36 Times Statler And Waldorf From “The Muppets” Were Expert Trolls
Bob & Doug McKenzie – Twist-Off Tops
Why No, I’m Not A Pessimist
• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
• Team work is important; it helps you put the blame on someone else.
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
• Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.
• Funny how “We need to talk” really means “You need to listen”.
• Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that it’s Tuesday.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
• Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
• I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
• My job is secure. No one else wants it.
• That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent.”
• Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Baby Safety Ads
People say ‘It’s safest to let babies sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.’
Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you’re drunk, stoned, or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I’ve eaten weirder things.
How Stupid Are They…
1. Born ugly and built to last.
2. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
3. Brain transplant donor.
4. Brings binoculars to submarine races.
5. Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
6. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
7. Calls people to ask them their phone number.
8. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
9. Can easily be confused with facts.
10. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
11. Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
12. Cheezwiz for brains.
13. Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
14. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
15. Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
16. Contributes to the population problem.
17. Couldn’t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
18. Couldn’t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
19. Couldn’t write dialog for a porno flick.
20. Cranio-rectally inverted.
Irate Air Traffic Controller
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between ‘C’ and ‘D’, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
“Wasn’t I married to you once?”
The Rules Of EMS
1. Skin signs tell all
2. Sick people don’t bitch
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. About 70% of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops….eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
11. Always follow the rules but be wise enough to leave them sometimes.
12. If the pt. vomits, try to hold the head to the side of the rig with the least difficult cleanable equipment.
13. If someone dies by chem. hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you. (also known as rule 1313)
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk than the patient is the real problem.
15. There will be problems.
16. You can’t cure stupid.
17. If it’s wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole.
19. God protects Fools and Drunks
20. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 2am in the middle of a great dream.
21. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
22. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
23. Hand grenades and turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
24. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
25. “Paramedics save lives; EMT’s save Paramedics.” (to quote a T-shirt or bumper sticker)
26. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
27. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
28. If you drop the baby, pick it up.
29. Never trust (fill in the blank) to be fully stocked.
30. If you don’t have it improvise (improvisation is the mother of invention.)
31. Newbie’s always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
32. If the pt is going to vomit, aim them at the person you like least.
33. Sick people only call because they couldn’t get into their car. They apologize for bothering you when you have sick people to see. Be scared when you see these people.
34. When a pregnant woman says “The baby is coming”, you’d darn well better believe her.
35. When a patient says “I think I am going to die” he is probably right.
Corollary to rule # 9. Scumbags don’t die.
Rule #9a. Neither EMTs, paramedics, nor doctors can change Rule #9.
Addition to rule #5. The more patches someone has on their jacket, the fewer actual patients they have ever seen. If they have instructor rockers, they have NEVER seen a real patient.
I was just walking down the street, and I saw this restaurant called McDonald’s Express.
Let’s see if we can try to wrap our brains around this concept — this is a McDonald’s, only faster. So, obviously, the McDonald’s corporation think there are people out there saying to themselves, ‘God, I’d love to go to McDonald’s, but who has the time?’
What We Learn From Baywatch
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
Denver Broncos – Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City Grief’s
Los Angeles Raiders – Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers – San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks – Seattle Weehawks
Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns – Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers – Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh Reelers
Buffalo Bills – Buffalo Nils, Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins – Miami Stallfins, Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots – New England Patsys
New York Jets – New York Pets, New York Not Yets
Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Aint’s
Los Angeles Rams – Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco Whiners
Chicago Bears – Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions – Detroit Cryin’s, Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers – Green Bay Fudgepackers, Green Bay Slackers, Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota Tykes, Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
Arizona Cardinals – Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowgirls, Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants – New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins – Washington Deadskins
Carolina Panthers – Carolina Can’t-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville Saguars
Why I Need A New Job
Comment from CEO: “Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit. It’s been that way since my grandfather bought the company.”
Comment from my Boss: “It seems you’re just an over-achiever and that’s simply not good for the team.”
After several strong sales months, my company decided to print ‘employee appreciation t-shirts’. They went on sale the following Monday.
“I just got another email message from our office in Spain and it is still in Spanish. I think there’s a problem with our Internet connection.”
I needed two days off, but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said “Absolutely not. You are salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to work?”
My Boss thought his nasty email message to the President was anonymous, until the President replied and requested an immediate meeting with my Boss and the Personnel Director.
Instructions from my Boss: “We have four, 15-inch computer monitors in storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office.”
After a year’s hard work, I did not receive a raise. My Boss said “Your work is important, but not valuable”.
My Boss returned his modem to the computer store. He said “The lights on the front kept flickering.”
I work at a retirement home. They just posted a sign which reads: “It is now illegal to harm residents.” Is this a new rule?
My boss wanted to send a fax to our head office, but he was afraid someone else would read it besides the President. So I told him to put it in an envelope before he faxed it. He did!
“I just went to some computer training and I learned some really neat tricks. There’s a way to erase a disk with just one command.” Smiling ear-to-ear, my Boss pushed me out of the way and typed “Erase C:*.*”
After a recent Human Resources survey, it was clear that my salary was well below the industry average for paralegals. To correct the situation, my Boss changed my title.
The Top Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School
• To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
• To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.
• No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
• After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
• So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
• Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
• Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.
• To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!