Mary Poppins Quits with Kristen Bell
Martha Stewart And Reality
MARTHA STEWART: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
REAL WOMEN: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”
MARTHA STEWART: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
MARTHA STEWART: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
MARTHA STEWART: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
MARTHA STEWART: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN: Go to the bakery.
MARTHA STEWART: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN: Leftover wine???
Americans, Brits and Canadians
Have you ever heard anyone say “Canadians are just like Americans. What’s the difference?” Here’s a few of the more subtle answers. The Brits are included as a control group.
Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad
Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad
Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to extreme degrees in some cases
More concerned about an orderly society than a free one
Couldn’t care less about these things, especially when they “have nothing to hide”
Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves
Believes everyone should act according to their place in the social structure
Believe that that’s the government’s job
Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
Still haven’t gotten over the fact that their Empire is so diminished, although most of the time, it doesn’t show
Can’t agree on the words to their anthem — when they can be bothered to sing them, that is
Believe rudeness is the most efficient of travel manners
Stiff upper lip — often mistaken for coolness
Do their best to be polite to others
Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (computer or TV)
Only have two channels, both of which are very boring
Don’t watch much TV but only because they can’t get more American channels
Love to watch sports on the idiot box
Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans
Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them
Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball
Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby
Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball
Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists
Are very conservative tourists, especially with a pound
Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists
Spell words differently, but still call it “English”
Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”
Spell English words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Parisians
Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night
Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out
Don’t have all that many large cities to walk in anyway
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country
Are suspect of all imported goods
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country
Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too
Since not even the police are armed, what more can one say
Aren’t quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them illegal
Think that poverty & failure are morally suspect
Believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited
Believe that wealth and success are morally suspect
Are awed by wealth and success
Cannot be awed by anything
Are awed by correctness and mediocrity
Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways
Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America
Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation
Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of Canada
Are misunderstood everywhere
Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked — with the exception of America, Somalia, and places where the Canadian Airborne have been
Don’t want to endure any unpleasant weather anywhere
Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it
Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it
Think that all great comedians are American
Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don’t understand subtle humor
Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels, Jim Carrey, Michael O’Donohue and Dan Akroyd
Are obsessed with the President, his family, and his sex life
Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadilloes
Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl
Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens
Remind Americans and Canadians that they all got their start in the Mother Country
Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were actually Canadian
Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: size does matter.
Sincerely, [Your name here]
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”—Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”—Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”—A congressional candidate in Texas.
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”—Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”—Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”—Dan Quayle
“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another” — George Bush, US President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”—Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”—Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”—Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”—Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”—Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”—Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” —Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
….Feeling smarter yet?
Funny Outgoing Phone Messages
“Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange … mother … unicorn … I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.”
“This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking; you’re on the air…”
“Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
“Hi, this is George. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.”
“A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.”
“I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.”
“I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.”
“Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.”
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach an old mouse new clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There’s no place like http://www.home.com
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The Technologically Challenged
To any among you who believe you are technologically challenged. “you ain’t seen nuthin yet”. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called in to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and cleaning them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and an Invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” response shouldn’t be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents and told the tech that the computer had said it couldn’t find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that the computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and nothing happened. The tech asked what happened when she pressed the power switch. At that point she asked, “What power switch?”
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in ……..” The user hadn’t realized the “Insert Disk 2” implied to “Remove Disk 1” first.
10. A story from a Novell net Wire Sys Op:
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.
Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t help it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point because the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine,”
12. AND, last but not least:
Tech Support: OK, Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, click on the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “’P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
Actual Warning Labels
… On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
… On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
… On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
… On a Swanson frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
… On a Tesco’s Tiramisu Dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
… On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
… On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
… On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
… On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
… On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
… On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
… On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
… On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
… On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.