Introducing A Toilet In The 18th Century
The Insulting Librarian – Mitchell & Webb
Stand-Up Comedy Tidbits
My daughter found a pinecone this morning and that was enough for her to have fun.
It almost made me question the pile of Molly I have to consume to enjoy the company of a close friend.
Someone asked me: “Do you know who Quasimodo is?”
I said: “Rings a bell.”
My brother lives on the other side of the country, but he still callstme everyday.
I mean, I don’t think he knows I work at the suicide hotline…But still
I’m a big supporter of the LGBT community.
Back in my single days, I personally helped three different women…realise they were gay.
My mom recently saw me do stand-up for the first time.
Afterwards, she said, “Matt, all your jokes are so dark and twisted, I have to ask: are you having suicidal thoughts?”
I said, “No, why?”
She aid, “You should be.”
It’s always little things that break up a long-term relationship.
Like one example in our case would be, everytime I would fill the dishwasher, I would always put the knives pointing up whereas she wanted to sleep with other people.
My friend is always asking me to help him move.
Quadriplegics are kinda needy.
My parents were born poor and they raised themselves out of poverty to give me a better life.
So hopefully my daughter can figure that out too.
They say sex is like pizza.
When it’s good it’s great. When it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
And your friends get weird about it when they find out you love to have it with pineapples.
I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to god nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
How Did He Think That Worked
Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his, father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, Bar’ for their first legal drink.
So when Sean’s 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick, a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. He immediate sank, and nearly drowned. He was only saved by Mick who managed to pull him back into the boat.
Furious, and confused, he went to see his grandmother, and said “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water, like me father, me grandfather, and his father before him?”
Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes, looked at him with kind benevolent eyes and said, “Because, they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen wer, You were born in August, ye fecklng idiot!”
Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man . . . unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon-they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander-it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same-they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
14. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Afraid of a Little Dihydrogen Monoxide?
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes,
Six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
A Matter Of Interpretation
When I take a long time — I am slow
When my boss takes a long time — He is thorough
When I didn’t get it done — I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t get it done — He’s too busy
When I do something w/o being told — I am trying to be a smart ass
When my boss does the same — That is initiative
When I please my boss — I’m ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss — He’s a team player
When I do good — My boss never remembers
When I do wrong — He never forgets
Dress for Success
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you’re being stalked by Martha Stewart is . . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
How to Get Ladies to Cuss
Q: How do you get three old ladies sitting at a table to all stand up and cuss?
A: Have the fourth old lady yell out “BINGO!”
Work Rules
1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: we are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks’ notice as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
4. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
5. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
6. ADVICE FROM THE BOSS: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
7. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT
8. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG REFER TO RULE 7.
The Letter
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, she’s pregnant and Joan says that we will all be very happy. Even though you won’t care for her, as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure we’ll come back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card…… it’s in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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