Phyllis Diller on The Ed Sullivan Show
July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012 We’ll miss you
The GOP Convention
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”
7 Surprising Items In The New GOP Platform
The GOP Platform is getting major heat for its federal ban on abortion with no exception for rape or incest and for its support of abstinence-only programs. But there’s seven more things in there that went completely unnoticed.
1. BAN VAGINAS
Official Platform Language: “Republicans for a Vagina-Free Society! The Republican Party is blatantly against the use or possession of a vagina. Simply put, we don’t understand what’s going on down there. Like at all. Vaginas illicit from us the same feeling you get when you have to fill out insurance forms. Or when you watch Donnie Darko. What the hell is happening?! What is a tangent universe?! Where did the jet engine come from? And why did they cast Patrick Swayze as a child molester?!
2. NO ONE UNDER 40 ALLOWED IN THE GOP
Official Platform Language: “The Republican Party acknowledges that its policies completely turn off anyone that was born after 1972 – a time when Ali McGraw was the biggest star in America. Seriously, if you don’t remember that Ali McGraw was at one point considered the most influential woman in the country, ahead of Jackie Kennedy and Barbara Walters, then you are not allowed into this thing. We’re not even gonna try with you anymore. In fact, when you come knocking on our door the first question will be, “Who is Ali McGraw?” The second will be, “And where the hell is Bo Derek?”
3. GAY MARRIAGE? WE DON’T THINK SO.
Official Platform Language: “The Republican Party only acknowledges marriage between a man and a woman. But we do understand that it’s possible to get your dick stuck in a lot of different things. So, the Republican party believes in open marriage as long as no one ever knows about it. While we detest homosexuality and believe it leads to a life of destruction and sin, we are all for a progressive penis. As long as it leans to the right.”
4. ENFORCE P90X*
Official Platform Language: “Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan is a walking contradiction. Yes, his eyes are sad like a deer eating out of a dumpster. But his body is slammin’! Those glutes! Those biceps! Those calves that say, ‘This is a man’s body! A terrified, buff man’s body!’ And isn’t that what every man in the Republican Party aspires to be?
*Note: If you can’t afford P90X, the party encourages you to do push-ups so you can throw your grandmother out the window since she won’t be able to afford Medicare anyway.
5. DOLPHINS ARE PRETTY AMAZING
6. WE’RE GOING BACK TO DIAL-UP.
Official Party Language: “With all these new-fangled high-speed internet show-off things like Twitter and Roadrunners, we are finding it extremely difficult to retract the dumb things our politicians are saying in a timely matter. Therefore, all internet speed will be slow so that it allows us time to remove these terrible statements and pretend they didn’t actually happen. On another note, we should also go back to VHS because it’s easier to understand.”
7. PBS WILL BE REPLACED WITH A CHANNEL THAT ONLY SHOWS COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS
Give Me The Good News
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat…
Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”
Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”
Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”
Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects
1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?
5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
8. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
Girl Friend 1.0
Subject: -What software version are you running?
I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately.
I’ve been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object oriented.”
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
* __ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
* __ Cabinet Secretary – Other
* __ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________
* __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________
2. How did you hear about your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ TV ad
* __ Magazine/newspaper ad
* __ Shared jail cell with
* __ Former partner of
* __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
* __ Procured for
* __ Related to
* __ Recommended by lobbyist
* __ Recommended by organized crime figure
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* __ Spoke at fundraiser at my church
* __ Solicited bribe from me
* __ Attempted to seduce me
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
* __ Have my prejudices turned into law
* __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
* __ Obtain trade concessions
* __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
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* __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* __ Forestall military action against self/allies
* __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
* __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
* __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs
4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Performance of currently owned model
* __ Reputation
* __ Price
* __ Appearance
* __ Party affiliation
* __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
* __ Blackmail
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (TM)? ______
If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
* __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
* __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
* __ Defect in current model
* __ Dead
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* __ Convicted
* __ Resigned in disgrace
* __ Switched parties/beliefs
* __ Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.
She Looks In The Mirror
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS’ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can’t go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly”- but says: “At least I’m clean” and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Well What Did He Expect?
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the others behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
“She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
What Store Employees Really Mean
1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)
2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)
3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)
4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)
5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)
8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)
9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)
You Might Be A Republican If……
1. You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
2. You’ve named your kids “Deduction One” and “Deduction Two”
3. You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
4. You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
5. You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
6. You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
7. You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
8. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
9. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
10. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
11. You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
12. You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
13. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
14. You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
15. You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
16. You answer to “The Man.”
17. You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
18. You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
19. You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”