The Silent Brothers – Dave Allen
The Strip Polka with Betsy and Bronwyn
Nine Important Facts
• Number 9 – Death is the number I killer in the world.
• Number 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.
• Number 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Number 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
• Number 5 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they wont bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
• Number 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
• Number 3 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Number 2 – In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Number I – Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
…and as someone recently said:
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.
Game Show Idea
11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn’t gay.
Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the 2 last people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.
Now here’s the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight man.
Deep Thoughts Imitations
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
–Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
–Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
–Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol’ person vote. –Age 10
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
–Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn’t want to upset him.
–Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping.
–Age 15
When I go to Heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
–Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower. –Age 11
I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
–Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.
–Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
–Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
–Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
–Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”
–Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?
–Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
–Age 15
The Raft
Seems that a few years ago, some Boeing employees who worked at the factory decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed there.
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly
Well, He Didn’t Lie
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge.
He starts questioning the priest first, “Did you play poker yesterday?”
The priest mumbles a quick ‘Lord forgive me’ and answered “No.”
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, “Did you play poker yesterday?”
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear “No.”
Finally, the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, “So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?”
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks, “How could I possibly play poker all by myself?”
Just Some Things I’d Like To Share About Myself
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Yes, She Meant To Say That
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not.
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed…
What Women Really Mean When They Say . . .
Can’t we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
I just need some space.
Without you.
Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven’t had a fight in awhile.
No, pizza’s fine
You cheap slob!
I just don’t want a boyfriend right now.
I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend right now.
I don’t know, what do you want to do?
I can’t believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here.
My puppy does this too.
I like you, but . . .
I don’t like you.
Of course I love you.
Just not in that way.
You never listen.
You never listen.
We’re moving too quickly.
I’m not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I’ll be ready in a minute.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I’ll pay for myself.
I’m just being nice: there is no way I’m going dutch.
Oh Yes!!!! Right there.
Well near there; I just want to get this over with.
I’m just going out with the girls.
We’re going to get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends.
Well, Technically He’s Correct
(I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.)
Me: “So, what will it be?”
Child: “I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.”
(There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed.)
Mother: “Eggs… he would like some eggs…”