A Millennial vs A Baby Boomer

If Ice Cream Required A Prescription

• Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.
• It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.
• You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.
• There would only be one flavor, black licorice.
• It’ll take 20 years for a generic ice cream to come out and it’ll be black jelly bean flavored.
• Sprinkles will be extra. And they will come in only 1 color.
• To get a prescription for Ice Cream you need to first prove you’re not lactose intolerant. The test will involve swallowing radioactive milk and being x-rayed over 3 days to track the milk’s progress. This test will cost $2,500
• Insurance will not cover the test
• Ironically enough an ice cream black market will spring up offering vanilla for $25 a scoop.
• The list of side-effects will include brain freeze, a form of headaches. People with migraines and headache will not be able to get a prescription for ice cream.

You Try To Do A Good Deed

I tried donating blood today…

NEVER AGAIN!!!

Too many stupid questions.
Who’s blood is it?
Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?

Bad Excuses for Missing Work

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead

The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

And Where Are You Going?

I was stopped by the police around 2 am this morning. The officer asked me where I was going at that time.

I replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late”.

The officer replied, “Oh really… and who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”

My Town Is So Tough…

• Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
• Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
• Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
• High school newspapers have obituary columns.
• Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
• Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
• Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
• Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
• Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
• Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
• “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
• Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
• Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

From The Politically Correct Bedtime Stories Series

…The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way”…

And then he ate her.

Deadly Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

1. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
2. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
3. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.”
4. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever.”
5. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
6. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
7. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
8. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous. Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
10. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
11. “Get your “own” ice cream.”
12. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
13. “Got milk?”
14. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
15. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
16. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…
17. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”

MEN: ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM MENSTRUAL CRAMPS?

• Do you have monthly cramping and pain in the lower abdomen and upper groin?
• Do these cramps interfere with work, sports, parenting or fun?
• Do you have monthly gas-like pain with no associated “release”?

You may have Male Cyclical Non-uterine Dysmenorrhea, or “Male Menstrual Cramps.” If so, you may be eligible to participate in a Phase I Clinical Research

Study to evaluate investigational treatments for this disorder.
Qualified male volunteers will receive fully sterilized study-related care at no cost.

Contact Dr. G. Fardel, M.D., Ph.D. at MenWithCramps.Com. Your identity and information will be held in the strictest confidence whenever possible.

YOU CAN GET HELP!

Scammers Getting Fucked By Callers

Got a call from “the social security administration”. I asked for the company’s address and he paused and then said “New York, America”.

Yeah. Got a call from the “duct cleaning” people. I told them I don’t have ducts, I have geese…
They just hung up on me and haven’t bothered me since.

My friend speaks English, Spanish and Russian. He would just start randomly switching between languages and each language had a different personality. He would confuse them into total submission. They rarely called back.

The thing that gets them is wasting their time. They are getting paid to make calls so the longer you keep them on the better. One thing I like to do is start a rambling story that goes no where like Grampa Simpson does on ‘The Simpsons’.

You know: “Survey? Yes, I’ve taken some surveys in my time, why, I even worked on one. Now I think it was in ’06, or was it ’07? No, it must have been ’06 because that was the Winter I crashed my Buick. God I miss that old car! It was such a beautiful shade of green like the jungle, now, I’ve been to the jungle and BOY do they have mosquitoes…”

Got a call that there was a virus on my computer told them that was impossible as I throw my computer into the river so the cops couldn’t get any evidence on me. Haven’t heard from them since.

Saying something like, Welcome to Jim’s whore house. You got the dough we got the hoe.

About once or twice a week I would get the “Microsoft Support” phone call. For about 3 weeks, I would hang up on them. After about a month of this, I decided to jack with them. I let them give their line about how my computer is sending them error, blah, blah, blah, blah. I kept responding with, “interesting”, “ok”, “fascinating”, etc.

When they said that they wanted to connect to my computer, I told them that this would be difficult. They asked why, I told them that they called the server room for the Pentagon. I do not think I have ever heard anyone hang up quicker.

The phone scam that puts you through to someone who says you have been in a accident, no longer calls me because I just keep telling them an elephant ran out in front of my car and it was a hit and run and I didn’t get the plate.

Answer the phone. Connect to an agent, mute your phone and carry on with what you were doing. They quickly take you off their dialers when you waste their agents time.

