John Cleese on Stupidity
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
Hateful little bastard.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVERBRED.
Also1 gay bull for sale.
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FORSALE.
Worn once by mistake.
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Stickers Seen On Military Bases.
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
“Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
“U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
“U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”
“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”
Stages Of Drunkenness
0 – Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 – Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 – Use beer to cool down head. Pretzels are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 – Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 – Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of chips. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.
5 – Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 – Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 – Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 – Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 – Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, “That’s much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 – Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 – Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 – Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
There Are Brain Farts And Then There’s Just Plain Stupid
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.
“You don’t?” I replied.
“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.
“So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider,” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?”
I said to her “I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”
She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.
“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk…. ”
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”
“Just use paper from the photocopier,” the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!)
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer….”
Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh . . . it’s all true.
Perks Of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
And always remember, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Martha, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Martha’s house…walked home…. and left it there all night.
You gotta love Henry.
Stunningly Dumb Warning Labels
The 2010 winner: the Jabra Drive ‘N’ Talk, a Bluetooth speakerphone accessory for cell phones to be used in the car. The Drive ‘N’ Talk carries this contradictory warning label: “Never operate your speakerphone while driving.”
So should it just be called the “Talk”?
The 2009 winner was far less confusing, if totally unnecessary: A small tractor, made by New Holland, bore the admonition “Avoid Death.”
Label: May cause drowsiness.
Product: Nytol sleeping pills.
I hope so
Label: This product may contain nuts.
Product: Peanut M&Ms.
Makes you wonder what some conspiracy theorists think they’re buying.
Label: Do not use while sleeping.
Product: Vidal Sassoon hair dryer
Was this really a problem?
Label: The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.
Product: W.H. Collins’ Vanishing Fabric Markers
Well that sure takes the fun of out it: After all, who doesn’t like being handed a blank check?
Label: This product moves when used.
Product: Razor scooter
Label (on website): Do not eat.
Product: Apple’s iPod shuffle
Well it says it’s an Apple
Label: Contents may catch fire.
Product: blow torch gas bottle
Just let ‘em go up in flames.
Label: Do not drive with sun shield in place.
Product: reflective cardboard sun shades for car dashboards
Label: Deer crossing next 8 miles
Product: highway (the driving kind)
So the deer just stop after 8 miles? Is there some kind of treaty in place?
Label: Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.
Product: Jet Ski
“And if this was news to you, you are not legally permitted to operate this vehicle or, for that matter, leave the house.”
Label: This product may contain eggs.
So that’s what those are!
Label: Always use this product with adult supervision.
Product: Kellogg’s Cereal Bowl
Flinging it Frisbee-style at your little brother could cause some damage. Then there’s that whole drowning-in-the milk thing. Breakfast is dangerous!