The Old Folks from The Carol Burnett Show
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.
Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.
At A Nightclub:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
She: “I had to fart.”
My brother went to jail. He didn’t take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don’t think we will play Monopoly with him again.
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”
At A Job Interview
“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”
An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make kids.”
The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
A Sad Passing
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop-Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on the food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
• I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
• The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
• Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
• Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
• Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
• My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
• I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
• Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
• I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
A Cuckoo Of A Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem p***d off in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh sh!t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Children Writing About The Ocean.
1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn’t chuckle at least one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor!
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
• Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?
Not All Seniors Are Senile
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” he said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said…
On Monday morning, the jeweler ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
All Seniors Aren’t Senile
Top 10 Acronyms For P.M.S.
1. Psychotic Mood Shift
2. Puffy Mid-Section
3. People Make me Sick
4. Pimples May Surface
5. Pass My Sweatpants
6. Perpetual Munching Spree
7. Pass My Shotgun
8. Pissy Mood Syndrome
9. Potential Murder Suspect
10. Pack My Sh!t
Why Parents Have Grey Hair
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…. Dad she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Things Only Women Understand
• Cats’ facial expressions.
• The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
• Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
• Fat clothes.
• Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
• The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
• Cutting your hair to make it grow.
• Eyelash curlers.
• The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made