I get a call from a random pharmaceutical company saying that my supply if Viagra is ready for pick up. I told him that I had a complaint regarding the Viagra. I said that I only took half a pill and now only half of my PP was hard. Now my base is hard but the tip was soft and I was pissed. I kept going on this Viagra rant for about a minute or so and then they hang up. Happened twice and my friends are still laughing.

I took a call from the “I hear you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault” call that I get about once a week. It’s automated at first, but as soon as I said yes I got put through to someone.

I spent 20 mins explaining how someone reared into my lane and crashed into me and it wasn’t my fault, at the end when they asked me for details of the damage I explained that they bent the handlebars a bit but the bicycle was mostly OK. They hung up on me and I haven’t back from them for about a month.

Told them that I was a member of their branch a floor above them and that they misdialed. They said “Fuck you” and hung up. Didn’t get a call back from them for a few months.

I always hit the button to speak with a person or get more info, or sometimes they call with a live person to begin with. I put on my ‘sexy’ low voice and say ‘hey baby, how you doin?’. They usually hang up immediately. If not my next response to whatever they say is ‘that sounds really hot, what are you wearing?’.

Pretty close to 100% hang up and don’t call back.

“Hello! Federal Bureau of Investigation, Telemarketing Fraud Department, how may I help you!”

I got a call, started reeling off this massive script. Finished probably after 2 minutes of solid talking, and I politely sat through the whole thing.
I paused and said “…Sorry?”
She said “again” and started the whole script again from the start.
Another 2 minute solid talk-wall later, I said “…Sorry?”
This time, there was a bit of frustration in her voice. “AGAIN” and once again did the whole 2 mins again, aggressively this time.
“…Sorry?”
“fuck this” and the call ended.

Would receive a specific one 9 times out of 10, “Your car warranty is about to expire, press 1 if you’d like to be connected to a representative.”

So I would oblige, wait for someone to come on the line and say “Make, Model and Year of your vehicle,” which i usually followed up with “2013 HasBro ATV or 2017 Little Tikes Tricycle” or something of that nature. I must have become a famous caller because they only called maybe 6 times after I started doing that and they always started with “Oh look who it is.” Eventually, it just stopped. I assume it’s because they were tired of wasting their time on someone who was wasting their time.

Just ask them if they want to buy sex toys or something, just present yourself as a salesman of another company.

I asked them for THEIR social security and they hung up on ME. Wack.

So That’s Why People Raise Them

One summer day, a city dog was taken to a vet in Maine following an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prising, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its lady owner.

‘How much do I owe you?’ she asked.
‘Forty dollars,’ replied the vet.
‘Forty dollars? That’s outrageous!’ she cried. ‘That’s the trouble with you Maine people – you’re always trying to overcharge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter when we’re not being conned?’
The vet replied: ‘Raise porcupines, ma’am.’

Kitty Litter Huh? Look At The Bright Side. It Could Have Been Diapers

My Wife Would Be Really Good At This…Should I Worry?

And Mean As Hell!

Thanks A Lot Buddy I Never Would Have Figured That Out

Oh You So Totally Are! We All Wish We Looked Like You!

Damn Alien Tourists!

Well What Did You Think He Looked Like Under All That Fur?

Two Great Things Do Not Always Go Together

My Insurance Company Didn’t Believe My Story About Spider-Man

TALK DAMN YOU!!! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MS PIGGY!!!

The Worst Guy to Run Into After the Apocalypse

Australian Tourist Website

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Pets & Kids

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

10 Signs You Are Dealing With A Dumb Criminal

1) He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3) Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4) You caught him driving a stolen car with “The Club” still on.
5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6) He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of “Yo’momma” one liners.
7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he’s innocent.
8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he’s a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9) He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,
flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship…
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Great Bar Room Signs

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durha , NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

It’s hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA

And perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Tender Moments

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears: ‘You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what Martha?’

‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.

Literal Definitions

1. ARBITRAITOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE; What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER: Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK: What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES: What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES: What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST: A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE: What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE: Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS: Twenty Cents
21. INUENDO: Directions for preparation H
22. BIGAMIST: An Italian Fog

Well How Did You Think It Got Clean

A number of girls in middle school were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Men & Women

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man…

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Two Aliens

It’s a long way to go for a punch line but it’s worth it!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings,Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’ The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’ The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s naughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

Don’t Even Start!

