Sorry for the delay. I hosted my first Thanksgiving!
Feeling stressed out? Try some of these relaxation techniques…
1. Jam some tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach family members!)
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one is guaranteed to keep cats and men occupied for awhile.)
3. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better if you call after doing it and say you didn’t authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
4. Take a box of condoms up to the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(If she’s really attractive, be sure to ask if assistance is available.)
5. Put your kid’s clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing’s wrong.
(Creativity is a real possibility here – especially if you put a dress on your son.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone who has a pet Gorilla!)
7. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(They’re in there, trust me! I found 70 in just the A’s!)
Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a pizza, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Cysteine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay…Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
One day, a little girl walked up to her mother, looked closely are her hair and sadly asked, “Mommy, why is some of your hair white?”
“Well, dear,” her mother explained, “each time you do something wrong and make me cry or feel unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this for a few moments, then said, “Mommy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
A guy at a bar was looking to strike up a conversation, so he turned to the bartender and said, “Hey, about those Democrats in Congress…..”
“Stop…sorry fella, but I don’t permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.
The guy sat silent for a few minutes, then tried again, “People are saying that the Pope…..”
“Hold it right there,” the bartender cut in. “No religious talk, either.”
A few minutes later, he again tried to break the boredom. “I really thought the Rangers…..”
“No sports talk! That’s how fights get started in bars,” the barman said.
“Ok, how about sex? Can I talk to you about sex?” the man asked.
“Sure,” replied the barman.
“Good. Go fuck yourself!”
More Signs It’s Going To Be A Bad Day
You know it’s going to be a bad day when…
- You realize the bird singing outside of your window is a buzzard.
- You decide to walk the 6 blocks to work and when you get there, you discover your dress is tucked inside your pantyhose.
- You wake up and your braces are locked together.
- You wake up from the party the night before and realize your wearing someone else’s cloths.
The Perfect Couple And Santa
Once upon a time, a perfect man met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding and their life together, needless to say, was perfect.
One stormy Christmas Eve, while driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan, of course) along a winding road, the perfect couple noticed someone in distress at the side of the road. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting any children to be disappointed on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions were very hazardous and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who survived?
The perfect woman survived. After all, she’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there’s no Santa Claus and no such thing as the perfect man.
***Women, stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.*******Men, continue reading***
So, if there is no perfect man, and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This would explain why there was a car accident.
Incidentally, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this would illustrate another point; women never listen.
Comments Made In The Year 1955!
That’s only 62 years ago!
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.’
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.’
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.’
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?’
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’
‘Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.’
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.’
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.’
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.’
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.’
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
‘Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.’
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.’
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
‘There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’
Once upon a time, there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody was certain that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
Consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Frivolous Old Gal
I have become a little older since we last saw each other, and a few changes have taken place in my life since then. To be perfectly frank with you, I have become a frivolous old gal and am seeing five gentlemen daily.
As soon as I awake, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then, I go to see John. Then, Charlie Horse comes along. When he’s here, he tends to take a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I find I’m quite tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zimer.
Your good friend,
PS. The good Reverend came to call the other day and said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do that all the time. It doesn’t matter where I am…..in the kitchen, the parlor, upstairs, down in the basement, I always ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”
Microsoft TV Dinner Version 1.0
Instructions for Microsoft’s TV Dinner:
First, you must remove the plastic cover. In doing so, you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as this would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights. However, you may allow others to smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Now, set the oven using the following keystrokes:
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner which are found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking, then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned, it is possible that Microsoft dinners may crash. Should this happen, your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. First, remove the dinner from the oven. Then enter:
There is a possibility that this process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave, then doing a cold reboot. Should this not work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
A number of users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, it will be necessary for you to upgrade your equipment.
At this time, dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. Should you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has revealed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the large family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after version 1.5. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get excited in advance.
Please note that Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably needed defrosting anyway.