Friday Fun Stuff – 8-8-25

Roadkill Lunch Meat Megapress – MADtv

The Dentist’s First Patient – The Carol Burnett Show

20 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. This explains your car.
10. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
11. Why is God punishing you?
12. At least this won’t take long.
13. I never saw one like that before.
14. But it still works, right?
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
16. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. Does it come with an air pump?
19. I guess this makes me the early bird.
20. Is that an optical illusion?

Be Careful Who You Talk To Like That

A senior crashed his car into a Ferrari. The owner of the Ferrari jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or you’ll be sorry you crossed me!”

The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money, but let me call my son – he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak, the owner of the Ferrari yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well, your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna whoop his and your ass.”

The son answers, “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes, the son pulls up in a Jeep. He jumps out and slaps the expensive car owner about a bit, then walks over to his father and says,

“Dad, for the last time – I train Navy SEALs, not dolphins.”

Bathroom Instructions

1. Eat food.
2. Wait 6 to 24 hours.
3. Enter bathroom.
4. Close door completely.
5. Pull down pants and underwear. Optional: take off all clothes.
6. Check behind shower curtain for axe murderer.
7. Sit on toilet seat. Make sure there is no space between your disgusting ass and the porcelain.
8. Push with all your might. Optional: pray, swear or scream loudly.
9. Wipe bum using the toilet paper provided. Note: do not use the towels hanging on the rack.
10. FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET.
11. Stand up. Optional: take a bow.
12. WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS using soap.
13. Open door.
14. Exit bathroom.
15. Explain to your family and friends why you are sweaty, naked and standing in the living room. Optional: take a bow.
16. Put on clothes.
17. Repeat as necessary.

Don’t Ya Love Karma

Old Mrs. Goldberg got a ticket for running a red light and decided to fight it in court.

When the judge asked her occupation, she proudly said, “I’m a schoolteacher.”

That’s when the judge squinted at her and said, “Mrs. Goldenberg… do you remember me?”

She looked closely and said, “Little Heshy Rosenbaum? Is that you?”

“It’s Harry now, Mrs. Goldberg,” he replied. “Your Honor, actually.”

She smiled sweetly, hoping her former student might let her off easy. “Look at you, all grown”.

Judge Rosenbaum leaned forward and said, “I’ve been waiting YEARS to see you in court.”

Mrs. Goldberg beamed, “I’m so glad to hear that!”

“Well,” the judge said, “the good news is… I’m waiving your fine.”

“Thank you so much, Heshy – I mean, Your Honor”

“The bad news?” he grinned. “You’re going to sit down right now and write ‘l will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”

Movies Disney Should Remake Using the Muppet’s

Pulp Fiction: line for line recreation. Samuel L Jackson is the human. Gonzo plays Vince. Fozzie is Marcellus, Rowlf is the Cleaner, Scooter is the kid who gets his head blown off necessitating the cleaner, and Piggy is Uma Thurman’s character. And, of course, Sweetums is The Gimp.

Muppet Raiders of the Lost Ark: Kermit as Indy, Miss Piggy as Marion, Statler & Waldorf as the Nazis, Sam the Eagle as Marcus, Gonzo as Belloq.

The Princess Bride: Kermit is reading the book to Robin. Wesley is Tom Holland, Inigo Montoya is Pepe Fezzik, Sweetums Princess is Ms. Piggy

Armageddon: But name all the characters after the actors that played them originally, without any context. Kermit as Ben Affleck. Miss Piggy as Liv Tyler. Steve Buscemi plays the same character as he did in the original. Fozzie as Bruce Willis. Animal as Peter Stormare. Scooter as Billy Bob Thornton. Gonzo as Owen Wilson. Sam the Eagle as William Fitchner. Statler and Waldorf can be working at NASA and provide comic relief when things start going wrong.

Friday the 13th: “Jason” could be a bewildered Fozzie who went ice skating with his bear cousins but now the hockey mask was stuck on. He is perceived as a threat because he can’t get the mask off.

How I Met Your Mother: Everyone is a Muppet except for Jason Seagal.

