This Is How You Die
Phyllis Diller Goes To Cocktail Party – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
A Senior Citizen is…
• the life of the party…even if it does last until 8 pm
• very good at opening child proof caps with a pair of pliers
• a driver who wonders why all those cars are following behind them
• usually interested in going home, before they get to where they’re going
• a walking storeroom of facts, although some have lost the key
• good on a trip anywhere for about an hour or so without their meds
• a person who “Mall walks” for 2 hours then goes to a buffet for breakfast
• the first one to find the restroom wherever they go
• a woman who checks the stove three times before going out
• awake many hours before their body allows them to get up
• a parent who wonders exactly when their kids became smarter than them
• very good at telling stories, over and over and over
• a shopper who wishes a clerk would ask to see their Sr’s discount card
• positive everyone is walking and driving faster these days
• sure other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as theirs
• really cared for: long term care, eye care, dental care, Medicare
• not grouchy; they just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds or children
• a person who smiles a lot because they can’t hear a word you’re saying
• positive everything they can’t find is in a safe place
• wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy — and that’s just their left leg
• a person who sometimes has trouble remembering simple words like…
• one who spends more time with their pillow than with their mate
• a man who still chases women, but sometimes can’t remember why
• aware aging is not for sissies
• anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory
• a person who walks more now, like to the bathroom, but enjoys it less
• sure all the doctors are much too young and inexperienced these days
• aware you’re only as old as ya feel, but wonders how they could be 150
• positive newspapers are printed with smaller fonts to save space
• a person who can recall June 1959 vividly…but forgot what happened yesterday
Ice Cream Truck For Adults
There should be a margarita truck that plays the Margaritaville song as it drives around the neighborhood in the evening. And we would hear it and run out with our money and stand on the curb, waiting for it.
Like an ice cream truck, but, you know, with margaritas.
Bad Tips From Martha Stewart
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Peace And Quiet
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, …a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day.
Drunk Test
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’
What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means
Work processing skills essential
There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000
Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women and minorities encouraged
White males need not waste the stamp to apply
Top-notch communications skills
Telemarketing
Salary negotiable
We’ll take the lowest bidder
Advancement opportunity
Crappy job
Entry level
Really a crappy job
No experience necessary
The mother of all crap jobs
Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.
Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.
Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.
Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.
Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.
Public relations:
Receptionist
Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, master’s preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.’s salary
Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.
Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.
Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.
Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company
Dedicated:
You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.
Salary commensurate:
We’ll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.
Competitive salary:
We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.
Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.
Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.
Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.
Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.
Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.
Teacher Assigns Her Class Of Kids To Sell Something On The Weekend
This One Boy’s Strategy Is Genius.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “l sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. I made $2,467,” he said.
“$2,4671″ cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip and Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Toddler’s Creed
If I want it, it’s mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
The Mom Test
I was out walking with my 5-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth.
I took the thing away from her and asked her not to do that.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, and you don’t know where it’s been. It’s dirty. And it probably has germs.”
At this point, my daughter looked at me with absolute admiration and asked, “Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I thought quickly and replied, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”
We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“Oh, I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the dad.”
“Exactly,” I said.
| Welcome To Happy Meal Hell |
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| The ‘Confuse The Shit Out Of Your Kids’ Starter Pack |
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| For When Nerds Grow Up |
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| That’s How I Roll |
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| Watch As They All Go Right Through The Wind Shield |
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| I’m No Wildlife Expert, But I Think This Monkey Might Be Drunk |
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| OR Was This House Built On A Superfund Site |
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| Just Because Some Things Are Great Alone, Doesn’t Mean They Would Be Great Together |
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| Maybe You Should Try Putting It In The Water |
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| Words To Live By |
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