Child Star Psychologist With Kiernan Shipka

10 Sentences That Cashiers Hate

1. It didn’t scan so it must be free!
2. Can I speak to the manager?
3. Do you work here?
4. Can you look in the back?
5. How much is this?
6. Are you open?
7. I just made that $100 bill this morning!
8. This other place has that cheaper!
9. I’ll take my business elsewhere.
10. You close at 9? Luckily I got here at 8:58!

Clear Communication Is Important In A Marriage

A man was working in the garden, and his wife was about to take a shower.

He realized he couldn’t find the rake…and yelled up to his wife

“Where is the rake?”.

She couldn’t hear, so she shouted back, “what?”

He pointed to his eye, and then to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife wasn’t sure and said “what?”

He repeated the gestures. “Eye – kneed – The rake”

His wife replied that she understands, and signals back.

She first points to here eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”

She replies: “Eve – Left Tit – Behind – The Bush!”

Day Off

So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!

Punishments Need To Be Tailored To The Kid

My mom is yelling at my brother and I overheard this.

Mom: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Brother: That’ s not fair
Mom: DO AS I SAY!
Brother: You never send Lizzie to her room when she’s in trouble!
Mom: Lizzie never leaves her room. If she were in trouble I’d make her sit in the living room or go outside or talk to human beings.
Me: I CAN HEAR YOU!

I’m Looking For Insults So Intelligent You Don’t Realize You’ve Been Roasted Until 4 Thoughts Later

• As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?
• I wish I lacked common sense, you seem so happy
• I don’t know what’s wrong with you but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
• You state the obvious with such a sense of discovery
• I like how you never let facts get in the way of your opinion
• I admire your courage to speak in the absence of knowledge.
• You’ve mastered the tone of authority without the inconvenience of depth.
• I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
• It’s impossible to underestimate you.
• Between you and me one Of us is smarter than you
• The acoustics in your head must be incredible
• You have the kind of unshakable confidence the usually comes with competence
• As expected by someone who holds a pen with a fist
• Knowing you have the right to vote makes me what to get into politics and change that
• I love how much smarter I feel every time I walk away from a conversation with you
• There is a tree on this planet whose sole purpose is to produce oxygen for you, so go apologize to it.
• I guess common sense isn’t a flower that blooms in every garden
• You might be the only person I’ve ever met that has reached their full potential
• Big Brother would LOVE you
• It’s nice that you’re committed to your level of understanding.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more,’ so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lesser-Known Knights Of The Round Table

• The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
• The knight no one believed: Sir Real
• The knight too big to sit at the table: Sir Round
• The knight who designed the table: Cir Circumference
• The undercover knight: Sur Veillance
• The knight who was never killed in battle: Sir Vivor
• The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed
• The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prize
• The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
• The knight who kept the maps up-to-date: Sur Veyor
• The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
• The knight who performed in three rings. Sir Cus

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: size does matter.

Sincerely, [Your name here]

Smart Replies To Insults

Insult: “You’re not even that smart.”
Reply: “Smart enough to not argue with fools.”

Insult: “You’ve changed.”
Reply. “I evolve. You should try it.”

Insult: “Nobody likes you.”
Reply: “I’m not an app—I don’t need likes.”

Insult: “You think you’re perfect.”
Reply: “No, I just don’t broadcast my flaws like you do.”

Insult: “You talk too much.”
Reply. “And yet you’re still listening.”

Insult: “You’ll never make it.”
Reply: “Watch me—your doubt is my fuel.”

Insult: “You’re so full of yourself.”
Reply: “Better than being full of negativity.”

Insult: “You’re a joke.”
Reply: “And you’re the awkward silence after.”

Insult: “You’re too sensitive.”
Reply: “And you’re too careless. Balance exists.”

Insult: “You’re a nobody.”
Reply: “Yet somehow I’m still on your mind.”

What Do You Think He’s Reaching For

Man in bed with his wife…

Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders…. across her waist… under her neck… below her neck… under her back… & suddenly stops…..

Wife: (In a romantic voice) Why did you stop???

Man: Got the remote… you can go back to sleep

Ok, Maybe Two Things

Someone Who Doesn’t Want The Cops Searching For Evidence

At At Least Make Sure He’s Wearing A Helmet

That’s A Good Rule To Follow

We Believe In You!

