Friday Fun Stuff – 1-16-26

Short-Term Memory Loss Blues – Ray Jessel

Schizophrenic Jeopardy – Mad TV

Apolitical Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

Give An Example

The President was visiting an elementary school and stopped by one of the classes.

They were discussing words and their meanings.

The President asked the class to give an example of the word “tragedy.”

A boy said, “If my best friend was playing in a field and a tractor ran Over him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the President. “That would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand, “If a school bus with 50 children crashed and everyone died, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” said the President. “That would be a great loss.”

The class went silent.

Finally, a boy at the back raised his hand and said, “If a plane carrying you and the first lady crashed, that would be a tragedy.”

“Excellent!” said the guest. “And why would that be a tragedy?”

The boy replied, “Well, because it wouldn’t really be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Great Comeback

Tonight, at work a creepy dude asked me, “What’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?”

I responded “I’m a thousand-year-old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed”.

An old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven.

Corporate Email/Memo Translator

“A Growing Body of Opinion”:
Two high ranking officials have already agreed in this matter

“Action Recommended”:
What it was we started out to do in the first place

“Assumptions”:
Influencing factors preferably those incapable of being proven or disproven

“Bureaucrat”:
One who, having mastered both Parkinson’s Law and the Peter Principle, can now draw a straight line indicating the longest distance between two points

“Clarification”:
Filling in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground

“Close the Issue”:
It’s not safe to push this any further

“Concur”:
Now we’re in this together

“Concur in Principle”:
I haven’t read the paper and don’t want to be bound by anything it says

“Deadline”:
An arbitrary date, normally selected by splitting the difference between the boss’s vacation and the next three day weekend

“Facts Bearing On The Problem”:
Those aspects of the mess that support our recommended action or which we know we can’t hide anyway

“Flextime”:
An intriguing approach to legitimizing those afternoons on the green

“For Concurrence”:
I am not going to take the blame for this all by myself

“For Coordination”:
My boss said I have to get you to sign off on this, whether you know anything about it or not

“For Your Information”:
There may be some action required here, but I just don’t see it

“Give Us the Benefit Of Your Thinking”:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it does not interfere with what we have already decided to do

Hey, She Started It

Met a 7-year-old at McDonald’s.

She stared at me and said, “why are you so ugly?”

I leaned down and whispered, “You can’t tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine… I’m you, from the future.”

She cried for 20 minutes straight.

Kids View Of Marriage And Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some
coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10

Both Statements Are Pretty True

Women fuck who they want. Men fuck who they can.
Remember that.

Men marry who they want. Women marry who they can … if they can.
Remember that, too.

T-Shirt Slogans

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front: 60 is not old.
On the back: …If you’re a tree.
I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis–A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I’m not a snob. I’m just better than you are.
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring….I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.
Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, they won’t have to tell lies at your funeral.

Who’s The Real Moron

A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.”

At recess, the teacher asked why.

One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…”

He held out a big 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin.

Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected— took the 50-cent piece.

Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said, “Mikey, the 50-cent piece might be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?”

Mikey sighed and said, “Of course I understand that, sir.”

“Then why do you always choose the 50-cent piece?”

Mikey grinned and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money!”

Let Me Guess, He Lives At The Office