This YEAR in Unnecessary Censorship 2017
1. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
2. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
3. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
4. I don’t hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
5. Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker.
6. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
7. We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
8. When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
9. The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
10. You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
11. All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
12. No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
13. There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
14. Sit down and give your mind a rest.
15. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
16. I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so.
17. I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
18. There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
19. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that’s the only way they could.
20. I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station…while she turned herself in.
As soon as I entered the office this morning, I sensed a general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a ‘son of a bitch’ to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year’s party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and since this is my last day, I have chosen this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am deeply sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to remove the glass jug.
To Martha, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Dan, you old goat, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were off balance, I never would have done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling four stories.
John, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. Of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And the water is so cold!!
Glen, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Kathy quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Diane, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room is that I was drunk. I also want you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To each and every one of you, I am sorry. Setting Lucy’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it saddens me to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling anyone about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my very best to come to the picnic……
New Seminars For Women
• The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
• Life Beyond Shoes
• Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
• How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
• Why Men Don’t Like Any Of Your Friends
• How Not To Be A Victim Of Marketing
• How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
• Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
• How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
• Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
• Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
• Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
• Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
• Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
• Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
• Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
• How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
• Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
• Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
• When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
• How To Keep ‘Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
• Talking And Driving: There’s Got To Be A Way
• How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
Golfing With The Wife
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, let me explain,” said the man.
“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows.”
“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”.
1. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
2. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. You! Off my planet!
5. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
6. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
7. Keep honking, I’m reloading.
8. Guns don’t kill people, husbands who come early do.
9. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
10. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
BREAKFAST – Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH – Send your secretary out for six “gut bombers” those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK – Drink the Maalox
DINNER – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
BREAKFAST – Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
BREAKFAST – Jaws couldn’t eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s
LUNCH – Rolaids and a coke
DINNER – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
BREAKFAST – Order out for pizza
LUNCH – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gut bomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
BREAKFAST – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
LUNCH – Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
BREAKFAST – Sleep through it.
LUNCH – Ditto
DINNER – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don’t eat the brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
BREAKFAST – Three Bloody Mary’s and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
DINNER – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.
The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered.
The second, from Chicago, responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
Top Things You Don’t Want To Hear On An Airplane PA System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as flotation device.
2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..
7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Ladies and gentleman please fasten your seat belt, or don’t, I don’t care anymore.
9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to so you’ll have to give me some leeway.
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh Noooooooo!!!!!.
12. Don’t worry! That one is always on Empty
13. Get the parachutes ready.
14. Drinks are on me.
15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having.
16. Hey captain take another hit man.
Mega Moron Awards
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
Interesting facts about manure
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term ‘Ship High In Transit’ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ‘S.H.I.T’ (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
And I always thought it referred to someone who was full of it