Muppet Die Hard: Kermit and Ms. Piggy as John and Holly, Fozzie as Al Powell, Dr Teeth as Hans Gruber and the Electric Teeth as the band of robbers (except for one of them), Sam Eagle as Chief Dwayne Robinson, Beaker and Honeydew as Agent Johnson and Agent Johnson, Pepe as Ellis, Gonzo as Argyle, the only human is Huey Lewis as the robber who acts like the doorman

The Sound of Music: It could be The Swine of Music with Miss Piggy as Maria. Or it could be called the Sound of Moosic where Gladys the Cow is Maria.

SAW: I imagine Dr. Kermit shackled in a room with Scooter. At one point Scooter tosses Kermit the key just out of reach and frustrated, Kermit easily slips the handcuffs off of his foot, walks over to pick the key up and then returns to slip his foot back in. I think Uncle Deadly would make for a good Jigsaw, Billy the Puppet would be Gonzo, Amanda Young played by Piggy, Hoffman is Fozzie, The traps would be hilarious.

Scarface: Piggy and Kermit inhaling piles of sugar.

Avatar: The humans are humans, the Muppets are Navi, and the Avatars are the Muppets with humans in costumes.

The Road: But the child is the only human

American Psycho: Kermit would be perfect as Patrick Bateman. Imagine Kermit during the business card scene. Statler and Waldorf for the three-way, Miss Piggy as Evelyn, Dr. Teeth as the homeless guy with Animal as his dog, Elmo as Luis Carruthers, Fozzie as Paul Allen, Gonzo as Timothy Bryce, Beaker as Detective Kimbal, Rowlf as Jean

The Matrix: Obviously, Kermit will be Neo and Piggy will be Trinity. My only question is who will be Morpheus?

Taxi Driver: Kermit as Travis, Miss Piggy as Betsy, Janice as Iris, Rowlf as Tom, Fozzie as Sport, Sam the Eagle as Palantine, Gonzo as Wizard.

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World: This one is almost a given.

Clue: Use your imagination for who plays who.

Goodfellas: Fozzy Bear doing, “Oh, do I amuse you?”

Drug Warnings Be Like:

Possible side effects include explosive diarrhea, sudden death, constipation, hair loss, depression, uncontrollable laughter, blindness, weight gain, loss of bladder control, infections, cardiac arrest, stroke, nerve damage, loss of smell, abnormal dreams, bloating, instant paralysis, projectile vomiting, amnesia, colored urine, hallucinations, compulsive behavior, extreme addiction, suicidal ideation, birth defects, mental anguish, loss of smell, insomnia, sleep walking, and difficulty speaking.

Phrases To Destroy Anyone’s Ego

1. “I don’t argue with people who need attention more than logic.”
2. “You’re used to being right because no one challenges you.”
3. “Your confidence is loud … your competence isn’t. ”
4. “You mistake dominance for respect. They’re not the same.”
5. “You talk a lot for someone who rarely says anything meaningful.”
6. “It’s impressive how certain you are … and how often you’re wrong.”
7. “You’re not intimidating. Just louder than necessary.”
8. “You depend on validation like it’s oxygen.”
9. “You bring nothing to the table except drama.”
10. “You’re not as relevant as you think you are.”
11. “You’re living proof that being loud doesn’t make you right.”
12. “I’m not interested in explaining myself to someone who doesn’t listen.”
13. “Your biggest achievement is pretending to care.”
14. “You don’t want the truth. You want to be agreed with.”
15. “It’s funny how you think I need your approval.”

Never Trust A Knight

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful.

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, “I always knew you were my most loyal knight!”

He replied, “It wath nothing, your magethy”

Never Have My Boys Ever

(1 point for each thing they have never done)

* Broken a bone
* Peed on the floor
* Made fart jokes
* Ripped holes in jeans
* Destroyed furniture
* Pretend to fly
* Farmers blow
* Left the toilet seat up
* Refused a shower or bath
* Had stitches
* Worn shorts in freezing temps
* Cleaned their room
* Run around naked
* Been to the ER
* Eaten a bug
* Played in mud
* Smelled like B.O.
* Played a sport
* Shoved items in their nose
* Left clothes on the floor
* Started a fire
* Shot a bb gun
* Been in a fight
* Caught a fish

What Do You Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on. man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So, Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.

It’s important at our age.

I Miss Those Days