Now I Remember Why I Live In Los Angeles
NRA – Stand And Fight Parody
The NRA thinks Obama is an elitist hypocrite for having the Secret Service to protect his daughters with guns. The NRA made this new ad to point out the hypocrisy.
10 Reasons To Buy A New Car
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. The 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal “The Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Definitions For Parents
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”
Signs Your On A Bad Date!
…Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
…She has a thicker mustache than you.
…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. And you can’t identify what’s in bed next to you.
…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.
…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.
…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.
Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once, and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
And the best one…
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was not his fault.
Sure Signs It’s Your Last Day At Work
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you suddenly realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn!”
Your boss is standing behind you. And it’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you’re the only coffee drinker there.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled “this” week as vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
You wake up hung over.
You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
Your underwear is missing.
You’re in jail.
Last night was the company Christmas party.
What I Want In A Man!
What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly – bald head okay
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
Things That Look Bad In An Interview
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
Two Cows Defined (that you haven’t heard before)
Defining societies via the ownership of 2 cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.