Great, Now How Do We Make That Pay?

Yeh, It’s Not Just Him

Fine! For The First Picture You Can Were Whatever You Want

What Did You Think Was Going To Happen

No Man Would Want That

John Candy as Orson Welles on the Billy Crystal Comedy Hour (1982)

Actual Bumper Stickers

• I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
• I don’t care, I don’t have to.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots … I married their king.
• My kid knocked up your honor student.
• Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
• This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted for telepath: you know where to apply
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

A Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep”.

“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”

“OK, why not” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.

Definition Of Words By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Definition Of Bravery:

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask:

“Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?’

Horror Movie Wisdom

1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it’s unlikely they’ll die easy, so be prepared.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.

6. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If you’re running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.

8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you’ll never have to reload).

14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

16. If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

17. If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.

Gossip Backlash

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

How To Speak Midwestern

No yeah = Yes
Yeah no = No
Yeah no for sure = Definitely
No yeah no = Oh no. You’re fine
Yeah no yeah = I’m sorry. But unfortunately. The answer is yes

It’s Both Sad And Not Wrong

In high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was.

We guessed the AP chem teacher, the pre-calc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc.

He goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodge ball all day.

The Official Male Code Of Conduct

1. Beer and pizza/BBQ is acceptable payment for helping another man work on his house or vehicle.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem-you didn’t see nothin’.

Thanks For Sharing Way Too Much

The best email signature I’ve ever seen:

“It is normal for me to take 2 days to read my emails and 2 more days to reflect on the matter and respond calmly. The culture of immediacy and the constant fragmentation of time are not very compatible with the kind of life I lead.”

Congratulations, You Just Gave Them A New Core Memory!

Only If Your Definition Of Success Is People Leaving You Alone

And You Thought Your Job Was Meaningless

How To Be A Schmuck

I Hate Sarcastic Computers

So Let Us Punish It For You

I Knew You Were Cheating On Me!

Now There’s A Way To Stop Speeders

Help The Robots Are Taking Over!!!

What Do You Mean No Foul?

Irish People On The First Day of Summer

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Bring It On Devil

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.”

I whispered back, “At least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.”

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.

Chucklefuck

The word of the day is:

CHUCKLEFUcK (n.)

A special breed of dipshit who is entirely too happy with his own stupidity. It is the man who interrupts you with a maniacal smirk, entirely convinced he is about to drop a masterclass in logic, only to confidently unleash a stream of pure, Homer Simpson level bullshit. He isn’t just wrong; he is actively delighted about how wrong he is, giggling through his own nonsense while the entire room suffers from severe secondhand embarrassment.

Pro’s & Con’s

What are the pros and cons of having big boobs and what are the pros and cons of having small boobs?

I have big boobs myself and here are the pros and cons of having big boobs

Pros
— Many people find big boobs attractive. I always get stares in public because of them which I find very flattering.
— They’re fun to play with
— I make many women jealous because my boobs are bigger than theirs.

Cons
— They hurt my back
— They get in the way
— I have to buy baggier t-shirts
— They’re just annoying sometimes
— And I’m a dude

Moral Of The Story, Know When To Shut Up

Last night my wife asked me if I would still love her if she gained fifty pounds.

Brothers… every husband knows that’s not a question. That’s a surprise inspection. I immediately said, ‘Of course I would.’

She smiled and asked, ‘Why?

I said, ‘Because I love you for who you are.’

She smiled even more. Then I got confident and added, “Besides, fifty pounds isn’t that much.’

Brothers…the smile disappeared so fast I thought I witnessed a magic trick. Suddenly I was explaining math, apologizing for math, and regretting math.

Rules For Cats

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to vomit, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When vomit on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”. The following are the rules for “helping”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim – to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love that.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner’s sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it’s time to sharpen your nails.
5: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can’t blame you for this, since it’s your feline instinct to chase mice.

Not Too Sweet?

I went to my nearby pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist on duty.

As I waited, I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

You Might Be A Redneck if…

• You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
• You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
• Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
• You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Yeh, That’s What It’s Like

Student Teacher: So, what’s it like having your own class?

