Friday Fun Stuff – 9-21-18

The Original Hollywood Squares

Warning: This was way before political correctness was even a thing.

X-Treme Water

Heartless Things To Say In The Ladies Dressing Room

1. That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it?

2. I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

3. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man…

4. I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

5. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples…

6. Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

7. Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself

8. Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the plain, severe and drab’ look in this season?

9. Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it?

10. Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers…

11. I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots

12. Excuse me, but since you’re obviously color blind would you like any help?

13. Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

14. God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself?

15. I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you.

The Third Wish

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when — all of a sudden — a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

Poof! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

Poof! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“And your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh — can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

Poof! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, completely smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch, bends down slowly, and whispers in her ear:

“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Brand Name Condoms And Their Slogans

1. Nike Condoms: Just do it.
2. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?
3. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
5. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
6. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
7. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
8. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
9. Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
10. Lotto Condoms: ‘Cause, hey — you never know.
11. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
12. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going…
13. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
14. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
15. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it.
16. Lays Condom: Betcha can’t have just one.
17. Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us
18. SEVEN-UP Condom: The UN-Condom
19. Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally compatible.

Three Guys in Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Neil. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of…Cindy Crawford.

Delighted, Neil jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

“Cindy, you have sinned…”

Ways To Cope With Stress

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

And That’s When The Fight Started….

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s when the fight started….
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit.
That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And that’s when the fight started….
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started….
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s when the fight started….
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started….
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started….

You Know You’re Middle Aged If…

You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “anti-wrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

How Did You…?

On her 70th birthday, an old woman decides its time to finally get re-married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

“Seventy-year young widow seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person”

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, “Do you really expect me to choose you? You don’t even have any arms or legs!” The old man replies, “Well, I don’t have arms, so how could I beat you?” The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. “I don’t have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, “But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?”

The man smiles and says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I!”

Jewish Proverbs

‘Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.’
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth. Yiddish Proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish Proverb

I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying. Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I”
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is, she pointing in the correct direction
TEACHER: Correct. Now class! Who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria did miss!

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables (boom-dup-boom)

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Well miss, yesterday, you said it’s – H to O!!

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!

Now That’s Funny!
That's Funny
Yeh, I Wouldn’t Trust Him Either
Yeh, I Wouldn't Trust Him Either
What, I Meant To Do This
What, I Ment To Do This
They Got The Idea From NASCAR
They Got The Idea From Nascar
Alright, Who Started It?
Alright Who Started It
777 Pound Burger And You Forgot The Fries
777 Pound Burger And You Forgot The Fries
You’ve Been A Bad System Administrator, Now You Must Pay…
And No You Can’t Take You Clothes Off First
Youv'e Been A Bad System Adminstrator, Now You Must Pay...And No You Can't Take You Clothes Off First
So What Does That Leave Exactly?
So What Does That Leave Exactly
Yes I’m A Nerd And Proud Of It!!!
Yes I'm A Nerd And Proud Of It!!!
Thanks For Being A Suicide Bomber Abdul!
And Here Is The First Of Your 72 Virgins!
Thanks For Being A Suicide Bomer Abdul And Here Is The First Of Your 72 Virgins

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