And The Worst Part Is I’m Still Working From Home

Isn’t Less Then One Star Possible?

They Need To Put This In The FOX News Office

Never Saw It Put Better

So That’s What Your Supposed To Use It For

There Are Some Things You Just Can’t Apologize For

This Would Have Been A Hell Of A Lot Better Then Just Say No

Now That’s Just Mean

Why Not? It’s True

A Present From Deep Inside of You (Original Music) – SOUTH PARK

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it’s fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from “America’s Most Wanted”
5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
2. Kids who don’t understand that Santa’s been a little jittery since he got back from ‘Nam
1. Two words: lap rash

Be Careful What You Ask Kids To Do

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.

When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”

Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.” “But why–” asked the startled father. “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”

“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”

How To Know That Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

Christmas In Arkansas

‘Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren’t home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said “Shoot Fire!” That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!”

YEE HAWWW!

Recalled Christmas Toys

• Broken Bag-O-Glass
• Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
• Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
• Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
• Switchblade Barney
• Pork-n-Beany Babies
• Make your own moonshine kit
• Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

Christmas Tree Angel

One Christmas long ago, Santa was preparing for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Five of his elves had become ill and the trainee elves weren’t making the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus informed him that her mother was coming to visit which added to his stress.

When he went out to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress for Santa to deal with. Then, when he went to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey, only to discover that the elves had gotten to the liquor bottle and consumed all of it. Frustrated even more, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom to clean up the mess and found the mice had eaten it.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. He opened the door and there stood an angel with a large Christmas tree. The angel looked up at Santa and cheerfully said, “I have a beautiful tree for you, Santa. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And that, friends, is how the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree began.

Signs You Bought A Lousy Tree

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
7. Salesman’s opening line: “You’re not a cop, are you?”
6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
4. Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it.
3. It’s very small and says “air freshener” on it.
2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
1. Constantly bragging about its “trunk size”

Military Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we’d heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
“Alert status red!” went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant “FIRE!”

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters–let’s send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer’s parachute.

Now it isn’t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can’t hope to evade
All the web of defenses we’ve carefully made.

But a crash program’s on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let’s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa’s coming by stealth!

If Men Ruled The World…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a “Good effort, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in beer.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage other towns.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The trash would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re number 1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Crime Stoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Policeman: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Policeman: “Nice one. That’s 10 bucks off.”

Taps would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 per cent proof.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Traditional Fruit Cake Recipe

You will need the following :

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 eggs
2 cups of dried chopped fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
2-1/2 cups flour
1 cup brown sugar
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
1 cup lemon juice
Bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large mixing bowl.

Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Break eggs and add to the bowl. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt…or something….anything….who cares.

Check the whishkey. Repeat.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever’s available.

Grease the oven. Turn pake can to 350 degrees. Remember to beat off the turner. Open window, throw bowl out.

Check whishkey one more time and go to bed.

Well How Did You Think He Made Sure No One Ever Saw Him?

And What Do You Want For Christmas Little Boy?

EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME!!!

Is Anyone Ever Going To Be This Good?

Who Made Him Boss Anyway?

The Day After Christmas Sales

I Always Wondered What It Was For

And The Government

That Doesn’t Work For Guys

That’s Basically All Of 2020

I Hate Long Goodbye’s

With apologies to all those of Italian origin and to those who contemplate a cruise on the Med:

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? – On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? – Leeks

What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? – Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That’s more than can be said for his ship

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.

What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing – The bottoms dropped out of both.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: “I’m here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.

It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT!” said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back

Interesting Insults

He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
You’re so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.
You’re lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

Brainwashing Childhood Classics

Fox News recently reported that the Liberals were using The Muppet’s to brainwash children into communism. But don’t you see, Fox News? ALL childhood classics brainwash kids! For example…

SCOOBY DOO
Teaches atheism by encouraging that you solve life’s mysteries. IT’S ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN, VELMA, JUST LET IT GO.

101 DALMATIANS
The ORIGINAL Animal Hoarders.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
What are tanks made out of? Steel. What’s the Russian translation of “steel”? Stalin.