Teacher: Have you ever cooked a meal for 25 people, but everyone has dietary restrictions or preferences, and you have to make sure the meal is nutritious and delicious-but also beautifully plated and served on time? Also, everyone wants to help but also get in your way and make everything much, much harder, all while a committee tells you how to prepare this meal and sends in a meal prep expert (who has never cooked in their life) to critique your technique?

Lets Hear It For Cannibalism

Please Tell Me I Don’t Need A Prescription For These

No I’m Not Overcompensating For Anything

The Really Sad Part Is That We Make Them Buy Their Own

And You Thought It Was Just Humans

If Recipes Were Honest

I Always Wondered How You Were Supposed To Figure Those Out

Talk About A Smart Collaboration

For When Your Geek Girl Is Still Into Barbies

One Of Hardest Decisions I’ve Ever Had To Make

How To Hide A Body In A Theme Park

Best Lines From Louis C.K.

• “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
• “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”
• I’ve never gotten laid cause of the way I look. I’m the guy that women see and go… “Eh?” and I’m like, “I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute.”
• “Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.”
• “There are two types of people in this world; people who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fu(king liars.”
• “I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them”
• “I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know. Something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’ that’ll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Then when he gets out of hand, I get to go ‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Please!”‘
• “Fu(k it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.”
• “Self-love is a good thing, but self-awareness is more important. You need to, once in a while go, ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’”
• “Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy. It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become.”
• “What happens after you die?” “Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”
• “The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they’d be assholes too. It’s just circumstantial. It’s what you’re called on to do that thing that makes you great. We haven’t been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.”
• “I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.”
• “I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don’t live that long. It doesn’t matter. ”
• “Misery is wasted on the miserable.”
• “You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.”
• “Everything is funny except your death, but other people will laugh.”
• “Now, if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole.”
• “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.”
• “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

I Don’t Accept Your Rejection

Dear Hiring Team,

Thank you for your interest in rejecting my application.

I have reviewed your rejection email and was impressed by your decision-making process and commitment to moving forward with other candidates.

However. I have received many rejection emails this year. Therefore, after careful consideration, I have decided not to accept your rejection at this time.

Once again, I appreciate your courage to reject me and wish you every success in rejecting other candidates.

I look forward to joining the team soon.

Best regards.

Demotivational Quotes That Are Kinda Motivational?

• This too shall pass. And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never fucking ends.
• Have a meltdown. As a treat.
• Just be yourself. But not your real self. No one wants to see that shit.
• The only person I can truly rely on is me. I am so fu(ked.
• Be proud of how far you have come. Especially considering what a piece of shit you used to be.
• It’s never too late to change. So just wait until you absolutely have to.
• Don’t. Give Up.
• You are not alone. People are literally everywhere. With their stupid problems and shitty attitudes. You only wish you were alone.
• Stop trying so hard. You look desperate.
• This to shall pass. And so will you.
• Today I am taking Control of my emotions. I am choosing anger.
• Everything is going to be okay. Eventually you’ll be dead and won’t have to deal with any of this shit.
• You matter. Just not that much.
• Stop wondering if you’re good enough. You’re not.
• The only person you can truly rely on is you. What a fu(king nightmare.
• Every morning I wake up I tell myself the same thing: Guess I have to keep doing this shit.
• You matter. To maybe a handful of people. And they’re probably just being nice, or they need you for something.
• It’s always a good time for a depression nap.
• Just be yourself. But less you. Diet You.
• Only you have the power to change your life. Which is truly unfortunate.
• Everything is going to be okay. Just not for you.
• You are someone’s biggest regret. At least your going to be remembered.
• Things didn’t work out for a reason. You. The reason was you.
• You will get through this, I promise you. Eventually you’ll just die.
• Never underestimate your ability to completely fu(k things up.
• You never know what the future holds. But I’ll face it just like I face most days: With crippling anxiety.
• No one is coming to save you. You are the adult. I am so sorry.

It Wasn’t His Fault

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

His wife asked him, “What happened to you?”

“I’ve had a terrible day!” says Bob. I had to go a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said that they couldn’t get him into a body bag, because he had a huge erection!”

“Anyway, I went up, and sure enough there was this big naked man, lying on the bed with a huge erection! So, I grabbed his erection with both hands and tried to bend it in half!”

“I see!” said the wife, “That must have been terrible! But how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, “Wrong room!”

