Nightmare On Sesame Street
Adult Wednesday Addams – Job Interview
Actual Notes On Hospital Charts Written By Doctors:
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
At Least This Weird Name Has A Reason
I was at the store and while waiting for my change I saw a woman with a little child.
The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted; “Degree, wait for me”.
I was so amazed hearing that name. So, to satisfy my curiosity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; “Mam, why did you name your child Degree”?
The woman laughed and said, “I sent her mother to the university and this is what she brought home”.
Bumper Stickers
• If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
• The Earth Is Full — Go Home
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening to Me
• Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
• Illiterate? Write For Help
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit
• Where Are We Going and Why Am I In The Trunk?
• It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
• How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
But What If The People Are Assholes?
One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people, If they laugh, you’re still young, If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.
How To Write Good
1. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5. Be more or less specific.
6. Writers should never generalize. Seven: Be consistent!
8. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
9. Who needs rhetorical questions?
10. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Some People Are Just Weird
I Saw A Guy At Starbucks Today.
No Phone
No Tablet
No Laptop
He Joust Sat There.
Drinking Coffee.
Like A Psychopath.
So . . . It’s Possible Then
“Maybe I’ll come” — I’m not coming
“I’ll let you know” — I’m not coming
“I’m not sure yet” — I’m very sure I’m not coming
“I’ll try and come” — I won’t try anything
“I’ll think about it” — I won’t think about anything, I’m not coming
Way More Then I Wanted To Know
- Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no…l mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast…
Top Ten Lies Told By Paramedics
1. It’s not my fault, he kept moving.
2. This might hurt a little.
3. I did say clear first.
4. I know where I’m going.
5. It’s OK, I’ll cut along the seams.
6. The ambulance is clean.
7. It’s the flu, not a hangover.
8. The gloves are for your protection.
9. The patient refused the treatment
10. I’m in it for the money.
Who Cares Why? It’s Still A Good Day
The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken”
| Had |
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| If Your That Old You Really Shouldn’t Be Working Anymore, But You Probably Are |
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| What, The Teacher Said We Could Have Snack Food |
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| Pity We Don’t Do This Any More |
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| Lego My Eggo! |
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| Same Words Mean Two Very Different Things Over Time |
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| That’s Why You Keep A Fly Swatter In The Front Seat |
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| Just Stop Stinking Up The Office You Asshole! |
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| Either Way Their Both Thinking The Same Thing, What The Hell Happened To My Arms |
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| 4000 Years Later And We’re Back To The Same Language |
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