E.T.
Why are we showing kids that it’s okay to sneak aliens around our soil? Just build a fence already!

WINNIE THE POOH
Eeyore lives in a house made out of sticks and wears a pink bow on his butt. He’s a cross dresser and part of the 99% all at the same time.

THE FLINTSTONES
Notice how no one in Bedrock ever wears shoes? Damn hippies.

THUS, television and movies just love teaching children to be horrible. But don’t worry! It helps them grow up to be joyless adults who work for Fox News.

More Fun Things To Do At Wall-Mart

1. TP as much of the store as possible.
2. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
3. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
4. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
5. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
6. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
7. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
8. Take bets on the battle described above.
9. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
11. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
12. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
13. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
14. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
15. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
16. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
17. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
18. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
19. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
20. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
21. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
22. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
23. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
24. Pay off layaway’s fifty cents at a time.
25. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Confessional

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand …and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’…”

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit? What happened next’!?”

I Knew It Was Over When…

I knew it was over on our second date when he threw his legs over his shoulders and proudly lit a thunderous fart on fire with a lighter. —Tiff
Aftermath: Ended shortly thereafter, for obvious reasons. The white ball of flame was impressive, though.

We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time…and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days. —Lily
Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)

As I drove her home, she suddenly looked at me in terror and said, “I’m so sorry!” which was promptly followed by the sound of her full bladder erupting all over my passenger seat.
— one unfortunate guy
Aftermath: Oddly enough, I didn’t feel compelled to ask her out again.

A big man walked up to my fiance and told him to stay the f**k away from his wife.
—Amy
Aftermath: He denied the affair initially, but then dumped me on the eve of my 30th birthday. I was visiting him abroad, so he put me up in a hotel while I waited for my flight home. I upgraded to the penthouse and ordered lots of room service to at least stick him with a big bill.

I drove 140 miles to console her over getting a ‘B’ on a graduate school exam even though I was terribly ill. During the night she woke me to tell me my breathing was bothering her and could I go sleep on the couch? —Andy
Aftermath: Four months later, she told me that she sat rocking in a chair and crying all afternoon because she felt all of her friends liked me more than her and she wanted to be the ‘star’ of the relationship.

She was always teasing me with a 3-way, with another girl. But, when she came home with her new best girlfriend, they had no interest in me.—Ricky
Aftermath: Divorced 6 months later.

He called me from out of the country and told me that he knew I was in a grocery store. And he wanted to know who I was shopping with (a male friend who had a car). Turns out his friends saw me and called him to tell him what I was doing.—Lindsey
Aftermath: I found out that he was an international drug dealer, living under a different name, was married, and had 5 children by 5 women…all at age 26.

Hilarious Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.

10. Viagra, whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

Quotes On Stupidity

Without Human Stupidity the World Would Probably Be a Better Place but Probably Also a Lot Less Fun ~ Unknown ~

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein ~

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. ~ Voltaire ~

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein ~

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. ~ Unknown ~

Television … A Creative Expression of Human Stupidity! ~ Unknown ~

You Might Be A Redneck If…

…You think the last three words of the national anthem is ‘start your engines.’
…Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
…One of your kids was born on a pool table.
…If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
…You think the stock market has fence around it.
…You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
…You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
…Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow… but she can’t touch it ’til she’s fourteen.
…The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
…Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
…You’ve ever burped and killed a fly
…There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
…You’re saving up to gravel your driveway.
…You’ve ever bought a used cap.
…You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids it’s a water park.
…You’ve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.
…Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
…You’ve ever had a dream about beef jerky.
…Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
…Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story, but you sure like to look at the pictures.
…You’ve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
…Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
…The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.
…In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

To Hell With The Wisconsin Office, I Want A Transfer To LA!

Why You Should Never Drive And Text

Do You Really Think There’s Someone Else Out There That Would Want It?

Actual 1930′s Ad – Oh My God That’s So Easy Why Didn’t Someone Think Of That Before!

I’ve Heard Of Pistol Packing Grannies But This Is Ridiculous

Yes I’m Rich How Did You Know? Oh, Lucky Guess

So What’s The Up Side To This Whole Marriage Thing?

Wipe Out!!!!! No Shit, Really? That’s The Best You Could Come Up With?

