Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Headmaster Kills Student – Rowan Atkinson Live

Finger Blasters

8-Year-Old Going Trick Or Treating, Or 28-Year-Old Looking For A Good Paying Job?

1. The people with the biggest houses are the least generous.
2. You’re embarrassed when your friends keep getting everything you want.
3. You’re ashamed to be wearing something from Goodwill while everyone you know is wearing something gifted to them by their rich parents.
4. You only wear your most expensive outfit one day out of the year.
5. When someone refuses to treat you, you vow to throw eggs at their house.
6. You put on your cutest outfit, hoping it’ll make people feel more generous.
7. Even after your best efforts, you’ve barely collected enough to fit into one pillowcase.
8. You keep swapping goods and favors with your friends.
9. You keep changing what you want to be every year.
10. Cranky old people yell at you to work for the treats they’ve had their whole life.
11. You splurge on November 1st and have to ration everything by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.
12. You yell at the top of your lungs, “Give me a break!”
13. You’re heartbroken when you don’t have enough to give back to your friends.
14. Your parents have to pay for your trip to the dentist’s office.
15. You get progressively more numb to just how scary everything is.
16. Your parents feel bad for you and give you some extra for the end of the month.
17. You have to walk everywhere because you don’t have the money for a car.
18. You’re desperate enough that you will work for food.
19. Everywhere you visit has mindless zombies who are dead inside.
20. You dress for the job you want.

Don’t Make Him Choose Between You Or The Bike

A recently married man was in the garage working on his bike.

His wife came out and watched him for a minute and then said, “Now that we’re married you should probably sell the bike”

Suddenly the man’s face went pale and he looked as he was going to be sick.

“Are you OK? What’s the matter?” Asked the wife

The man said, “For a minute there, you sounded like my ex wife”

“EX WIFE?!” The woman shouted, “You never told me that you were married before!”

“I wasn’t”, he said.

Are You Starring In A Horror Movie Or Sharing A House With Small Children?

1. You can’t remember the last time you slept. Friends and family members regularly express concern about your haggard appearance. But whenever someone asks you whether you’re all right, you smile faintly and whisper, “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
2. You hear at least one bloodcurdling scream a day.
3. You’re on the toilet when you see the door handle begin to turn, slowly. Someone or something begins to rattle the door back and forth as if trying to force it open. Suddenly, it stops.
4. You arrive home to find messages scrawled in red on every mirror in the house. You scream.
5. Whenever you hear noises in the night, your partner sleepily mutters, “Don’t worry about it—I’m sure everything’s fine.” You insist on investigating anyway.
6. At the end of a long day, you’re relaxing in a hot bath with your eyes closed when you suddenly feel like you’re being watched. You open your eyes to find a small, pale figure standing next to the tub, staring down at you. You scream.
7. Someone in your house keeps pretending that a creepy little doll named Sally can talk and asking you to set a place for her at the table.
8. You arrive home to find small hand prints on the walls of the hallway. Your heart pounds in your chest as you follow them down the hall, terrified of what you might find. With each step, you whisper, “Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
9. You keep trying to throw the doll named Sally away because she creeps you out, but every time you do she reappears unexpectedly somewhere in the house.
10. You turn a corner to see a small figure standing at the end of the hall. It stares at you and says, “Come play with me, Mommy.”
11. You’re making out with your partner in bed. Just when you’re both beginning to pant and moan, you look over and see a small, pale figure staring at you from your bedside. You scream.
12. When you finally do manage to throw Sally away for good, someone keeps talking to her like she’s still there. Sally doesn’t like you.
13. You’re not sure you’re going to make it out alive.

Montana State Trooper

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his ear. the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into ‘drive’ and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow. wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon. having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled. “PULL OVER!” The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say. the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor?