Now That I’m Older, Here’s What I’ve Discovered

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the tree.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

Realizing in 20 years I’ll probably hear some boomer say stuff like:

“NO SON OF MINE IS MARRYING AN AI CHATBOT, MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN TWO HUMANS ONLY!”

And the kids will be like “OMG dad you’re robophobic!”

Top Ten Reasons Why It Costs More To Get Your Pet Groomed Than Your Own Hair Cut

10.Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end.
9. You don’t go eight weeks without washing or brushing your hair.
8. Your hairdresser doesn’t give you a sanitary trim.
7. Your hairdresser doesn’t clean your ears.
6. Your hairdresser doesn’t remove the boogies from your eyes.
5. You sit still for your hairdresser.
4. Your haircut doesn’t include a manicure or pedicure.
3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.
2. You don’t bite or scratch your hairdresser.
1. The likelihood of you pooping on the hairdresser is pretty slim.

What The Hell Happened?

One minute you’re 21, staying up all night drinking beer, eating pizza and doing sketchy stuff just for fun.

Then

In blink of an eye, you’re 60, drinking water, eating kale and you can’t do any sketchy stuff, because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

What I Want In A Man!

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Who’s The Real Asshole Here

PETER PAN: We meet again, Captain Hook.

CAPTAIN HOOK: Well, well, well, …wait you guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: Yeah.

CAPTAIN HOOK: Because of the hand?

PETER PAN: I’m sorr…

CAPTAIN HOOK: Wow ok, hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad.

Bet You Didn’t See This One Did You?

Just The Thing For The Red Neck That Has Everything

I Still Have Burn Marks On My Tongue

Where Else Would You Use Them?

Hey Boss, We May Have Made A Little Mistake

For People Who Hate To Sleep

The Dark One Will Thank Us!

Your Going To Washington This Year!

Some Men Just Get It

That Ones 18 Years…And Then Some

What The Hell Is That? – SNL

Admit It You’ve Done One Of These

1) Walked into a room, forgot what you needed, walked out, and then remembered.
2) When you were younger, drew the sun in the corner of the paper
3) When you Were Little, thought the shape of a real heart was actually “❤”
4) Closed the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off.
5) Tried to balance the light , between the ON & OFF

A Marine’s Love Letter

A Marine stationed overseas received a “Dear John”
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

And God Created Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created tuna, mice, and all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the ball of yarn, the feather thingie on a string, and the catnip mouse so that the cat might or might not be amused.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but the cat woke him up at 5:00 AM.

At Least Some Of Them Are Good

Do you ever look at all your kids and think…
That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
That one will be paying for it.
That one will visit me the most.
And that one he’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.

Evening Classes For Men

Starting next month.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Power Point presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!

Ordering A Modern Day Pizza

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. McNaughton. I see you live on Glenforest St., and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is douglasmcn@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’! d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Senior Dating In Florida

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear about anyone retiring and moving up north.

These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty in her 80’s.
I’m slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt, a plus.
—————————————————-
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband.
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
—————————————————-
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
And A favorite

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: size does matter.

Sincerely, [Your name here]

Telemarketing Repellent

1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Ken, playing a joke. “Come on, Ken, cut it out! Seriously, Ken, how’s your mom?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.

What Does “AH” Stand For?

A Motorcycle officer stopped a motor a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?”.

The officer calmly told him of his violation.

The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.

The officer took it in stride saying nothing. When, he finished writing the citation he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.

The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.

The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an asshole!” and returned to his cruiser.

The violator’s bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hotshot attorney to represent him.

The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make.”

“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH’”.

What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer? Aggressive and hostile sir”.

“Aggressive and hostile”

“Yes, sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”

The officer grinned, “Well sir, you know your client better than I!”

I Don’t Know, She Makes Me Shut My Eyes

We All Join That Gang Eventually

Almost Makes Me Want To Move

Oh Please, It Was Probably The Only Time Anyone Ever Looked At Them

Modern Relationships

Why Aren’t Any Of These Places Near Me?

The Stupid Human Suspects Nothing

He’s Your Son, What Did You Expect?

