Friday Fun Stuff – 12-26-25

The Rudest Christmas Song Ever …? NSFW

Christmas Shoes – Patton Oswalt

The Top Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking

• While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
• You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
• Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
• You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
• Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
• After each child, he has a Jell-O Shot.
• This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
• He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
• Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”

Apparently It’s Pretty Easy To Get In

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. “In honor of this holy season,” he said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “This represents a candle,” he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also enter heaven.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. “And just what do those symbolize?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

Funny Christmas Quotes

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. —Bart Simpson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. —Dave Barry

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” —Bernard Manning

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. —Phyllis Diller

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple

Home Security Reminder

A lot of people are going away for Christmas which makes their homes easy pickings for burglars. For security reasons I strongly recommend leaving one of your children behind to construct a series of elaborate booby traps and defend your interests.

The Top Don’t’s At The Office Christmas Party

• Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
• Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
• Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
• Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
• Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
• Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.

It’s Very Inconsiderate

To people who have Christmas lights flashing red and blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?

Every time I pass, I think it’s the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff, swallow my joint and
hide my gun.

THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can’t pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. Isn’t mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you’ll be fat and happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants won’t fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So, drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an egg- nogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip. If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Little Billy Gates Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It’s an impressive operation.

I also like how you’ve got it to where when somebody says “Christmas presents,” people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you’re a huge success, people still don’t know much about your private life. It’s just rumors. That’s so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you’re designing toys, only your elves know what you’re doing, and you’re way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you’re making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy’s stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can’t deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don’t play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very sharp.

What I don’t get is why you give away stuff. That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. I admit, it’s why you’re number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here’s an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That’s so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don’t have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you–windows. Everybody has windows.

That’s about all I have to say. You’re probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don’t really like to talk about my personal life, if that’s O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don’t really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I’m sort of like you–I make my own toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates

Without A Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you’re not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you’re ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

What Not To Do At The Mall

Apparently crawling onto Santa’s lap and whispering “I have been a bad, bad girl,” is NOT appropriate behavior for the Mall.

Who knew?

Well How Did You Think They Were Made