If Movie Villains Didn’t Waste Time
We All Love Hearing That
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.”
The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.”
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump.
I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”
I’d Love To, But…
• My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
• I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
• I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.
• I’m too old/young for that stuff.
• I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
• I have too much guilt.
• there are important world issues that need worrying about.
• I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
• I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I feel a song coming on.
• I’m trying to be less popular.
• My bathroom tiles need grouting.
• I have to bleach my hare.
• I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
• I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
• You know how we psychos are.
• My favorite commercial is on TV.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I’m going to be old someday.
Bad Drivers License Photo
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
12 Lines To Get Out Of Jury Duty
1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I’d believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshall’s handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette’s syndrome, you %@&%@ %#@$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
Farmer Getting A Lecture From A Trooper
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–”Well yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
Independent Political Parties We’d Like To See
• The Search Party… Looking for members.
• The Crack Party… We’re split down the middle.
• The Mouth Party… And you’re invited to cum.
• The Pity Party… C’mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
• The Private Party… No comment.
• The Cocktail Party… Cock and Tail – does it get any better than this?
• The Keg Party… Dude, we could so totally run the country.
• Non-partisan party… We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we’d like to see:
• The Gay/NRA Party… We’re here, we’re queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!
Proud To Be A Mets Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankee fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Yankee fans also. Not really knowing what a Yankee fan is, but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception, a boy names Colin, who did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Yankee fan.”
The teacher asks, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m proud to be a Mets fan,” boasts the little boy. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Colin why he is a Mets fan.
“Well, my dad and my mom are Mets fans, so I’m a Mets fan too.”
The teacher now becomes angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if you mom was a moron and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?”
“Well,” says Colin, “then I’d be a Yankee fan!”
Things You Don’t Want To Hear At A Tattoo Parlor
“Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”
“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
“There are 2 Os in Bob, right?”
“Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.”
“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.”
“I HATE it when I get the hiccups.”
“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”
“I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”
“The flag’s all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”
Who Says Rabbi’s Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it’s being stored at the Priest’s house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, “What are you doing?”
The Priest responded, “I’m blessing the car.”
So the Rabbi said “Okay, since we’re doing that….” and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
10. I may be slow, but I’m ahead of you AND I got traffic backed up for 5 miles.
9. Born to raise barns.
8. My other buggy is a Mercedes.
7. Eat my dust, but don’t step in my exhaust.
6. Don’t blame me–I didn’t vote for him or anyone else!
5. I pray for higher gas prices.
4. I brake for barn raisings.
3. When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish!
2. No…I am not Harrison Ford.
1. If this buggy is swayin’…I’m in here a prayin’!