Yep, That’s Pretty Much How It Is

For The Record It’s Not Just Mom’s Dad’s Have To Put Up With This Crap Too

Philomena Cunk on Charity

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Age Difference

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

“You grew up in a different world,” the student said, loud enough for everyone around them to hear. “Today we have television, satellite positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men have walked on the moon; our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high-speed processing.”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have these things when we were young, so we invented them, you little twit. What are you doing for the next generation?”

Things That Just Don’t Make Sense

• If you fail a test… didn’t your teacher fail to teach you?
• When you fall during a push-up but use your arms to get back up… wasn’t that… a push-up??
• When a cop asks “How fast were you going?” shouldn’t the answer be “Not fast enough clearly”?
• You can never buy an unused mirror.
• If Cinderella’s shoe fell off, how did if “fit perfectly”?
• Bigger bed = more bed room but less bedroom.
• If you’re invisible and close your eyes. Can you still see??
• Your car keys technically travel farther than your car.
• Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
• If your thumb “isn’t a finger,” then you don’t have a middle finger.
• Why is a building called a building if it’s already built?

Boot Camp

A Letter From A Red Neck, Now At Paris Island

Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically do nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again! It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none at all.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Things To Do In An Office Meeting

1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, now I get it!”

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don’t want to catch what I’ve got!”

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them “doctor’s orders.”

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she “not hurt you anymore.”

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can’t help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it’s to “prevent the seizures.”

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say “It’s pitiful. But what can you do?”

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you “so you can hear better.” Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that “my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.” Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody “My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.”

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: “Just in case.”

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker’s. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)

Letter Of Recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING…

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

What They Both Want & When

It’s proven that women’s preferences change:
At 20, they want a handsome man.
At 25, they want a successful man.
At 30, they want a wealthy man.
At 40, they want a strong man.
At 50, they want a faithful man.

Men’s thinking is simple and doesn’t change:
At 20, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 25, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 30, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 40, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 50, they still want a young, beautiful girl.

Conclusion: Men are consistent and stick to their preference.

Navajo Message To The Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

You Might Be A Redneck if…

• You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
• You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
• Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
• You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

What Did He Think She Was Going To Say

I forgot to zip up my trousers, so a lady told me politely, “Sir, your garage is open”

I gave her naughty smile as I zip up and asked, “Did you see me RANGE ROVER parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said, “No just one small TOYOTA with two Flat tires.”

I’m still crying

So, Does This Actually Change Anything?

Let Me Guess, You Have Big Brothers

If They Could, They Would

Well How Did You Think He Got Elected

For Beer And Shark Meat

Um, Professor, You Know We Already Have Pictures Of Those In The Textbook, Right?

The Best Part Of Adulthood

Oldies My Geriatric Ass!!!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Something To Remember Her By

Future News – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In’s 1973

More Family Rules

1. When all kids are playing together, at least 1 or more children must cry while seeking a parent within 5 minutes of commencing playtime.
2. Potty training boys is an outdoor activity
3. When leaving the house, at least one child must not know the location of one or both of their shoes.
4. Only like a snack until mom buys it in bulk from Costco, then never eat it again.
5. When Mom is in the shower, and Dad is downstairs, and a kid needs something, they MUST walk up two sets of stairs (skipping dad entirely), walk into the bathroom without knocking and asking mom to help right away.
6. Kids must ignore their parent until the parent starts yelling. It’s tough because sometimes you have to wait until the parent has repeated themselves as many as 5 times, but don’t give in. Wait until they yell. Then yell back in confusion, “WHAT??”
7. Kids are not allowed to all be healthy at the same time. If an illness runs three days in the first kid, the second kid must wait until day three to come down with it, Dad on day 7 (and his will run 17,000 days), kid four on day 9. Mom will also get sick but must power through.
8. No game should be stored with all the pieces intact. There should be a waiting area for these extra pieces but which ever game you want to play at that time the piece must not be in the waiting area.
9. Everyone must want the same plate on the same day.
10. Nobody is allowed to like the same movie at the same time.
11. Lights may only be turned off by Mom.
12. Only Mom may notice when the drinks are running low in the fridge and restock them.
13. Children may only ask deep meaningful questions at bedtime or when they’re in the car on the freeway.
14. You may not take your left sock off in the same place you take off your right sock. And they must be inside out.
15. Cup holders are mini trash cans that magically empty themselves.
16. The word bedtime is actually a code word for “you are hungry and must eat now”!

Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.

He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, more than words could ever do justice…”

At this point, he seemed to struggle for words, and after a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”

Small Ways To Feel Happy

1. Hug a friend
2. Eat a cookie
3. Light a baseball bat on fire & swing it around in your backyard while listening to AC/DC
4. Look at a penguin
5. Pet an egg
6. Put on a crown and command your mother to do a funny dance
7. Pull off the perfect jewel heist
8. Wrestle a neighbor
9. Outwit an enemy
10. Walk into the ocean and just let the current take you

I Want A Divorce!

A young man from a prominent family was being divorced by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. “The good news is that she isn’t asking for any share of your future inheritance.”

“Great!” said the young man. “What’s the bad news?”

“Well,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”

Spring Cleaning Checklist

• Vacuum floors
• Wash baseboards
• Scream cathartically into the void
• Wipe doorknobs
• De-rust dungeon chains
• Blow dust off an ancient spell book and recite the cryptic incantations of your choosing
• Sweep the panic chamber
• FEED THE BASILISK
• Shed your human disguise and bathe the glistening exoskeleton hidden within

The Plan

An oldie, but still insightful in its truth.

In the beginning there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went unto their Resident Engineers and said, a bit more diplomatically, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Resident Engineers went unto their Assistant Division Engineers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the Assistant Division Engineers went unto their Division Engineers, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Division Engineers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Division Engineers went unto the Construction Engineer, saying, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Construction Engineer went to the Director, saying, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the Director looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, And the plan became policy.

And that my friends, is how “Shit Happens”.

Summer Checklist

• Relax by the pool
• Go on a road trip
• Eat a bug
• Just stop going into work
• Explore a haunted cave
• Get an early start on your taxes
• Steal a police officer’s hat
• Fall asleep in a dumpster
• Cry
• Try cocaine
• Whisper your secrets to a frog
• Discover Atlantis
• Fake your death and assume a new identity

The Word Of The Day Is:

Cock-tastrophe (n)

The inevitable, flaming car crash that occurs when an overstimulated Motherfucker with the IQ of a wet wash rag decides he is the smartest person in the room. It’s that pinpoint second when unearned confidence hits a brick wall of reality at 100mph.

The Cock-tastrophist is a delusional dipshit who spends 10% of their time “working” and 90% of their time jerking themselves off over their own “brilliance,” only to leave a trail of smoldering wreckage that requires a forensic team and a priest to fix.

The Funniest Workplace Nicknames

• Newspaper: Has a new issue every day.
• Olympic Flame: They never go out.
• Sensor Light: Gets activated when someone walks past.
• Bluetooth: Only works when paired.
• Ninja Turtle: Turtle to work, Ninja to home.
• 404: can’t be found.
• Storm Trooper: Always missing.
• Wikipedia: Full of information, but you can’t be sure it’s true.
• Blister: Shows up after the hard work is done.
• Broken Arrow: Doesn’t work and can’t be fired.
• Credit Card: Always takes credit for everyone else’s work.
• Teflon: No matter how many times you tell them, nothing sticks.
• Speed Bump: Always slowing everyone down.
• Lava Lamp: Looks good but not very bright.
• Levi’s: Always disappears at 5:01.
• Alexa: Only works when asked.
• Daisy: Some daisy’s in, some daisy’s out.
• Wheelbarrow: Only works when pushed.
• Pothole: Everyone tries to avoid them.

Why It’s Important To Drink

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’

I Learned This In Karate Class…That You Paid For

Why No, I Wouldn’t Say That Was Passive Aggressive At All

Just In Case You Needed A Sign To Remind You . . . Which Apparently A Few People Did

Seriously, Who Approves This Stuff?

Because It Was A Slow Day And His Break Light Was Out

And That’s How She Met Her Husband

Yep, Me To

What Did He Have To Give Up For Her To Say Yes To This?

Taco Bell Comes To Bangladesh

Their Rovers Are Just Cooler

I honor of Teacher Appreciation Week

Cool Teacher vs. Class Clown – Key & Peele

You’re A Teacher If…

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

All Teachers Have To Learn To Do This

I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said “She called me the b-word.”

When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherfu(ker doesn’t start with a b.”

