Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Tough Truckers – The Carol Burnett Show

When You Come Home Drunk

Medical Charts

The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
“The skin was moist and dry.”
“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.”
“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
“The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”
“Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”
“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.”
“While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.”
“When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
“Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.”

A Peanut?

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his
weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, “Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No, salty.” Her mom fainted.

6 Dumb Criminals With Worse Luck Than You

You might be the Einstein of the criminal set, but without a bit of luck you could still end up in the clink. Here are a few crooks that should have ponied up for a rabbit’s foot.

The Back-to-Jail Special
Two men decided a back-to-school event at an office supply store would be the perfect time to do some shoplifting. After all, store clerks would be busy helping an influx of shoppers.
Bad luck: The sale happened to coincide with the annual “Shop with a Cop” day, when about 60 police officers show up to help children pick out school supplies.

Caught-Caught
Police in Ossining, New York, were called to a mini-mart where they found Blake Leak, 23, trying to break in. They chased Leak through the streets until both cops took a tumble. Seizing the opportunity, Leak sought refuge on the grounds of a large building.
Bad luck: The building was the Sing Sing Maximum Security prison, where he was promptly nabbed by a guard

You Mean It’s Not Scout Night?
Two machete-wielding men barged into a Sydney, Australia, bar demanding money.
Bad luck: They didn’t know the club was hosting a bikers’ meeting at the time. One of the robbers ended up in the hospital, the other hog-tied with electrical wire.

Worst Customer Service Ever!
Joseph Goetz’s alleged attempt to rob a York, Pennsylvania, bank met with some snags.
Bad luck: Cops say the first teller he tried to rob fainted and the next two had no more cash in their drawers. Fed up, Goetz stormed out, threatening to write an angry letter to the bank.

No Vacancy
Mitchell Deslatte walked into a Baton Rouge, Louisiana, hotel and asked the clerk for a room.
Bad luck: The clerk wasn’t a clerk—he was a state trooper. And the hotel was actually a state trooper station. That’s when Deslatte was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.

Fish Tales
Robby Rose lost his first-place medal and was charged with a felony after it was discovered that he’d cheated in a Texas fishing tournament by stuffing a one-pound weight down the throat of a bass he’d caught.
Bad luck: Officials became suspicious when they placed Rose’s fish in a tank and it sank to the bottom.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Comedians in Chief? Funny Presidential Quotes

During a state visit to Great Britain, President Ronald Reagan purportedly went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. At one point, one of the horses passed gas quite loudly. The queen apologized, saying, “There are some things even royalty can’t control.” Reagan replied, “I’m glad you told me, or I would have thought it was the horse.”

“There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.”
—President Barack Obama, at the 2010 White House Correspondents’ Dinner

“These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule—first thing every morning—it said Intelligence Briefing.”
—George W. Bush, at the 2001 Gridiron Club dinner

“I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.”
—Bill Clinton, on the White House

“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can’t Swim.”
—Lyndon Johnson

“He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”
—Abraham Lincoln, coining one of the first lawyer jokes in American history

One day, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt visited a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, “She’s in prison.”
“I’m not surprised,” Roosevelt responded. “But what for?”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’”
—Teddy Roosevelt

“It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.”
—John Kennedy, answering a boy who asked how he became a war hero

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
—Jimmy Carter

“It’s a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”
—Andrew Jackson

Guys, Don’t Walk, Run In The Other Direction

Before you ask me on a date, just know I’ll only agree to lunch or dinner depending on my schedule & you will have to provide the following first:

$50 for gas, I refuse to ride with you in case I wanna leave.
$75-100 for a babysitter, or you could pay for two more meals.
$100 for a Shein haul, I need to be able to try on a few options for our date.
$100 for my toes, no need to worry about my nails since I don’t get them done anyways.

YES, you will be paying for the whole date. NO, I won’t be sleeping with you. & the 2nd date will depend on how well you tip our server.

If this is too much, then I’m not for you. I live my life like this already & if you can’t then Plz leave
me alone.

Ladies, am I missing anything else?

Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
(I think you’ll have to admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Hunting, or Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

I’m Changing My Name

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.

“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral”, he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

Way More Ways To Annoy People

1. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
2. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained
3. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”
4. As much as possible, skip rather than walk
5. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read
6. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
7. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it
8. Drive half a block
9. Name your dog “Dog”
10. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
11. Ask people what gender they are
12. Lick the filling out of all the Oreo’s, and place the cookie parts back in the tray
13. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes
14. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol
15. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr
16. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
17. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
18. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
19. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
20. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
21. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance
22. Ask to “interface” with someone
23. Sing along at the opera
24. Mow your lawn with scissors
25. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
26. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”
27. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook
28. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket
29. Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”

Three Trees & A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the
beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’ The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if That is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.

The One Book I Want To Read, I Can’t Find On Amazon