So What You Been Up To?

Would A Woman Ask This Same Question?…Even If She Could?

Casual Sex Friday

Signs You Ate Too Much Over The Holidays

13. You “roll” out of bed in the morning…and keep rolling!

12. Even your jeans have stretch marks

11. Your mother-in-law comments about your lace drapes and what a lovely nightgown they’d make you

10. Your husband has suddenly added new locks in the house…to the fridge, the pantry, the freezer, the pet food bin…

9. You’ve been receiving “Thanks for subscribing” emails from weight loss sites when you haven’t subscribed.

8 Your best friend gives you the evil eye whenever you mention the “F” word . . . FOOD!

7. Your husband has added an extra beam under the suddenly-sagging kitchen floor

6. The elephants in the local zoo are whistling in your direction

5. People you meet are congratulating you while glancing at your tummy

4. You need a new scale – the old one says “tilt” each time you step on it

3. You press “UP” in an elevator…and it doesn’t

2. You were mistaken for the main act at the Sumo Wrestling match

And the #1 sign you ate too much over the holidays:

1. During your winter vacation, groups of people at the beach stand behind you for shade

Andy Rooney On Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

Genetic Engineer

The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me about his job.
His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.
First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a “Phen.”
Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a “Phoose.”
Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck.

He called it… “Charlie”.

You people have dirty minds!

Things You’d Like To Hear

just once …

From a mechanic:
“That part is much less expensive than I thought.”
“I’ve never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.”
“You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
“It was just a loose wire. No charge.”

From your child’s preschool teacher:
“Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.”
“Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks.”
“I wish we had 20 Michaels.”

From a store sales assistant:
“The computerized cash register is down. I’ll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.”
“I’ll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.”
“We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.”

From your doctor:
“Of course I’ll come by your house to check on you.”
“Give me a call at home over the weekend if you’re not feeling better.”
“Sure, come on by this afternoon, we’ll work you in.”
“I’ll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.”
“Here, take these samples.”
“Don’t worry about it, there’s no charge for that.”
“Yes, the test shows exactly what is wrong with you and this is how you heal it.”
“I recommend you get a second opinion.”

From a contractor:
“Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.”
“I think I came in a little high on that estimate.”

From a dentist:
“I think you’re flossing too much.”
“I won’t ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth.”

From restaurant staff:
“I think it’s presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it’s Tim.”
“I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.”

Just Got Thrown Out Of The Local Mosque

Just got thrown out the local mosque again. I was standing there all quiet during prayers….And…Well….I couldn’t help myself… I fucking love leapfrog.

A Man’s Prenuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, _____________ a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01: And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2: I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

Section 5: In bed, I will be more then happy to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and will always love your *weekend* beard.

Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.

Section 7: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything mechanical. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Words For 2012

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’)
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually nothing in there worth seeing.
TRAMP STAMP: Tattoo on a female.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.

What Did You Call That Cake?

My husband and I were invited to a party and each couple brought a dish.
When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called “Better Than Sex Cake.”

After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, “I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert.”

The Photo On The Night Stand

After a long night of making love, to his new girlfriend the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.

‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.

‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.

‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.

‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.

‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.

She whispers in his ear

‘That’s me before the surgery.’…

Moose Head Beer

They dressed the truck up with the guy dummy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.

The driver and passengers put on Moose Heads.

Down the Maine Toll interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.

They went to jail.

(some cops have no sense of humor)

Who Says Plants Aren’t People Too

You Mean I’m Actually Going To Need This Stuff?

That Dog Of Yours Is History!

Hmmm My First Car’s Total Fill Up Cost Less Than Today’s Single Gallon

I Just Hope It Didn’t Have High Heals

So That’s What They Did Before Skateboards

Some People Really Shouldn’t Be Aloud To Perform At Award Shows

I Am The Evil One! You Will Worship Me!

Truer Words Were Never Said

Christmas Time At Steven King’s House

You Need A “Girlfriend”!

Don’t be fooled! The side affects are pretty harsh,

Definitions Male/Female

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male…Playing any sport without a “cup.”

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male…Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male…What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female…A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male…Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female…A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male…Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female…An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male…An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male…Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female…A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male…A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female…An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner’s attention.
b. male…6 months off from spending time with what’s her name.