I managed to turn my laugh into a cough, but yeah no more recess for her that day.

Students Exam Papers

The following real-life answers to various exam papers explain why teachers need long holidays.

• What is a nitrate?: Cheaper than a day rate.
• What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.
• What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?: Unusual names.
• Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements: Learning to speak Latin.
• Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?: Two polar bears. Four seals.
• How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?: It doesn’t. it’s just self, self, self, all the way
• through.
• Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld: Mrs. Orpheus.
• Where was the American Declaration Of Independence signed?: At the bottom.
• What happens during puberty to a boy?: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.
• What is the meaning of the word varicose?: Close by.
• What is a fibula?: A little lie.
• What is a vibration?: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.
• Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?: Around Hadrian’s garden.
• The race of people known as Malays come from which country?: Malaria.

Little Eddy’s Test

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Eddy: “Pants”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Traditional Anniversary Gifts

If you want to get divorced

1st year Glowing amulet
2nd year Wailing skull
3rd year A mysterious orb that grants wishes, but for each wish granted it takes a human life.
4th year 1,OOO lizards
5th year The head of a shared enemy
6th year A flock of ravens that ominously encircles overhead and obeys voice commands
7th year Hot Topic Gift Card
8th year Enchanted dagger
9th year The stolen hopes & dreams of a small child
10th year 200 gallons of potato salad

Teaching 5 Year Olds To Read

From a teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, ‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’

I took a deep breath , then asked…’What did you call it?’

‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’

And so it does…

‘African Elephant’

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

More Sarcastic Quotes

1. “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Sir Winston Churchill
2. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.”
3. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
4. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
5. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
6. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
7. “So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”
8. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
9. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.”
10. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
11. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
12. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
13. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
14. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
15. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”
16. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” – Rodney Dangerfield
17. “People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”

Well You Have To Make Sure Their Healthy First

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Best Ways To Die

1. Exploring an ancient tomb
2. Smothered by pandas
3. Valiantly, while thrusting a sword into the heart of an alien queen
4. Cupcake overdose
5. Triple backflip into a volcano
6. At a waterpark so your ghost has a fun place to hang out for eternity
7. Blimp accident
8. Shot out of cannon
9. Outsmarted by a team of velociraptors

Taxi Ride

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.”

Sometimes You Just Need The Right Ambiance

The One On The Left Is Brand New

Hey, It Was All For Science

This Should Be A Poster In Every Chemistry Class

Do You Really Want Me To Explain This Again?

Why You Should Always Check Your Child’s Homework

Yep, That’s Gym Class

It’s The Latest Thing

They Don’t Make Them Like That Anymore

You Thought He Was Kidding Didn’t You

Good Morning Meth – SNL

More Things That Made My Toddler Cry This Week:

- only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
- I wouldn’t serve her hot ice cream
- her shadow is copying her
- doesn’t want to have bones anymore

Are You Sure You Know How To Do This?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

One Of The Most Versatile Words In The English Language

Sexual: Let’s fuck.
Mischief: Let’s fuck with them.
Aggression: Let’s fuck them up.
Anger: fuck you.
Regret: fuck me!
Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
Surprise: Holy fuck!
Puzzlement: What the fuck?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Fraud: I got fucked over.
Identification: Who the fuck are you?
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Compliment: She’s so fucking beautiful.
Confusion: Where the fuck are we?
Wonder: What the fuck is that?
Amazement: How the fuck did he do that?
Threat: Don’t fuck with me!
Realization: I fucking knew it!

Damn Women Drivers

This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my shaver, . . . . . .which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!!

Seniors Texting Code

ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG: Oh My! sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On floor Laughing And Cant Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

Diaper Names Logic

Where marketing meets reality!

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well, here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest our mind.

W.C. Fields

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday”.
“Start every day with a smile, and get it over with”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it”.
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted”.
“Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people”.
“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast”.
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol”.
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to”.
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep”.
“Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.”

Hell Hath No Fury Then A Woman Scorned . . . Remember That Guys

A woman came home early to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to…cut it off are you?!”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Weird State Laws

MASSACHUSSETTS – At a wake, you’re only allowed to eat up to three sandwiches. Yep… that’s the limit.

MICHIGAN – A woman technically can’t cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Sounds wild, right?

