Every Meeting You’ve Ever Been To
1. W. C. Fields
“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally”
2. Oscar Wilde
“I am not young enough to know everything.”
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
3. Sir Winston Churchill
Lady Nancy Astor (to Churchill): “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Churchill: “Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your coffee.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d drink it!”
4. Nancy Mitford
“I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away.”
“An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.”
5. Dorothy Parker
“I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it.”
“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
6. Douglas Adams
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.”
7. Alice Longworth (daughter of Theodore Roosevelt)
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
8. Orson Welles
“In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.”
9. Margot Asquith
“What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.”
10. Margaret Thatcher
“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”
Classes For Women At The Adult Learning Center
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of the content, class size will be limited to 10 participants maximum.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Children & Grandchildren
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students…here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was ‘DON’T!’
‘Don’t what? ‘Adam replied.
‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said.
‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!’
‘Do NOT eat the fruit!’ said God.
‘Because I am your Father and I said so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’ God asked.
‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.
‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.
‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.
‘She started it!’ Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Top 10 Signs You’re Over The Hill
1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexua!!y active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting l@id
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 AM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Top 10 Sarcastic Dares
Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”.
8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
And the #1 Sarcastic Dare…
1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.
Men vs Women
First of all, a man does not call relationships a relationship. He call it “that time when Susie and I did it in semi- regularly.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out for her boyfriend, and he will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then he will continue his life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after separation, at 3am on a Saturday night, he would call and say, “I just want to leave you know you destroyed my life, and I will never forgive you, and I hate you, and you really are a bitch. But I want you to know that there is always
opportunity for us. “This is known as a drunken telephone” I Hate You / I Love You ” call, that 99% of all men have made at least one time. There is a community colleges offering courses to help men overcome this need; unfortunately, this classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds heating. Men consider driving back into place as part of warming up.
Mature women are much faster than men. Most 17-year-old women can function as an adult. Most 17-year-old men still trade baseball cards and give each other wedgies after a sports class. This is why middle school romance rarely works.
For their credit, men don’t decorate their handwriting. They are only chicken scratching. Women use fragrant, stationary colors and they mark their “i’s” with circles or hearts. Women use very large loops in their “p” and “g’s”. It is very painful to read a note from a woman. Even when he dumped you, he would put on a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom – toothbrushes, toothpaste and shavers cream, razors, hand washing soap and towels from Holiday Inn. That
the average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man will not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman lists the things she needs and then goes to the store and buy these items. A man waits until the only item left in his fridge half lime and some mold. Then he goes shopping. He bought all that looks good. When a man reaches the cashiercons, the cart is packed tighter than the Clampett car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this won’t stop him from going to 10- item-or-less path.
When a man says he is ready to leave, that means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, that means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, and finishes puting on her makeup
Women like cats. Men say they love cats, but when women don’t see, men kicking cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. He knows about dentistsappointments and soccer and romance matches as well as friends and favorites food and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of several things short people who live at home.
Say a man and woman watch a boxing match on TV. One of them boxers cut down by low blows. The woman said, “Oh, my God. That must be painful.” The man doubled and actually FEEL the pain.
A woman will dress to go shopping, water plants, empty trash,answer the phone, read the book, get the letter. A man will dress for: (1) Marriage, and (2) Funerals.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony.” Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave,
Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
Like THAT makes sense.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Do they look different reversed?
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse, this also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Much worse than ‘going blind!’
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
But of course!
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
Makes one shudder at the thought.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
Is this a great country or what?
Well …not as great as Guam!
Top Confucius Sayings
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
• War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.
• Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
• Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.
• He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
• Elevator smell different to midget.
• Those who quote me are fools.
• Confucius say too damn much.
Hell Explained By A Chemistry Student
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.