Friday Fun Stuff – 4-24-26

Substitute Axe – Kids In The Hall

The Conjugal Rights Guide

How Does Scooby Doo And The Gang Have Enough Money To Travel The World And Solve Mysteries For Free?

The Asshole Answer: It’s a cartoon, dumbass.
The Perverted Answer: Velma and Daphne are call girls.
The Stoner Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Cynical Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Optimistic Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Businessman Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Practical Answer: The gang probably charges for their services.
The Real Answer: Shaggy is definitely a pot dealer.

My Vote: Daphne’s parents are also rich, but still, definitely a pot dealer.

George Carlin On The 10 Commandments

Transcript from his HBO special “Complaints and Grievances”

Here is my problem with the ten commandments, why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this, when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why, because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY G OD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY G OD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior, dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is, coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now, the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN THAN YOU.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF.

Great Signs

A sign in a shoe repair store:
“We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!”

At an Eye Clinic:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Attack Chihuahua

So, the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua.

The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua! ” The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!” She pointed
to a table, and again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry. “Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

Mom’s Favorite Sayings

1. What part of no don ‘t you understand?
2. I don’t care who started it!
3. Money doesn’t grow on trees.
4. Your face is going to freeze like that.
5. Your hands are not broken.
6. Beds are made for sleeping, not jumping.
7. No one said life is fair.
8. Eat your vegetables.
9. I don’t know is NOT an answer.
10. Because I said so… That’s Why!

New Virus

FYI…

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.

Top EMT Quotes That Sound Dirty

1. Put some KY on it, it will go in easier
2. Let’s put a little fluid in her
3. She responds to painful stimulation
4. Just relax and let us do the work
5. She can take an oral
6. I’m sorry it’s so hard, I’ll get you off when I can
7. Hold her head so I can put it in her mouth
8. You’re going to feel a tinny prick
9. Lay right there & do exactly what I tell you

The Golden Years

Leaving the Store, I couldn’t find my Keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my tum to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

More Thoughts During Work

• I hate you.
• And you.
• Yeah, you too
• Shut up.
• I don’t care
• You are stupid
• Why am I still here?
• Walk faster, idiot.
• You talk too much.
• Ugh, shut up.
• Can’t I be excised for my Whole life?
• I’m hungry.
• I need sleep.

What Do I Look Like?

Wife: Honey, can you please help me clean the garden?
Husband: Do I look like a gardener?
Wife: Sorry honey, OK then fix the bathroom door.
Husband: Do I look like a carpenter? Then the husband walks out.
After coming from where he went, he found the garden clean and the door fixed
Husband: I didn’t know you could do this all by yourself.
Wife: Not Me
Husband: Who then?
Wife: John, Our neighbor
Husband: How much did you pay him?
Wife: No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or sex
Husband: Hope you gave him bread
Wife: Do I look like baker?
Husband fainted