When You Like The Same Guy
Actual Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays
1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet, attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully en point and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
I Always Wondered What Happened To People Who Got Lost In There
There is a plausible theory that no IKEA employee has ever actually applied for the position. Instead, they were all once mere customers looking to buy reasonably priced furniture. But they got lost in the store, unable to find an exit. Each night after closing, smartly dressed office people sweep the aisles for poor, aimless souls. They tenderly dry their tears, hand them a T-shirt, and whisper, “Welcome aboard.”
Dog Commandments
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box.
(she likes her privacy).
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
Attention Children – The Bathroom Door Is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
None Of That Is Me . . . Yet
“OLD” IS WHEN…..Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN…..Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pace- maker opens the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..”Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..”Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
“OLD” IS WHEN…..An “all nighter” means not getting up to go to the bathroom.
Southwest Airlines
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?
‘The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’ ‘Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.’
Rules For Women To follow
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
This Is Why People Are Allowed To Change Their Names
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, “What’s your name son?”
He replied, “D, D, Dav, Dav, David, sir.”
The Officer looked at him suspiciously and said, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replied, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole.”
Star Wars Vs Star Trek
Top ten reasons why the Star Wars characters would click butt in the Star Trek universe.
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “STUN.”
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “SlaveI.”
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Where Did They Go Wrong?
The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.
“Chief Running Bear,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex with squaws.”
The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that.”
| I Didn’t Know They Had Those Kinds Of Stores |
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| No Tell Us More So We Can Make Fun Of You |
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| Just The Thing For When Your Bored In The Bathroom |
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| Well, Almost Every Problem |
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| That’s Too Much |
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| I Know A Lot Of People That Can Relate |
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| For Shooting Your Salad…Not Shooting Your Sister |
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| Geek Meditation Session |
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| Seriously! What Were These Guys Thinking? |
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| Good Thing He Didn’t Mention That He’s Already Been Their And Done That |
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