Your Girlfriend’s Six Friends
Creative Outgoing Voicemail Messages
You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we’ll get back you-know-when.
I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi, I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hi! Tim’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Happy & Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.”
Libertarians & Anarchists
What’s the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??
1. Libertarians are anarchists with money.
2. Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
3. Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
4. Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
5. Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
6. Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
7. Libertarians go to the police after they’ve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
8. A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
9. Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
10. Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
11. Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren’t organized in anything.
12. Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote, and lose.
13. Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don’t care what libertarians think.
I Don’t Think Mom And Dad Are Talking About Talking
Husband and Wife agreed that whenever they want to have S EX, they will call it ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the children won’t understand.
One day, Dad sends Son to tell Mom that he wants to make a ‘PHONE CALL’. Mum replies, tell your Dad that the Network is busy today.
Dad replies, tell your Mum that the call is urgent, if the Network is busy, then am going to a PUBLIC PHONE BOOTH.
Mom replies, tell him that if he dares goes to Public Phone Booth, I will OPEN a Business Center and all ‘PHONE CALLS’ will be FREE
Life Of A Senior Citizen
1. I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
2. I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
3. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
4. I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
5. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
6. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
7. I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
8. I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
9. I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…
10. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
11. I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
12. I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
13. I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
14. I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
15. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
16. I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
17. I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
18. I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
19. I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . .I’ve just lost the storeroom.
I Want To Be This Bored
I’m so fricking bored.
I think I’ll go knock on a Jehovah’s Witness door and talk to them about the power of sex drugs and rock and roll!
More Things You’ll Never Hear From A Redneck
1. “Trim the fat off that steak.”
2. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”
3. “The tires on that truck are too big.”
4. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
5. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”
6. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
7. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
8. “My fiancé is registered at Tiffany’s.”
9. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
10. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
11. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”
12. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”
13. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”
14. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”
15. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”
16. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”
17. “Elvis who?”
Solve The Riddle
Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The POPE has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’s was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s
what is it?
A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?
Top 10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award
10. “I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year.”
9. “I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”
8. “Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, ‘Wanna polish my Oscar?’”
7. “Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets.”
6. “No more of that ‘It’s just an honor to be nominated’ bull.”
5. “If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way.”
4. “On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes.”
3. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the head screws off and there’s Bourbon inside.”
2. “Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?”
1. “There’s a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you.”
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.