Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Frozen Gone Wrong

The Restaurant of Life – Studio C

Business Email Glossary

Thanks in advance: Get this done by the time i press “send”
Thanks for your interest: Why’d you have to bring this up
Would you be so kind: Fucking do it
Best: I have never physically met you
All best: This conversation is over
All my best: I wish you would die
Happy to help: This is the easiest thing in my inbox
I hope this helps: I’ve done all I’m willing to do
I did a bit of research: I googled it. because you’re too lazy to
Sorry to chase: Answer my email
So sorry to chase: My FUCKING email
I am realty sorry for being a pest but: I am LIVID that you are ignoring me
Please contact my colleague: This isn’t my problem
I’m copying in my colleague: This isn’t my problem and I am thrilled about it
I’ll check and get back to you: I might forget to
I’ll let you know when I hear anything: I will forget to
Can you check back with me in a week?: I’m hoping you will forget to
Per our earlier conversation: I just yelled at you on the phone
Great to chat just now: You just yelled at me on the phone
Thanks!: I’m not mad at you
Thanks!!: Please don’t be mad at me
Thanks!!!: I’m crying at my desk
Please advise: This might be your fault
Kindly advise: This is entirety your fault

How Are They Made?

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.

‘No, I don’t’, she replied.

‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’

She didn’t crack a smile. ‘Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.

‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

How Do You Know When You’re Middle-Aged?

You don’t understand what young peasants are talking about.
You struggle to read Chaucer in weak candlelight.
You hate rowdy taverns.
You constantly worry that you might have the Black Death.
You don’t know or care who Blondel is sleeping with.
You tell your wife that Crusaders seem to look younger every year.
You Struggle with new technology such the heavy plough and the longbow.
You find Gothic architecture too modern.
You keep forgetting who the King is.
You dream of buying a second hovel in France

The Rest Of The World Has A Few Questions For America About Guns

Rest of the world: How many guns should a normal person have?

America: About five

Rest of the world: That sounds like a gun enthusiast to me

America: No, a gun enthusiast has fifteen

Rest of the world: That sounds like someone obsessed with guns

America: No, people obsessed with guns have hundreds

Rest of the world: That sounds like a psycho

America: No, psychos seldom own guns, or just get one or two

Rest of the world: That sounds like a normal person though

America: No, a normal person has about five, we already covered that

How To Walk A Human, A Dogs Guide

Humans need exercise. If they don’t get it they become “chubby”. It’s up to you to save them.

1. Allow your human to tether themselves to you. This keeps them from wondering off or running away.
2. Your human will probably need breaks. Be considerate and stop and sniff often.
3. Bark frequently. Humans have short attention spans.
4. When you go to the bathroom, walk away. If you have trained your human correctly, they will pick it up. Good aerobics.
5. Periodically drag your human as fast as you can. This is called interval training.
6. Do not allow your human to shorten the walk. They are being lazy. Sit in protest if you must.
7. Once you return home, allow your human to remove their tether, then lick their face many times. This is positive reinforcement for a job well done.

Best Answer I Ever Heard

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So, I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said: “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said: “$200 and it’s yours.”

Never Have My Boys Ever

(1 point for each thing they have never done)

* Broken a bone
* Peed on the floor
* Made fart jokes
* Ripped holes in jeans
* Destroyed furniture
* Pretend to fly
* Farmers blow
* Left the toilet seat up
* Refused a shower or bath
* Had stitches
* Worn shorts in freezing temps
* Cleaned their room
* Run around naked
* Been to the ER
* Eaten a bug
* Played in mud
* Smelled like B.O.
* Played a sport
* Shoved items in their nose
* Left clothes on the floor
* Started a fire
* Shot a bb gun
* Been in a fight
* Caught a fish

Why Didn’t You Report It?

A guy stole my car last night and before I tried calling the police I thought.

“Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.”

Alternative Responses To “I Love You”

• I’m sorry
• Thanks
• *laughs nervously*
• That’s a horrible decision. really
• Who doesn’t?
• *laughs hysterically*
• *finger guns*
• Why
• YEET
• I know
• If only there was someone out there who loved you

Woman Has Man In It

Mrs. has Mr. in it.
Female has male in it.
She has He in it.
Madam has Adam in it.
Ever noticed how all women’s
problems start with MEN?
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist … & when we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy!

But just remember, when we can’t take it anymore it’s CALLED MANslaughter.

I Used To Hate Hearing This…Until I Became A Parent