MADTV Dr Phil Parody
Here’s a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone
(on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the baseball games, etc)
• Yeah, I really miss my wife…but at least I have her skin to remember her by
• Have you ever tried cat meat?
• I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me
• Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth
• The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me
• My butt really itches!
• My shrink says flying helps offset my desire to mutilate woodland creatures
• Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?
• My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore
• Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?
• Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
• I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not
• This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary
• Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!
• If I go unconscious, stick your finger down my throat – that’ll wake me up
• Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me!
• I collect aluminum foil
• If me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?
I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise…
So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.
I walk everywhere for my health –
but I never find it.
I may not jog or workout –
but I’m a very brisk eater.
My wife has come up with a brand new exercise –
she shops faster.
I was bragging to a neighbor the other day that I could still do everything I did when I was thirty.
My wife spoke up and said, “Yeah. And you should have seen what terrible shape he was in when he was thirty.”
I even get exercise from magazines.
I bend over to pick up all those subscription cards that keep falling out.
I don’t believe in jogging or working out at a gym.
When I die, I want it to be from some illness.
My cardiologist says I have the body of a 35 year old.
He even told me where the guy was buried.
Never trust a jogger in the US. I mean any idiot who endures muscle cramps, swelling legs as well as lungs that feel as if they’re on fire, then tells you that they jog because it makes them feel good, will probably lie about anything.
Lies Told By Graduate Students
• It doesn’t bother me that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year
• I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article
• My work has a lot of practical importance
• I would never date an undergraduate
• Your latest article was so inspiring
• I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here
• I just have one more book to read and then I’ll start writing
• The department is giving me so much support
• My job prospects look really good
• No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years
Philosophers Of The Last Century
~ John Glenn…
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket
was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu…
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman…
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes
that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes…
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb…
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind…
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr…
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor…
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy…
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Prince Philip…
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips…
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford…
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan…
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall…
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand…
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger…
Having more money doesn’t make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden…
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz…
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
~ Johnny Carson…
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum… (School photo album).
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin…
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante…
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
. ~ Doug Hanwell…
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts…
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters…
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley…
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
You Might Be A Teacher If…
• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a valium salt lick
• You find humor in the student’s stupidity
• You hate to hear: “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have summers free”
• You believe chocolate is a major food group
• You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside
• You believe “shallow gene pool” should be an item on the report card
• You get a sense of doom if anyone says, “The kids sure are mellow today.”
• You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior
• You have no time for a life between September and June
• Marking all A’s on report cards would make your life so much simpler
• When you mention “vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group
• You think a permit should be required to allow reproduction
• You wonder how some parents ever reproduced at all — or… why ?
• You laugh uncontrollably when people call the staff room, “The Lounge”
• You believe in aerial spraying of prozac
• You encourage an obnoxious parent to look into home schooling
• You believe no one should reproduce until they’ve taught for 5 years
• You’ve been slammed by a clown who would never do your job
• You can’t have children because you know they’ll turn into a student
• You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form
• You know you’re in trouble when a parent says, “I have a great idea.”
• You wanna choke anyone who says, “You must have such fun everyday.”
• Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time
• Meeting a child’s parents answers the question
“Why is this child like this?”
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback.
Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released.
Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
Instrument Of Torture.
The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
Central Propulsion Unit.
The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent:
A gerbil if the machine is an old machine,
A ferret if it’s a Pentium
A ferret on speed if it’s anything else made by Intel.
Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
What we all need.
Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
A Joke In Poor Taste.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date:
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users: People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
People who break other people’s computers.
Things You Will Never Hear A Southerner Say
• We don’t keep firearms in this house
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
• You can’t feed that to the dog
• I thought Graceland was tacky
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe
• Wrasslin’s fake
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We’re vegetarians
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering
• Who’s Richard Petty
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds
• Deer heads detract from the decor
• Spitting is such a nasty habit
• I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today
• Trim the fat off that steak
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
• The tires on that truck are too big
• I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk
• Unsweetened tea tastes better
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
• My fiancé, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
• I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
• She’s too old to be wearing that bikini
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
• Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen
• I don’t have a favorite college team
• I believe you cooked those green beans too long
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla
• Be sure to bring me my salad dressing on the side
• Elvis who?
