Keep Farts Funny
Benny Hill – Benny’s Quickies (1976)
People are using the word lockdown because they don’t know how to spell kwarinteen.
Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?
I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.
I’ve absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels recently that whenever I go pee, it cleans the toilet.
I’m pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, “What the heck do you want now?!”
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!
Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My house got TP’d last night … it’s now appraised value has doubled!
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed’s legal and school’s closed .. kids today are livin’ the dream!
This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.
Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it’s like being in Las Vegas. I’m losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’
She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Oldies But Goodies
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend…yet.
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that “Geeks shall inherit the Earth.”
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your” carpal tunnel syndrome.”
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: (See above – Same sign, different title.)
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER: ” As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market
PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.
GOVERNMENT WORKER: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL.”
Great Ways To Order A Pizza
1. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
2. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
3. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
4. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
5. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
6. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
7. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
8. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
9. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
10. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
11. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
12. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
13. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
14. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
15. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
16. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
17. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
18. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
19. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
20. Be vague in your order.
21. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
22. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
23. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning America. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like you just stepped off a roller coaster. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.
• It’s not as great a day for the bride if she thinks, “Why isn’t she’s not marrying the best man?”
• They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won’t try to run her life, and he won’t try to run his, either.
• He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
• All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.
• Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
• After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” responded her mother. “Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another.”
• They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
• He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, “You’re the boss.”
• If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
No Parent Left Behind
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for their kids.
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. I had to rob your house
2. I don’t date outside my species
3. Sorry I think I’m gay
4. I have to go………..over…………..there
5. My butt is too big in this dress
6. I have to take out the trash
7. My dog had baby kittens
8. I can’t, I need to take my computer apart and put it back together
9. I have to go shopping for my mother
10. I’m sorry, I have to rotate the strings on all of my shoes
12. I have to go for my full body wax appointment
13. I can’t I was asked to go to another party w/o you
14. I have to brush my teeth
15. I’m sick
16. I’ve had a better offer, some bloke is coming round to set fire to my head
17. I’m busy cleaning the blood off my axe
18. My dad said I can’t date till I am married
19. I’m shaving my dog
20. It’s against my religion to date people named (insert relevant name)