Murder At The Dinner Table – Big Train
Go Kart Racing (Accidentally Masturbating) by Garfunkel and Oates
20 Perfect Responses To Use With Telemarketers
1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.
2. I’m sorry, but 1m really busy right now. Give me your home number and Ill call you back later
3. Shhh. Wait a minute. 1m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?
4. When someone asks whether a spouse is at home, Say Yes, but I never allow her/him to talk to
5. When someone asks how you are: Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me
6. You want to sell me insurance? Ive been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!
7. To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper, Do you get goats blood out? How about
identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?
8. To a phone company solicitor: That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute? (Leave the
phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
9. When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, Is this some kind of a
joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!
10. Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
11. Pretend you don’t speak English.
12. Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it’ll just hurt worse!”
13. Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
14. Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.
15. Tell them you’ll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your underwear.
16. Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
17. As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”
18. Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
19. Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah’s Witness almost got me the death
20. HANG UP THE PHONE!
Cadbury Chocolates Rejection Letter
Dear Mr. Jones
We regret to inform you that your application for the position of Global Quality Manager has been unsuccessful. We don’t normally respond to unsuccessful applicants but in your case we’ve made an exception in order to return the E5 note you attached to the references section of your application under the line “Elizabeth *wink, wink*”.
Some notes regarding your application:
• Listing “Super secret spy work I legally can’t talk about” as your previous experience won’t fool anyone.
• In future you might want to refrain from using sentences like “C’mon, let me be a part of this awesome gig you’ve got going on.”
• eBay feedback isn’t a relevant reference.
• Your attached sketch of an “everlasting chocolate bar” was unwarranted, absurd and quite frankly it scared us a little.
We wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Seniors Texting Code
ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GYHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry. Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
The Perfect Prank
When my little brother turns twenty one I will take him to a bar and get him wasted. While we are at the bar I will have a team working on his bedroom. For twenty four hours they will be painting his walls white, pulling all the stuff out Of there, tiling his floor to make his room 100% like a hospital. Then they set up the hospital bed, heart monitor, curtain etc.
Once I hear the room is done I will put him in my car and drive to a professional make up artist to put an Old man mask and Other stuff to cover his body.
I will also get myself an old man mask and others for my other brother and friends. Once we are set we will all dress up as old people, put him in his realistic old man suit, then we’ll put him in the hospital bed, and hook him up to a bunch of different machines.
Here is the waiting of my plan, we will wait for him to wake up. We will then tell him a story about he drove home that night. He got in an accident and was in a coma for thirty years. We will see how long it takes him to figure it out.
Plus his reaction will probably be priceless.
7 Ways To Scare Your Roommate
(1) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon…
(2) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the Other side Of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
(3) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, ‘Oh, yeah, I remember!’ Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
(4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
(5) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
(6) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
(7) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”
EMS Miranda Rights
You have the right to be spinal immobilized, despite the fact that you were only hit at the
speed equivalent to that of a sloth on Valium.
If you give up this right to abuse the system, any attempt to fake neck pain later on can and will be used against you in the course Of me starting multiple, painful, large-bore IVs.
You have the right to distract the ER physician from treating any real patients and to have an attorney present, which is why the ER staff will do needless tests and procedures to begin with,
just so they can cover their own butts.
If you cannot afford a new car, a new car will be won for you by your unethical, ambulance-chasing, low-life, blood-sucking lawyer—by tying up the judicial system for years in the hopes that the poor bastard who tapped your back bumper will settle out Of court, at no cost to you.
If you understand these rights as read to you, lease nod our head violently up and down.
Epic One Liners
1) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
2) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
3) I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
4) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
5) A diplomat is someone who Can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
6) My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said Okay, you’re ugly too.
7) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
8) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
10) I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
11) I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
12) I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the comers very well.”
13) Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
14) When in doubt, mumble.
15) I always take life with a grain Of salt, …plus a slice Of lemon, .„and a shot of tequila.
16) There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
17) A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, “l don’t know’ son, I’m still paying.”
18) Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
19) I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
20) You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, “Stop That!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure lady, which way was it headed?”
How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55 gallon drum of I-EGOS (if LEGOs are not available. you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy. live octopus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug & fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonsful of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up. pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months Now remove ten of the beans.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience. tolerance, toilet training and child’s able manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. lt will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Doctors Wouldn’t Tell This Lady What She Asked For.
What She Does Next Is Genius.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”