Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Harry Enfield Pharmacist

If Men Were Honest With Women

Drug Warnings Be Like:

Possible side effects include explosive diarrhea, sudden death, constipation, hair loss, depression, uncontrollable laughter, blindness, weight gain, loss of bladder control, infections, cardiac arrest, stroke, nerve damage, loss of smell, abnormal dreams, bloating, instant paralysis, projectile vomiting, amnesia, colored urine, hallucinations, compulsive behavior, extreme addiction, suicidal ideation, birth defects, mental anguish, loss of smell, insomnia, sleep walking, and difficulty speaking.

Aren’t Families Just Great!

A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the husband’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told him they couldn’t graft any skin from his own body because he was too skinny.

His wife lovingly offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only suitable area was from her buttocks – a rather delicate matter. They both agreed to keep it a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word.

After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the man’s transformation. He looked more handsome than ever!

Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting his fresh, youthful face.

One day, deeply moved, he said to his wife, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?”

She smiled and replied, “My love… I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Fun Things To Do At The Mall

If you can find one

• Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
• Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
• Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
• At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
• Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
• Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
• Test mattresses in your pajamas.
• Sprint up the down escalator.
• Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
• Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
• At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
• Ask for rose-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
• Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
• Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
• Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
• Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
• Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
• Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
• If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
• Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
• At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

At Least He Has A Good Reason

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that”

Rejected Muppets

Name: Scraggle
Species: Wombat
Physical Appearance: Undead
Personality: Plays with fire, licks himself, drives over the speed limit, wanted in 6 states

Name: Dick Van Dyke
Species: Jerk
Physical Appearance: Tall and rude
Personality: Straight white man

Name: Cocaine Parrot
Species: Grey parrot
Physical Appearance: Parrot on cocaine
Personality: A tightly-rolled twenty-dollar bill

Name: John Lennon
Species: Monster under the bed
Physical Appearance: Sepia Toned Void
Personality: Whispering conspiracy theories while children sleep

Name: Snorlax
Species: Yarn
Physical Appearance: Big ball of yarn
Personality: Impossible to unravel

Name: Elizabeth Fangs
Species: Vampire
Physical Appearance: Vampiric
Personality: Sucking blood, can’t count for shit, love-bomber and gaslighter

Name: Kentucky Charles
Species: Salesman
Physical Appearance: Big Trench Coat Full of Watches
Personality: “Want to buy a cheap Rolex?”

Name: Mitch
Species: Turtle Senator
Physical Appearance: Dana Carvey
Personality: Master of Disguise, Evil Legislator

Ok, That’s Funny As Hell

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

*Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys*

Me: “Because I’m…”

*Lowers shades*

Me: “Hauling ass…”

*Taser deployed*

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Why You Should Always Test Before Your Buy

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Top Ten U.S. Military Slogans

10. We don’t like collateral damage, but it helps to stay the @#$% out of our way.
9. Total destruction in 30 minutes or the next one is free.
8. Often mistaken for the wrath of God.
7. We kill foreigners so you don’t have to.
6. If everything is exploding around you, that’s probably us.
5. Dictator got you down? Ask about our new “regime change” policy!
4. Just point at what you want dead.
3. Trying to win hearts and minds, but willing to splatter them if necessary.
2. When it absolutely, positively, has to be destroyed overnight.
1. We’re from the government, and we’re here to kill you.

Word Of The Day

“Exhaustipated”

[adj.) too tired to give a shit

Why Can’t I Find A Woman With A Just A Carry On Version