Friday Fun Stuff – 6-19-26

Children’s Theater Critic with Alfred Molina

John Candy as Orson Welles on the Billy Crystal Comedy Hour (1982)

Actual Bumper Stickers

• I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
• I don’t care, I don’t have to.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots … I married their king.
• My kid knocked up your honor student.
• Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
• This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted for telepath: you know where to apply
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

A Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep”.

“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”

“OK, why not” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.

Definition Of Words By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Definition Of Bravery:

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask:

“Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?’

Horror Movie Wisdom

1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it’s unlikely they’ll die easy, so be prepared.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.

6. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If you’re running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.

8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you’ll never have to reload).

14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

16. If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

17. If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.

Gossip Backlash

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

How To Speak Midwestern

No yeah = Yes
Yeah no = No
Yeah no for sure = Definitely
No yeah no = Oh no. You’re fine
Yeah no yeah = I’m sorry. But unfortunately. The answer is yes

It’s Both Sad And Not Wrong

In high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was.

We guessed the AP chem teacher, the pre-calc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc.

He goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodge ball all day.

The Official Male Code Of Conduct

1. Beer and pizza/BBQ is acceptable payment for helping another man work on his house or vehicle.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem-you didn’t see nothin’.

Thanks For Sharing Way Too Much

The best email signature I’ve ever seen:

“It is normal for me to take 2 days to read my emails and 2 more days to reflect on the matter and respond calmly. The culture of immediacy and the constant fragmentation of time are not very compatible with the kind of life I lead.”

Congratulations, You Just Gave Them A New Core Memory!