White & Nerdy Song – By “Weird Al” Yankovic
Madtv – Oprah Winfrey Hilarious
Evening Classes For Men
Starting next month.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.
2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.
5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.
6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Power Point presentation.
8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.
9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.
WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!
Aging With A Smile
• Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
• My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
• I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
• It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.
• People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
• I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
• Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
• Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
Apples And Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy……
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Things To Do In An Office Meeting
1) Take notes in finger paint.
2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.
3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, now I get it!”
5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don’t want to catch what I’ve got!”
6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.
9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.
10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.
13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them “doctor’s orders.”
14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she “not hurt you anymore.”
14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.
17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.
19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.
20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.
21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can’t help it. Start crying.
22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it’s to “prevent the seizures.”
23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say “It’s pitiful. But what can you do?”
24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.
25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you “so you can hear better.” Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.
26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.
28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.
29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that “my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.” Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody “My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.”
31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: “Just in case.”
32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fan-fold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker’s. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.
36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
Dog’s Pet Peeve
• When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
• Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
• Blaming your farts on me…not funny…not funny at all.
• Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
• How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
• Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
• Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
• Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
• How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
• Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
• When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
• Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
• The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
• Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!
New Family Driver
Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.
“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
• You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
• You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
• Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
• You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.
To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.
While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
JOB DESCRIPTION- MOM
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.