Obama’s Best Jokes At The 2016 White House Correspondents’ Dinner
Good Girls And Bad Girls
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, “No.”
Bad girls say, “When?”
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines — or more….
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Pfizer And Pepsi
This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day…There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Signs You Need A New Doctor
• He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”
• Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
• He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”
• He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as “drumsticks.”
• His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
• He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, “Doctor Jim Beam.”
• Before surgery, he asks if you want this “to go.”
• He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.
He Said To Me…
1. He said to me…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it
I said to him…You wear pants don’t you?
2. He said to me…Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him…That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
3. He said to me…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him…Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4. He said to me…Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him…They don’t have time.
5. He said to me…How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him…I don’t know; it has never happened.
6. He said to me…Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him…They already have boyfriends.
7. He said to me…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him…A widow.
8. He said to me…Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him…Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Ten Worst Gifts To Buy A Woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
How To Install A Home Security System
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer
cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS – I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.
Meeting Speak Cheat Sheet
Use this handy cheat sheet to decipher what your coworkers are really saying during meetings.
“This wasn’t on my calendar” = I deleted this from my calendar
“Duly noted” = I’ve already forgotten about it
“Let’s table that” = That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard
“Can you repeat that?” = I was looking at Facebook
“To your earlier point…” = I’m kissing your ass
“That said…” = We’re still not changing anything
“Let’s streamline this process” = Let’s keep talking about this forever
“It’s a no brainer” = I don’t feel like thinking about it
“Definitely” = Probably not
“Can I ask a quick question?” = We are going to be here awhile
“Happy to discuss this further” = Don’t ever bring this up again
“On a related note” = I’d like to change the subject
“Thanks for bringing that up” = You’re going to regret bringing that up
“Sounds good to me” = I have no idea what you’re saying
“Let’s get some data on that” = I’m pretty sure you’re wrong
“I’ll try my best” = I’ll do the bare minimum
“Let’s circle back later” = I need this to be over
“I’ll set a reminder to follow up on that” = You will never hear from me or see me again
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
The Warning Signs of Insanity…
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island because they weren’t rescued.
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.
• Melba toast excites you.
• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because “the napkins have ears.”
• You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.
• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you’re a stalk.
• You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
• People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
• You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
• You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
• You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
• The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
• You like reading lists like this.
What We Learned From Computers In The Movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display inch-high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” (See “Fortress”)
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
10. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
11. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.