noma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood test just came back normal and her Physician Dr Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.

GRANDMOTHER – Thank you, That’s wonderful. I was so worried.

OPERATOR – You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?

GRANDMOTHER – No- I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302 and no one tells me anything. Thanks again

Life’s Demerit System – Info for All Men

GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER IT WELL……In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has implants. (-80)

You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Hope this helps

Victoria’s No Longer A Secret

So, my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So, one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

What Did They Do, Just Put It In A Blender?
What Did They Do, Just Put It In A Blender
But Still No Toilet Paper
But Still No Toilet Paper
For The Teacher Who Flunked Me On That Test
For The Teacher Who Flunked Me On That Test
Let Me Guess, The Range Is Owned By A Divorce Attorney
Let Me Guess, The Range Is Owned By A Devorse Attorney
I Don’t Care But He’s My Kind Of Guy!
I Don't Care But He's My Kind Of Guy
Just Cum In The Cum Zone!
Just Cum In The Cum Zone
Soooo, Not All The NRA’s Ideas Are Bad Ones
Soooo, Not All The NRA's Ideas Are Bad Ones
No, But No One Is Complaining
No, But No One Is Complaining
And How Would She Tell Him She Dented The Car?
And How Would She Tell Him She Dented The Car
Friends, Enemies, Whats The Difference
Friends, Enamies, Whats The Difference

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