Friday Fun Stuff – 8-4-23

Penn and Teller: The Best Magicians in the World – SNL

Sexist Armour In Games

Yo’ Mama Is So Fat…

Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s got more rolls than a bakery.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she makes sumo wrestlers look malnourished.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the Coast Guard keeps a log of her bath times.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she trims her nose hair with a weed whacker.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she sweats barbecue sauce.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she went to St. Louis, she got stuck in the arch.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the only thing stopping her from going to the gym is the door frame.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she stepped on a scale, and it said, “Please step out of the car.”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has a tattoo of the United States on her chest…actual size.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she jumps off the high dive, she shows up on radar.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has shocks on her toilet.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she thinks a balanced meal is a cheeseburger in each hand.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she wore a red dress, and everyone shouted, “Hey, the Kool-Aid Man!”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat every car she gets into becomes a low rider.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s banned from all-you-can-eat restaurants.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she goes to the beach to sell shade.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s gotta call the fire department when her hemorrhoids get inflamed.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she uses duct tape for band-aids.

A Very Effective Prescription

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes” the mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

“Who cares?” she replied.

Can People Really Be This Stupid?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!

A Young Ensign’s Mistake

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

“My personal congratulations upon completing your exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you overlooked one of the unwritten rules – make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”

Drivers Education Exam Answers

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Applying Shakespeare to Politeness

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom’s hand and said, “Momma, look at the bowlegged man!”

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn’t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother’s hand and said, “Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?”

More Ways To Annoy People

1. Leave the following message on someone’s answering machine: “Sir, we’re not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway
2. Tell somebody that’s wearing Velcro shoes or slip-ons that their shoelaces are untied
3. Tell lots of puns
4. Be a Jew for Jesus
5. Give somebody a Wet Willy
6. Turn on somebody’s radio up all the way and turn their windshield wipers on while the car is off
7. Take a stick of gum out of it’s paper and foil wrapper, then carefully re-fold the foil wrapper and stick it back into the paper wrapper
8. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket
9. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital warts
10. Delete somebody’s AUTOEXEC
11. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it
12. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or cigarette
13. When they’re about half way through with it, remove one piece from the box of a jigsaw puzzle, and throw it away
14. Hide the remote control
15. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary
16. Take a deck of cards, and say, “Okay, I’m gonna do a magic trick
17. When somebody is talking very excitedly at a restaurant, pick up their plate, hand it to them, and nod gravely
18. Exclaim in a crowded theater, “No, I won’t touch you there for a dollar! No, not two dollars, either!”
19. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream, “Booga booga!” or any other such exclamation loudly
20. Be chronically late
21. Shave with someone else’s razor
22. Once again at a restaurant, one with a candle in the middle of the table, while someone is up before the food has come, take their plate, hold the bottom rim over the candle, and rotate it so you get a lot of soot on the bottom of the plate
23. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else has had a chance to read it
24. Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps
25. Go into a locker room with a pocket knife, and cut off all the shoelaces that are hanging out of the lockers

Motorcycle Cop Keeps Writing Tickets

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So I called him a piece horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first… then started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a damn–my car was parked around the corner.

Ramblings Of A Retired Mind

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’
Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Repairing A Clunking Noise Problem

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note:

“Removed bowling ball from trunk.”

He Gave Her The Bird