Best Excuse Ever

This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.

Heard from the head of HR of a large bank, that the best excuse for absenteeism he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years. It was from a female employee at their bank’s head quarters in Mumbai.

He says when the lady, was questioned as to why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied…….

“But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra! Now how could I have left him all alone at home…with the house-maid? ”

Short Jokes

I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.

I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.

I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leopard. They can rub their stumps together.

I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.

My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.”

Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!”

I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won’t trust him to wash it.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If I Lean A Little, Let Me!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said…..
‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.

More Car Insurance Statements
Not only can’t theses people drive, they can’t write either.

• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

“Well, that’s great….that’s just great….Some asshole’s got my pen!”

What Happens When A Fly Falls Into A Coffee Cup?

The Frenchman – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Italian – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

Why

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

An Eighth Grade Education In 1895

Could you pass this???

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?

Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie, Play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: digraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, lingual?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspin Wall, and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!

It All Began With An iPhone…

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her aniRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

Is That Better Then Tomatoes In Agony

This Sounded Like Such A Good Idea At The Time

What, You Didn’t Think Giving It All Away To Charity Was A Good Enough F@*#k You!!!

This Is Either A Really Good Idea, Or A Really Bad One

Is That Leagal?

And You Were Wondering Why You Couldn’t Get Insurance For This Job

It Didn’t Tast Like Chicken Did It?

Trampolines Are Good Exercise For Everyone

When It Absolutely Has To Work

This Is A Lot More Fun Then When We Had Horses!

Don’t Worry Were Video Taping The Whole Thing…We Play It At Parties

An un-romantic comedy

The Joy of Non Sex

This is just plain stupid!

Are You Smarter Than A 5th or 6th Grader?

Some thoughts about science from 5th and 6th grade students:

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.

- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.

- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait here.

While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.

(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!)

Ovarily Yours

Miss PMS

Employment Ads

And what they really mean.

1. Advancement Opportunity – Shit job

2. Entry Level – Really a shit job

3. No Experience Necessary – The mother of all shit jobs

4. Administrative Assistant – Shit job with a title

5. Ground Floor Opportunity – Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

6. Progressive Company – Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

7. Team Player – Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

8. Upbeat Personalities – Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

9. Word Processing Skills Essential – There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

10. Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important – $20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe

11. Pleasant Telephone Manner – Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK

12. Earn Up To $300/Hour – Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK

13. Salary Range $24K to $32K – The Salary is $24K

14. BA Required, MA Preferred – Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Politically Incorrect

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

Overheard a guy in the library today asking for a book on Homosexual Dwarf Sex.

The librarian replied “How can you stoop so low?”

“Thats the one” he replied

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide today. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better!

I spent some time by the wife’s grave today….

She doesn’t know, she thinks I’m digging a pond

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell…’

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” To which she replied “Probably that I married you for your money.”

Honest, officer….I don’t know either of the women…and the midget was on fire when I got here.

I never said it was your fault…I only said I was blaming you for it!

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I am fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity!

Don’t cry over spilled milk. It could have been beer!!

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations.”

But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?

(Obvious answer – They know she is going to have a baby. They suspect it may not be yours.)

Paybacks Are Hell!!!

This letter was sent to the School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fu(k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

G-d bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

Personal Ads

Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, football, and starting fights at three o’clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired man, a troublemaker, gets shit-faced and punches cops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Rednecks: Ya Gotta Luv’em

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till she’s 14.

How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies …..”Go ahead.”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?

A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed when a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?

‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D.? ‘ and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’

Survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Watch What You Say

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

“Well,” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mommy?”

“Oh yes, Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!”

Shakespeare, Updated:

“Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’ Lady.”

“Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?”

“If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?”

“Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?”

“My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.”

“Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.”

“Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?”

“Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”

“Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”

“Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.”

I Don’t Care What The Law Says I Don’t Want To Know

They Mean Parking! Damn You’ve Got A Dirty Mind!

What, I Ment To Do This

I’ve Heard Of Woman Trying To Trap Men But This Is Ridiculous

TIMBUR!!!!!!!!

When’s My Turn!

This Is The Last Time I Date A Woman From Craiglist

I’m Starting To Think This Was A Big Mistake

This Place Has The Best Toppings

You Forgot About Steve Wazniak