Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

John Cleese and Rowan Atkinson – Beekeeping

It’s Inspection Day At Havoc Park

17 Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant

17. “I finished the Oreos.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

Cakes And Ale

Legend has it that a bright young student at Cambridge University had an unusual request during an exam – he asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale”.

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Lawyers

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.

Energizer Bunny Death Notice

AP March 8, 2024 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

Signs Your Doctor Is Too Old

• He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.
• He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.
• He’s always yelling at kids running across his waiting room.
• Instead of hooking you up to an EKG, he accidentally wires you up to a TV set showing “Murder She Wrote.”
• He tells you about the latest in anesthesia… and then hands you a bullet to bite on.
• He worked at Mt. Sinai… unfortunately it was with Moses.
• Says he’s skeptical about this new penicillin drug.
• Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is… he’s giving you a rectal exam.
• After installing a pacemaker, he says a second heart operation will be needed to retrieve his missing teeth.
• After discovering he’s out of colostomy bags, he says, “Here, use mine.”
• When he pulls out thermometer and says “102″… he’s talking about his age.
• You see him tapping that Knee Hammer on a 5 iron.
• Says he served as a medic during the war… the Civil War.
• He was Eve’s gynecologist.
• Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath… signed by Hippocrates.

Interpreter To The Mafia

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs,”Where’s the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood,”He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter’s eyes light up and says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Unanswered Questions

• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for???
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

That’s Not My Job!

This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Why Men Can Not Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s manipulation.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re self-centered.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

The Perfect Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again… although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her No; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.

(Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.)

For The Record It’s Not Just Mom’s Dad’s Have To Put Up With This Crap Too