The Galactic Job Fair Looking For Work
Leave It To Beaver 25th Anniversary Party! – SCTV
If Men Got Pregnant
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
14. Women would rule the world.
Dear Sir,
I am writing this letter to you as my resignation of employment.
I have had a lifelong dream of becoming a pirate. And today I have been given this opportunity to finally become one. set sail on the September 1st, and will spend most of my time at work until then thinking of a pirate name. I am open to suggestions.
Please do not be alarmed if I start talking strange during this time too.
Yarrr, as per my contract of employment, I am giving ye 2 weeks’ notice and me last day will be the 20th of August.
Thank ye matey for ye support during me employment.
Heave-ho.
Scurvy Legs McGee
Thing’s You’ll Never Hear A Man Say
1. “Does this hunter’s outfit make me look fat?”
2. “Do you think he is prettier than me?”
3. “My wife never listens to me.”
4. “I’ll have the light vinaigrette salad and a diet soda.”
5. “Why don’t we go to the men’s room and freshen up?”
6. “No, I didn’t see the game last night. I was watching QVC.”
7. “Looks like it’s time to buy some new underwear.”
8. “Okay, who left the toilet seat up?”
9. “I’VE GOT MY FATHER’S THIGHS!”
10. “The dog??? No, that was ME.”
Grandparents
Two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparents’ home.
When it was time for bed, the two boys knelt down and began to say some prayers.
Suddenly, the younger brother started yelling at the top of his voice,
“I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE!
I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER!
I PRAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!”
His older brother leaned over and whispered, “There’s no need to shout. God isn’t deaf.”
“I know,” said the younger brother. “But Grandma sure is!”
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Do you mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I need to lick one more, I’m going to gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. Hmmm…looks like it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you suppose you’ll be getting off today?
1. It’s just not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.
Fun At The Movies
Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see “Slumdog Millionaire” but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.
Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, ‘Excuse me ladies but I can’t hear.’
‘I should hope not,’ stormed the woman, ‘this is a private conversation.’
Gym Code Words
That was all you = you almost died
Engage your core = your form was shit
Looking big = looking average
Looking huge = looking average
I’m on a bulk = I’m eating like shit
I benched that in high school = I’ve never benched that in my life
I’m fighting demons = I can’t get over my high school girlfriend
Big Brothers
A little boy is learning to play the violin.
“I’m good aren’t I?” he asks his big brother.
“You should be on the radio” his brother replies.
“Wow, do you think I’m that good?” says the boy.
“No, but at least if you were on the radio I could switch you off.”
Deep Observations On Life
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” –Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” –Author Unknown
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”–Drew Carey
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”–Jeff Foxworthy
5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”–Paula Poundstone
6) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness…. I could be eating as low learner.”–Lynda Montgomery
7) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”–Johnny Carson
8) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”–Paul Rodriguez
9) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”–Jerry Seinfeld.
10) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”–Warren Hutcherson
11) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”–Mark Twain
12) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”–A. Whitney Brown
13) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.–Unknown, presumed deceased!!
Married Men Only
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men.
One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
Brenda demanded to know, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…….or what?’
‘Not at all, Ma’am,’ the Factory Manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.’
| Because Your Parents Were Assholes |
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| I Always Suspected |
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| Finally A Restaurant That Understands |
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| And That’s Why Scooby Can’t Go Near Schools Anymore |
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| For Men Who Like A Challenge |
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| Because We Like Other Peoples Drama |
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| Dodged A Bullet There Didn’t Ya |
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| Well, Most Of Those Make Sense…I Think |
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| Who Cares, We All Need It |
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| Oh Yeh, Why Didn’t I Think Of That! |
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