Mother’s Day Gift
Sexual Lines From The Star Wars Trilogy
A NEW HOPE
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘She’s fast enough for you, old man.’
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
‘I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?’
‘That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.’
‘Hurry up, golden-rod.’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘Possible, he came through the south entrance.’
‘But now we must eat, Come…good food, come…’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.’
‘Control, control, you must learn control!’
RETURN OF THE JEDI
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.’
‘You’re a jittery little thing aren’t you?’
‘In time you will call me master.’
‘A little higher, just a little higher.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘Grab it, almost…you almost got it. Gently now, alright, easy, easy…’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else!’
‘What could possibly have come over Master Luke?’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
The World’s Shortest Books
25. My Plan To Find The Real Killers By O.J. Simpson
24. The Catholic Guide To Great Se x
23. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before By Ellen Degeneres
22. The Difference Between Reality And Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances In China
20. Things I Would Not Do For Money By Dennis Rodman
19. The Wild Years By Al Gore
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways To Spell Bob
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy Unix
11. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names
6. How To Sustain A Musical Career By Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes By Green Peace
3. Staple Your Way To Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Book Of Virtues by Bill Clinton
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory ……………………………. Dirty Room
Evangelist…………………………… Evil’s Agent
Desperation………………………… A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code………………… Here Come Dots
Slot Machines……………………. Cash Lost in ‘em
Animosity………………………….. Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms…………………… Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness……………………. Genuine Class
Semolina…………………………….. Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries……… Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point…………………. I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes……………….. That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two………………… Twelve plus one
Contradiction……………………. Accord not in it
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
2. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
3. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
4. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
5. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
6. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
7. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
8. You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
9. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
10. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
11. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
12. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
13. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
14. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
15. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
16. Birds are attracted to your beard.
17. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You’ve ever opened a beer during a funeral service.
20. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Attorney Bag Limits
1. Any person with a valid drivers license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidently struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest carwash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to use illicit substances, $100 bills, ladies of the night, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, houses of the night, health spas, bars, ambulances or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office it shall be a felony to hunt trap or possess them without special license.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department certificate of vermin inspection.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder2
2. Two Faced Tort Feasor1
3. Back Stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Big Mouthed Pub Gut3
5. Honest AttorneyEXTINCT
6. Cut Throat2
7. Back Stabbing Whiner3
8. Brown Nosed Judge Kisser2
9. Silver Tongued Drug Defender$100 Bounty
10. Hairy Tushed Civil Libertarian4
11. Tax Attorney10
Men Are Like…
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.
If you are not careful they’ll creep up your legs.
They older they get, the less firm they are.
…that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
…that no matter how much I care, some people are just a$$holes.
…that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
…that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more f@cked up than you think.
…that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
…that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
…that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
…that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.
…that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
…that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
…that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
…to say “F@ck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.
New Ticket Technology
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an intersection with automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.
Why Do We Pay These Guys So Much Again?
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ “(1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)
Making A Baby
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny as hell!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your uh…equipment? ‘
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted