Rowan Atkinson – Interview with Elton John
Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
“I got your community service right here pal!”
“Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.”
“You couldn’t carry Wapner’s gavel you moron!”
“You’re not as easy to buy as others said you were.”
“No you robe wearing geek.”
“I don’t suppose there’s a “You get me off, I get you off” type of deal out there?”
“Just out of curiosity, are you wearing pants?”
Eating In The Fifties
Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?
For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy.
For the rest treat this as a history lesson!
• Curry was a surname.
• A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
• A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
• Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
• All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
• Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
• A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
• Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
• Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
• Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
• Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
• Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
• Only Heinz made beans.
• Fish didn’t have fingers in those days.
• Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
• None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
• Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
• People who didn’t peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
• Indian restaurants were only found in India.
• Cooking outside was called camping.
• Seaweed was not a recognized food.
• “Kebab” was not even a word never mind a food.
• Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
• Prunes were medicinal.
• Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
• Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
• Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
• The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!
Men Are From Mars, Women Venus – The Tandem Story
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.”
“The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she wondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels.”
F**K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
1. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2. I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
3. Black holes are where G-d divided by zero.
4. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
5. Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
6. Life is too complicated in the morning.
7. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
8. My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.
9. My karma ran over your dogma.
10. I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
11. A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
12. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
13. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some kinky erotic fantasy role-playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it; I was freshly shaved down there and all I had on was a leather corset, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!”
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and spike-heeled pumps, plus black leather ankle and wrist shackles, a dog collar and a leash. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bustier, a black garter belt, black seamed stockings and black leather lace-up boots. I finished it off with a black mask.”
“Well?!,” exclaimed the other two. “What happened?!”
“When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batgirl, what’s for dinner?’”
Bushnell, South Dakota: It’s not the end of the Earth, but you can see it from here.
Gas, Kansas: Don’t pass Gas, stop and enjoy it.
Peculiar, Missouri: Where the “odds” are with you.
Denver, Iowa: The mile wide city.
Drumright, Oklahoma: Town of oil repute.
San Andreas, California: It’s not our fault.
Mexia, Texas: A great place to live no matter how you pronounce it.
Moscow, Maine:Best town by a dam site.
Lake City, Iowa: Everything but a lake.
Walla Walla, Washington: The city so nice they named it twice.
Eaton Rapids, Michigan: Welcome to the only Eaton Rapids on Earth.
Manhattan, Kansas: The Little Apple.
Hyder, Alaska: Friendliest ghost town in Alaska.
Gravity, Iowa: We’re down to earth. If gravity goes we all go.
Chicago: The windy city were you get blown away
Every day, people call computer companies, looking for help, trying to get parts for their machines or just trying to understand their new (and sometimes confounding) toys. The following are quotes from actual calls to the sales department of a major computer company. And you think you have a tough job.
“The techs won’t help me because my computer is in the box in the closet.”
“Do that computer come with a thermometer?”
“I bought a computer from you. Do I have enough credibility to get some other stuff?”
Customer: You don’t understand. I got to get the computer on payments every two weeks.
Customer: Because I’m on public assistance and that’s when I get my check!
“Do you sell ink cartilages for my canyon?”
“Do you have keyboards that are laid out in alphabetical order?”
“So, is the 17-inch monitor faster?
“Let me call you back—what’s your extinction?”
Client: “I want an 80-gig hard drive.”
Rep: “Yes sir, that’s $350 plus shipping and handling.”
Client: “What size do I have now?”
Rep: “You have a 15-gig, sir.”
Client: “Is that bigger than an 80?”
“Can you tell me what we bought? We were pretty drunk last night when we ordered it.”
“My kids told me not to touch the computer because I’m too dumb.”
“I want to buy ink cartridges at Staples. If I put it on my VISA, will you send me the money?”
“When I was taking my new monitor out of the box, I dropped it. Will you send me a new one?”
“Is it mandatory to have air conditioning and carpet in the room where the computer goes?”
“You’ll have to explain that. I’m computer illegitimate.”
Rep: “Who do you work for, please?”
Customer: “Blue Moon Management.”
Rep: “What do you do there?”
Customer: “I manage.”
A call from Alabama: “I reckon I need to constipate it for awhile.”
“How much stuff comes on a computer, because I’m trying to get one of all of ‘em.”
“I talked to a lady about a computer I didn’t order. Can I talk to her again?”
“My wife and me split up. Can you send me something that says the computer was in my name?”
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
• I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
• Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
• Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
• I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
• Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
• This looks like a good spot for a nap.
• Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
• Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
• If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
• If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!
“You are a cheat!” shouted the attorney to his opponent.
“And you’re a liar!” bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, “Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let’s get on with the case.”
The Top Things To Check The Salad Bar For Before You Load Your Plate Up
• Anything that’s moving.
• Green Carrots.
• Moldy Croutons.
• Body parts.
• Blood in the French Dressing.
• A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
• I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
• Lettuce that closely resembles AstroTurf.
• How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.
• The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.