Cell Phone Reunion
F My Life
These are from the web site called fmylife.com and I only hope their made up.
Today, a customer that I’ve been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, “Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How’d you do it?” He replied, “I got cancer.” FML
Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? “No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls.” FML
Today, I walked into work after being completely wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying “crazy girl dances on tables at local bar”. So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML
Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn’t included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML
Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming “No bad touch bad touch!” and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML
Today, I went in for my 2nd day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML
Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her “Looks like you are going to have a fun party” she then looks at me and says “My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML
Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn’t use it. Now I can’t find it. FML
Today, my fiancé “thought I should know” that she has a $125,000 in student loan debt. FML
Today, I spent $400 at the strip club and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was tranny-night. FML
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment: ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home .
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
Stages Of Success
At age 4, success is..…………not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is…………having friends.
At age 16, success is…………having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is…………having sex.
At age 35, success is…………having money.
At age 55, success is…………having more money.
At age 65, success is…………having sex.
At age 70, success is…………having a driver’s license.
At age 80, success is…………having friends.
At age 85, success is…………not peeing your pants.
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door from the Monsignor:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @ss.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his @ss.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.
12) The Vir gin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s
She Was So Dumb That
• She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She tripped over the cordless phone.
• She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
• She told someone to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
• She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• At the bottom of the application where is says “Sign here”, she wrote Sagittarius.
• If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
• When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
• She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
• When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, “Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong!”.
• She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.
Male And Female Interpretations Of Common Words
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATUENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call “boinking” to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
What Shakespeare Really Meant
William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have s ex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Paris Hilton video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the
Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)