Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Non-Illegal Robbery – Monty Python

McFuneral – Requiem for Ronald McDonald

Reasons Alcohol Should Be Allowed At Work:

1) It’s an incentive to show up.
2) It reduces stress.
3) It leads to more honest communications.
4) It reduces complaints about low pay.
5) It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6) Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7) It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8) It encourages carpooling.
9) Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10) It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11) It makes fellow employees look better.
12) It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13) Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14) Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15) Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16) Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17) It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18) Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19) Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20) Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21) The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
22) Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
23) Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
24) Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

A Love Letter From An HR Manager To His Girlfriend

To: Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Hs Juliet.
I am very happy to inform you that.
I have fallen in Love With you since the Of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would
like present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation
for a period of three months and depending on compatibility. would be made
permanent.
Of course. upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training
and performance appraisal schemes Leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally
between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However, I am broadminded enough to be taken care of on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter. failing which,
this offer would be cancelled without further notice, and I shall be considering
someone else.

P.S.
I would be happy. if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to
take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo – HR Hanager

Golf

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice – once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

Benefits Of A Good Vocabulary!

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

The Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project about “The Sea.” Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the ‘better’ ones. Here are some of the descriptions of “ocean life.”

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters’ balls are called pearls! (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 7)
8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

Conversation Between John Watt And William Knott

“Who’s calling?” was the answer to the telephone.
“Watt.”
“What is your name, please?”
“Watt’s my name.”
“That’s what I asked you. What’s your name?”
“That’s what I told you. Watt’s my name.”
A long pause, and then from Watt, “Is this James Brown?”
“No, this is Knott.”
“Please tell me your name.”
“Will Knott.”*
“Why not?”
“Huh? What do you mean why not?”
“Yeah! Why won’t you tell me your name?”
“But I told you my name!”
“Didn’t you say you will not?”
“Not not, knott, Will Knott!”
“That’s what I mean.”
“So you know my name.”
“Of course not!”
“Good. So now, what is yours?”
“Watt. Yours?”
“Your name!”
“Watt’s my name.”
“How the hell do I know? I am asking you!”
“Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have
not even told me yours yet.”
“You have been patient, what about me?”
“I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told
me yours yet.”
“Of course not!”
“See, you even know my name!”
“Of course not!”
“Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?”
“Because I don’t.”*
“What is your name?”
“See, you know my name!”
“Of course not!”
“Then why do you keep asking ,Watt, is your name?”
“To find out your name!”
“But you already know it!”
“What?”
“See, but you know mine!”
“Of course not!”
“Exactly!”*
“Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be
your answer?”
“Watt’s my name.”
“No, no, give me only one word.”
“Watt”
“Your name!”
“Right!”*
“Oh, Wright!”
“Yeah!”
“So why didn’t you say it before?”
“I told you so many times!”
“You never said Wright before”
“Of course I did.”
“Ok I won’t argue any more. Do you know my name?”
“I do not.”
“Well, there you go, now we know each other’s name.”
“I do not!”
“Good!”*
“Oh, Guud!”
“Good.”
“No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?”

Things I’m Super Good At

1. Forgetting someone’s name 10 seconds after they tell me.
2. Buying produce…and throwing it away two weeks later.
3. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed because I already forgot the directions.
4. Making plans. And then immediately regretting the plans.
5. Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning the dryer on to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.
6. Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now.”

Do Not Talk To The Parrot!

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Sick him, Spike!”

Drinking

I went up to a lass in the club and said, “I’ve dropped something.”
“Let me guess – your jaw,” she smirked.
“No,” I replied, “my standards. It’s ten minutes to closing time.”

I was way too drunk last night to drive home from the bar.
So I drove to a party.

Alcohol doesn’t agree with me … it thinks my wife is attractive.

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked, staring at me.
“Nothing” I slurred.
“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”

The Shits!

The Most Functional Word In The English Language Is ‘Shit’!

That’s right, shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there’s crazy shit there’s bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit.
You could pass this on if you give a shit or not, if you don’t give a shit, and I hope you have a shit free week.
But remember shit happens!!

Those Damn Chickens Keep Eating Each Other