Reasons Why This Page Was Left Intentionally Blank

• You weren’t ready to start the book yet and you know it.
• Moment of silence but for a page.
• Total accident and someone is definitely getting fired.
• This is Random House Publishing and the book starts when we say so!
• Forward was written by a celebrity that we should have researched more beforehand.
• George R.R. Martin is still writing it.
• We. Hate. Trees.
• We dedicated this to someone but they said they weren’t interested. Whatever. It’s not like the whole book is about them.
• Write your name and room number here just in case you lose the book when you fall asleep at the beach resort because no one reads at the beach and then someone will return it to the reception and you’ll spark a sexy secret summer romance with this mysterious, kind, possibly literate individual. Or get murdered and have an HBO series written about you. Have some fun.
• This is a real book and real books have blank pages unlike Kindles. Oh, Kindles have blank pages too? WOW, OK.
• Marie Kondo famously said, “Discard anything that doesn’t spark joy.” We interpreted this as reading.
• Words did not meet Florida curriculum.
• Better the first page than the last page, no?
• This is a journal. Let’s manifest.

To Be Posted VERY LOW On The Refrigerator Door – Nose Height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Team Building Activities HR Won’t Let Me Do for Some Reason

• Matching tattoos
• Going around and saying what you dislike about everyone
• DIY ax throwing in the parking lot
• Fish microwaving contest
• Egging Janet in HR’s car (for charity)
• Food fight
• Breaking into HR’s office and destroying evidence of The Incident Janet wrote me up for
• Fighting to the death for the last break room doughnut
• Fighting to the death for the big promotion
• Fighting to the death for the love of violent competition
• Snakes (for charity)
• Everyone shares the worst thing that happened in their life
• Dressing up as what Janet wrote you up for
• Fear Factor but with Janet’s lunches
• Releasing 100 rats in the building and the person who ends up with the most rats wins
• Binge watching a full season The Bachelor
• Binge watching a full season of Love Island
• Binge watching a full season of Flavor of Love
• Reading and giving me constructive yet gentle feedback on my manuscript, an activity Janet insisted was “an inappropriate use of working hours”
• Fridge leftover eating contest
• Having a repeat of The Incident where you see if the desk in Janet’s office is made of real wood by axing it up and trying to make a fire in her office but accidentally setting the carpet on fire and causing the company millions (for charity)
• Building an apology desk together, up-cycling all the paperwork from the previous activity
• Mets game (Janet is a Yankees fan)

Unanswered Questions

I am old and I realized I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street…why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same…why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed…why “abbreviated” is such a long word…why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons…why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to…why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune…why did you just try to sing those two previous songs…and just what is Victoria’s secret?
Unanswered Questions

Weekly To-Don’t List

Sunday
• Eat expired sausage
• Shoot finger guns at someone attractive
• Write a children’s book with terrible rhyming meter
• Join a cult

Monday
• Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday
• Mistake a wolf for your grandma
• Spill a 44-oz Sour Patch Watermelon Slurpee® on your laptop
• Touch your eyeball with a soldering gun

Tuesday
• Use Sony ATH-M3 headphones in places where the inability to hear ambient sound presents a serious risk (such as at railroad crossings, train stations, construction sites or on roads where vehicles and bicycles are traveling)
• Leak nuclear missile codes
• Go to T.G.I. Fridays—it’s not better than you remember

Wednesday
• Stop Believin’
• Look Back in Anger
• Worry, Baby
• Worry, Be Happy
• Speak
• Let Me Be the Last To Know
• Dream It’s Over
• Stop Me Now
• Stand So Close to Me

Thursday
• Pinch your chin in the clips of a bicycle helmet
• Start a women’s e-fashion brand with a name that combines two vaguely bohemian floral, culinary, or zoic nouns (e.g., Ginger + Juniper, Peaches & Milkweed, Barn Swallow and Blueberries)
• Buy a blimp

Friday
• Buy a car from a guy named “Skaggsfravel”
• Cross the road before looking both ways
• Resort to a life of crime
• Assist others with their oxygen masks before putting on your own

Saturday
• Accept a big wooden horse from a former enemy
• Forget your quarter in the Aldi shopping cart
• Pay a locksmith $95 before checking to see if the car keys are in your coat pocket
• Make a deal with the devil
• Touch that dial because your favorite radio station will be right back with the best of the ’90s through today

Well You Have To Be Specific

We were sitting in an empty train car late at night when I said to my wife, “Come on honey, get them out.”

She took her top off and slowly eased her t!ts out of her bra.

“The tickets,” I said.

“The inspector’s standing behind you.”

If Only, Unfortunately It Just Makes You Eat Cookie Dough