Friday Fun Stuff – 1-23-26

My Favorite Things (TSA Version)

Old School Vampires – The Armstrong and Miller Show – BBC

A Peek Inside Martha Stewart’s Calendar:

Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for Jan.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Make a new Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home; place 12 Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books; cross out people I don’t know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for friends w/elderly relatives, so they’re ready to go
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
Jan 17: Plan repainting of Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

He Should Have Talked To Them Together

A woman went with her husband to his doctor’s appointment.

After the checkup the doctor asked to speak with ‘her privately’.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a serious illness, compounded by extreme stress. If you don’t follow these instructions, he’s unlikely to survive.”

The wife listened intently as the doctor continued: “Each morning, prepare him a healthy breakfast and help him start the day in a good mood. For lunch, make sure he eats a nutritious meal, and for dinner, cook something extra special. Avoid giving him any chores, he’ll likely be exhausted from work. Don’t bring up your problems, as it will only add to his stress. And lastly make sure to fulfill his every sexual desire several times a week.”

The doctor concluded, “If you do all this consistently for 10 months to a year, I’m confident he’ll recover fully.”

On the drive home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

Without hesitation, she replied, “You’re going to die.”

Be Wary Of These Combinations As You Get Older

As we wave goodbye to our younger years, we most also wave goodbye to some of the fads we loved. The following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo’s and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
And
14. Laughing with a mouthful of Coffee

I’m Going To Go With, This A Very Smart Toddler

A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had little sister!”

Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But honey, you already have a sister!”

Confused, the toddler asked, “I do?”

Sure, her dad said, pulling the kid’s leg. “You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!”

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, you mean just like my other Daddy.

Fuck My Life

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow, I said, “That’s funny, I don’t play tennis.” He then asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no, he said, “Well I guess we solved this one.” FML

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn’t see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize the car in the driveway wasn’t my dad’s. FML

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that’s exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he “can do so much better”. FML

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I’m Leah. She’d put the letters into the wrong envelopes. FML

Today, I saw my ex husband walking with his very beautiful, very pregnant wife. We divorced 7 months ago because he told me he was gay. FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice “Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?” FML

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent four years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the four hour ceremony is “too long.” FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria’s Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it’s fucking hilarious. FML

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right in front of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for “impeding the flow of traffic.” FML

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m 16. I’m a boy. FML

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, “Who are you?” Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

Just So You Know What It’s Really Like

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner … unannounced at 7:30pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him & his friend just sits & listens in.

Wife: My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas & I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?

Husband: Because he’s thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo!

Good Girls Vs Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls own one bra and…let’s just say it gets plenty of air.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during romantic scenes in movies.
Bad girls think, “I could do that better.”

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, “No.”
Bad girls say, “When?”

Really Bad Books

A girl was sitting with her father when she noticed her boyfriend walking toward them.

GIRL: “Have you come to collect your book titled ‘DAD IS HOME’ by John Smith?”
BOY: “No, I’m actually looking for our book called ‘WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?’”
GIRL: “I don’t have that one. But you can take this instead—’UNDER THE OLD OAK TREE’ by Emily Brown.”
BOY: “Alright. Just don’t forget to bring ‘I’LL CALL YOU IN 5 MINUTES’ when you come to school.”
GIRL: “Sure. I’ll also bring ‘l WON’T LET YOU DOWN’ by Mark Johnson.”

The father, who had been quietly listening, finally spoke.

DAD: “That’s quite a lot of books. Will he really read all of them?”
GIRL: “Yes, Dad. He’s very smart.”
DAD: “Good. Then don’t forget to give him the one on the table titled ‘I’M NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING YOU SAID’ by William Shakespeare.”
He paused, then added:
“And also, the one on the dining table—’IF YOU GET PREGNANT, BE READY TO GET MARRIED’ by George Orwell.”

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

25. No, it does not matter which quiz.

26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

28. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

31. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

32. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

33. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

34. If it itches, it will be scratched.

35. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

36. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

37. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

38. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

39. What the hell is a doily?

Who’s In Heaven

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?”
The man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had the chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”

Peter says, “That’s a good question. I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
So the couple waits… and waits…

Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, “OK, good news! Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come right in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple then asks, “One more thing. Eternity is a long time… if things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

Peter throws up his hands and says, “Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here – do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

It’s Just Not His Lifetime