Universal Corporate Translator
Silent cube people
Cube people from Hell
People who belong in cells, not cubes
Zombie cube people
Zombie cube people from Hell
“B.A. required, Master’s preferred”:
Must have M.A. but willing to work for B.A. salary
Company that’ll file for bankruptcy next year
“Position, Entry Level”:
Crummy job, but you get to crack the whip
Really crummy job
“Position, Special Assistant”:
Really Crummy job with a title
“Position, Utilization Manager”:
The Mother of all crummy jobs
Employees may wear jeans every other Friday
We’ll pay ya whatever the hell we feel like
2.5% more than your last job & not one penny more
Ten cents above minimum wage
We’ll take the lowest bidder
“Salary, Range $24,000 to $42,000”:
The salary is $24,000 — Period!
“Salary, Submit requirements”:
We’ll all have a good laugh, then go on from there
The most powerful position in any company
Management responsibilities & migrant worker wages
You do all the work while ”Perry Mason” talks on the phone
“Secretary, Public Relations Specialist”:
Must deal with territorial co-workers prone to violence
Yet another Mother of all crummy jobs
Crazies acceptable — no druggies
Make Women Happy – Demerit Point System Explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
* You make the bed ………………..+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1
* You leave the toilet seat up………….-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
* in the snow……………+8
* but return with beer……….-5
* and no liners………………..-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night……. 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5
* You pummel it with a six iron………..+10
* It’s her cat…………………….-40
AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party…… 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy…-2
* Named Tiffany………….-4
* Tiffany is a dancer………..-6
* You take her out to dinner……………. 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar……….-2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night….-3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team……-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal…………………….+5
* The pal is happily married…………+4
* Or frighteningly single……………-7
* And he drives a Ferrari……………-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie……………+2
* You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
* You take her to a movie you hate……+6
* You take her to a movie you like……-2
* It’s called Death Cop 3……………-3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly………….-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it………………………….+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30
* You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
She asks, “Do I look fat?”
* You hesitate in responding…..-10
* You reply, “Where?”…………-35
* Any other response………….-20
When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression…… 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes………………..+5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…………….+100
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep………………-200
Mae West’s Quotable Quotes
Is that a gun in your pocket…or are you just happy to see me?
His mother should have thrown him away…and kept the stork
Q: Have you ever met a man that could make you happy? A: Several times
To err is human…but it feels divine
I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I’m a woman…but loose enough to show I’m a lady
It’s not the men in my life that counts…it’s the life in my men
A man in the house…is worth two in the street
Too much of a good thing…can be wonderful
He who hesitates…is last
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted
Goodness, what beautiful diamonds! Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie
It’s hard to be funny…when you have to be “clean”
When I’m good, I’m very good…but when I’m bad, I’m better
When a girl goes wrong…men go right after her
So many men…so little time
You ought to get out of those wet clothes…and into a dry martini
Those who are easily shocked…should be shocked more often
Anything worth doing…is worth doing slowly
I only like two kinds of men…domestic and foreign
Give a man a free hand…and he’ll run it all over you
He who hesitates…is a damned fool
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day…and another, in case it doesn’t rain
Whenever I’m caught between two evils…I take the one I’ve never tried
I generally avoid temptation…unless I can’t resist it
I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor…Believe me, rich is better
I always say, keep a diary…some day it’ll keep you
It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then…As long as you don’t break any
It’s better to be looked over…than overlooked
You may admire a girl’s curves on the first introduction…but the second meeting shows up new angles
Marriage is a fine institution…but I’m not ready for an institution
It’s not what you do…it’s how you do it
A hard man…is good to find
I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day…and Fox all night
Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime…when I got nothin’ on but the radio