Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Farrah Fawcett and Cher – SONNY AND CHER SHOW

Smartest Teacher Ever

Bumper Stickers

• No Radio…Already Stolen
• Cover me: I’m changing lanes
• Me… You… Dinner… Motel…
• CAUTION: I Brake For No Apparent Reason
• Big Deal!…My kid knocked up your honors student
• Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
• Never mind the damn whales. Save the people!
• Remember you’re unique, just like everyone else
• I’m out of bed & dressed. What more do you want?
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
• As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer school
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
• Your kid may be an honors student but you’re an IDIOT!
• If we’re not to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Forget about Karma…Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes…use birth control
• I’m not as think as you drunk I am
• Sorry, there Slick. I don’t date outside my species
• Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges

And You Thought That Art Class Would Never Come In Handy

My son accidentally colored something blue instead of green, so I told him to just color over it with yellow & when it turned green, he asked if I’m a witch and I didn’t say no.

So now I bet he’ll clean his fucking room.

25 Irrefutable Cat Laws

“Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.”

Fall Down Drunk

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So, he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.

Dog Proverbs

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies
– Gene Hill

In dog years I’m dead
– Unknown

Dogs feel strongly they should always go with you in the car, in case the need arises for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
– Dave Barry

I wonder what goes through a dog’s mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
– Penny Ward Moser

The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage
– Danish Proverb

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
– Groucho Marx

As far as dogs are concerned, the scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch
– Michael Friedman

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs
– Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
– Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in… I think that is how dogs spend their lives
– Sue Murphy

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog
– Unknown

I loathe people who keep dogs — they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves
– August Strindberg

No dog should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation
– Fran Lebowitz

Dogs must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth… we come back from the store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow
– Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult
– Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can; that’s almost $7.00 in dog money
– Joe Weinstein

Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant
– Unknown

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
– Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
– Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
– Dereke Bruce

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face
– Ben Williams

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
– Edward Abbey

Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it
– Unknown

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself
– Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
– Andrew A. Rooney

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in
– Mark Twain

I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it
– Abraham Lincoln

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
– Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
– Unknown

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts
– John Steinbeck

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives
– Rita Rudner

How To Make Someone Feel…

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “l study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: “$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!” And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ear, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty’

Stupid Quotes

I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.
- General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, president – Brazil, 1979

Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
- David Thompson, Denver Nuggets player

I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
- rock star Simon LeBon of Duran Duran

Send all the details. Never mind the facts.
- telegram from the editor of the old New York World to his Washington correspondent

That is true — but not absolutely true.
- Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau

I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
- New York gubernatorial candidate Pierre Rinfret

We are launching this innovation for the first time.
- New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker

It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
- Lou Duva, on the upcoming fight of his protégé against boxer Mike Tyson

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.
- singer Cyndi Lauper, during an MTV interview

That picture was taken out of context.
- Jeff Innis, NY Mets pitcher, on a bad picture taken of him

I don’t like to look back in retrospect.
- Vince Ferragamo, Los Angeles Rams quarterback

Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…
- directions given on television’s “The French Chef”

Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?
- hockey player Phil Watson to reporters

And Helena got six inches during the night… Helena, Montana, that is!
- weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska

Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.
- sign displayed in a Japanese Hotel

I have lied in good faith.
- Bernard Tapie, French politician

The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.
- instructions posted in a river cruise ship; Suir River, Ireland

I feel like the oldest ovary-producing person in America.
- actress Susan Sarandon, mother of three children

You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.
- U.S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attaché in Cambodia

You can’t just let nature run wild.
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
- CIA memo, introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit

I really didn’t say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra

Now ride off in all directions.
- Michael Curtiz, directing actor Gary Cooper on a horse

I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised.
- letter from Marion Barry Jr., mayor of Washington, D.C.

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster

Lillian’s greatest strength is her strength.
- David Coleman, BBC sportscaster

Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
- announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody

I was not aware that making up a story and lying to the police is against the law.
- Goran Rasmussen, Swedish tourist in Thailand

Modern Apology

A man got a text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt, and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived – fuckin’ auto correct, I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

CONSIDER EXACTLY WHAT YOU MIGHT DO, IF YOU’RE UNDERGOING SURGERY, AND YA KINDA HALF WAKE-UP AND HEAR:

• Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy
• Someone call the janitor — we’re going to need a mop
• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that… Bad Dog!!!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
• Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again…
• Ya know, damn good thing this guy’s got two kidneys
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!!!
• Could you stop that thing from bleeding so damn much. I can’t see a thing
• I just can’t seem to concentrate today
• What’s this doing way over here?
• Don’t ya just hate it when they’re missing stuff in here???
• Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us
• Sterile, schmerill. The floor’s clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature
• This patient already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough
• It’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out, quickly!
• Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!