Friday Fun Stuff – 7-17-26 | Friday Fun Stuff

Sacrifice The Weatherman

Space Battles If Star Wars Was Realistic

Asses

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass outta this
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
[_!_] a hard ass

Dealing With A Lawyer

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Ladies Bumper Stickers

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going.
4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
7. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.
8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
10. I’m Out Of Estrogen – And I Have A Gun.
11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like…who Cares?
12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
13. And Your Point Is?
14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
15. Of Course I Don’t Look Busy…i Did It Right The First Time.
16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.
18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.
19. I’m One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.
20. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
21. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I’m Not.
22. If We Are What We Eat, I’m Fast, Cheap And Easy.
23. Don’t Upset Me! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies

I Suppose Your One Of Those Who Are Just Here For The Paycheck

A paycheck? Oh, no, I’m not here for the money. I’m in it for the love of team building exercises, the perk of wearing jeans on Fridays, and the possibility of free grocery store sheet cake once monthly to honor every single employee who had a birthday that month in one go.

Media & Medicine

• News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising. (Lord Northcliffe)
• You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. (Joseph E. Levine)
• Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)
• There’s no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary. (Brendan Behan)
• I don’t care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right. (George M. Cohan)
• In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes. (Andy Warhol)
• Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. (Claud Cockburn, winning entry for a dullest headline competition at the Times)
• Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don’t need it: if you are sick you should not take it. (Henry Ford)
• I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)
• Either this man is dead or my watch is stopped. (Groucho Marx)
• I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)
• Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order. (Spike Milligan)
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

Life Choices

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was just coming down to kill you!”

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2034

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock
• Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped
• Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but Pres Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only
• 35 year study concludes diet and exercise is the key to weight loss
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights
• Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches
• Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

That’s A Good Way To Live To A Ripe Old Age

An elderly lady on a flight ordered a mini bottle of whiskey and a pack of salted peanuts from the flight attendant.

The young man sitting next to her frowned and said, “Ma’am, at this altitude, alcohol dehydrates you twice as fast, and the sodium is terrible for your blood pressure.”

The old lady took a sip and said, “My grandmother lived to be 106.”

The young man asked, “Really? Did she drink a gallon of alkaline water every day?”

The lady replied, “No, she lived to 106 because she sat in her own seat and kept her mouth shut.”

What Is A Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

The Pastor’s Wife

Gladys was the preacher’s wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church.

One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman.

In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

To which the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one!”

So That’s What Those Emoji’s Mean