MISSISSIPPI – It’s illegal to explain what polygamy means to someone. Like… seriously?

MONTANA – You can’t have a sheep riding in your truck cab unless it has a “chaperone.” No joke.

NEBRASKA – Bars aren’t allowed to sell beer unless they’re also cooking a pot of soup at the same time.

DELAWARE – Getting married on a dare? Yeah, that’s actually illegal.

The Soldier, The Judge, And The Politician

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, quietly, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, a bit out of his element. “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three main styles of bras to choose from.” Said the saleslady. “The soldier, the judge or the politician. Which would you prefer?”

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, “Well it’s quite simple. The soldier defends strategic locations from foreign hands, the judge makes sure everything is equal and balanced, and the politician blows everything out of proportion.”

I Don’t Think This Means What You Think It Means . . . I Hope

Then Don’t Sell Guns To Idiots

Don’t Mess With The Bear

So That’s What This Sign Means

But Did He Win?

Who Approved This?

OUCH!

This Won’t Hurt A Bit

I Wonder What Would Work To Get That Job

But Just Be Yourself

The Conjugal Rights Guide

How Does Scooby Doo And The Gang Have Enough Money To Travel The World And Solve Mysteries For Free?

The Asshole Answer: It’s a cartoon, dumbass.
The Perverted Answer: Velma and Daphne are call girls.
The Stoner Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Cynical Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Optimistic Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Businessman Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Practical Answer: The gang probably charges for their services.
The Real Answer: Shaggy is definitely a pot dealer.

My Vote: Daphne’s parents are also rich, but still, definitely a pot dealer.

George Carlin On The 10 Commandments

Transcript from his HBO special “Complaints and Grievances”

Here is my problem with the ten commandments, why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this, when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why, because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY G OD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY G OD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior, dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is, coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now, the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

&

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN THAN YOU.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF.

Great Signs

A sign in a shoe repair store:
“We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!”

At an Eye Clinic:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Attack Chihuahua

So, the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua.

The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua! ” The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!” She pointed
to a table, and again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry. “Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

Mom’s Favorite Sayings

1. What part of no don ‘t you understand?
2. I don’t care who started it!
3. Money doesn’t grow on trees.
4. Your face is going to freeze like that.
5. Your hands are not broken.
6. Beds are made for sleeping, not jumping.
7. No one said life is fair.
8. Eat your vegetables.
9. I don’t know is NOT an answer.
10. Because I said so… That’s Why!

New Virus

FYI…

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.

Top EMT Quotes That Sound Dirty

1. Put some KY on it, it will go in easier
2. Let’s put a little fluid in her
3. She responds to painful stimulation
4. Just relax and let us do the work
5. She can take an oral
6. I’m sorry it’s so hard, I’ll get you off when I can
7. Hold her head so I can put it in her mouth
8. You’re going to feel a tinny prick
9. Lay right there & do exactly what I tell you

The Golden Years

Leaving the Store, I couldn’t find my Keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my tum to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

More Thoughts During Work

• I hate you.
• And you.
• Yeah, you too
• Shut up.
• I don’t care
• You are stupid
• Why am I still here?
• Walk faster, idiot.
• You talk too much.
• Ugh, shut up.
• Can’t I be excised for my Whole life?
• I’m hungry.
• I need sleep.

What Do I Look Like?

Wife: Honey, can you please help me clean the garden?
Husband: Do I look like a gardener?
Wife: Sorry honey, OK then fix the bathroom door.
Husband: Do I look like a carpenter? Then the husband walks out.
After coming from where he went, he found the garden clean and the door fixed
Husband: I didn’t know you could do this all by yourself.
Wife: Not Me
Husband: Who then?
Wife: John, Our neighbor
Husband: How much did you pay him?
Wife: No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or sex
Husband: Hope you gave him bread
Wife: Do I look like baker?
Husband fainted

Isn’t It Great To Be Wanted

What, I Figured It Would Save Some Time

And That’s Why No Ice Cream Company Is Really Called That

Try It And Find Out

What Do You Expect, The Show Got Cancelled

No I Don’t Mind Pissing Off A Lot Of Cops. Why Do You Ask?

I Think You Need A Job Where You Can Work From Home

Good Advice

All Too Familiar

That’s Why You Should Never Tell You Father About Your Boyfriends