The Ballad of Beaker – The Muppets

Six Golden Rules For F***ing

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; drink more liquids.
5. When F***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level

So, remember “FASTING” is good for your health
What did you think I was talking about?

Big Mistake

A man is brought in by paramedics to a busy New York emergency room. He has a heavy concussion, a split lip, two black eyes, and a twisted five-iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor brings him around and asks what happened.

The man gathers himself and says, “Well, it was like this. I was having a peaceful round of golf with my wife when, on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went looking for them, and while I was searching, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

So, I walked over, lifted the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“Big mistake?” the doctor asks. “What did you do?”

“Well,” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled over to my wife, ‘Hey, honey… this looks like yours!’”

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ….same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’. Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where’?

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! And sometimes were related

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’

They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all

THEY VOTE

This explains a lot.

How Many Different Kinds?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In he 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears. still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Types Of Shits

Dogshit = Very poor quality
Bullshit = Not true
Horseshit = Nonsense
Apeshit = Rambunctious
Batshit = Insane
Chickenshit = Cowards
Ratshit = Poor quality
No Shit = Obviously
Holy Shit = Mind blowing
Hot Shit = Very good
Dip Shit = A total dumbass
Tuff Shit = Take it or leave it
Jack Shit = Nothing
The Shit = Perfection
Shiiit = Expression of extreme disbelief

Mother In Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say “Yes, it was.” The men would then ask, “Can I borrow that mule?” and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

Wit And Wisdom Of Whoever

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

Well How Did You Think He Got The Job

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself. “Do not be frightened,” said Satan. “l have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return
for just one small favor: half of your ability to hear.”

The priest was stunned. “Let me think about it for a few days.” The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. “Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!” He told over his strange encounter.

The bishop was shocked. “A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!” But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. “Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!” He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. “Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!” But the priest wasn’t convinced.

He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he’d receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. “Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!” “Sorry,” said the Pope, “could you speak a little louder?”

You Know Your In Big Trouble At Work When…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who?” to anyone calling for me.

What Did You Treat His Cough With?

A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ he asks his assistant.

‘He came in for some cough syrup,’ the assistant explains. ‘But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.’

‘What!’ the chemist says, horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’

‘Of course you can,’ the assistant declares. ‘Look at him, he’s far too scared to cough.’

And Last

It’s Coming Sooner Then You Think

That Was Nice Of Her

So What Did You Use Back In The Old Days Dad?

Why Didn’t They Teach This In School

Now I’m Protected!

How Bad Is Your Job?

Is This An Instructional Game?

The Wine Finally Makes It Taste Good

Looks Pretty Accurate

Racist Workout – Awkward Puppets

Equal But Not The Same

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Now That’s Pretty Old

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, ‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’

‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’

His friend says. Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’

‘A witch ??.. why the hell would you say that?’

‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’

Medical Truths

• The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
• You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
• When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end …
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

Well How Long Did You Expect Her To Last

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a little old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

She said, “I smoke ten cigars a day. Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills and have sex. And I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty”, she replied.

New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys

• 370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
• 370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
• 370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
• 370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
• 370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
• 370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
• 370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
• 370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
• 370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
• 370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort teasers, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
• ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

What’s Wrong With That Genie

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says, “I’m sure it’s none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?”

The guy says, “There’s a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he’s still there if you hurry.”

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus.

The bartender says, “You didn’t tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The guy says, “Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?”

Tips For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

You Have To Live Anywhere Other Then The United States To Fully Get This Joke

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member come with you?”

The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Damn, Those Little Pushers Are Back!

The Kids First Use Of Plausible Deniability

Why Didn’t Someone Invent This A Long Time Ago?

Son, Maybe You Should Consider Divorce?

I Need That Upgrade

Not Drunk Just Stupid

He Didn’t Know One Of Her Friends Was A Math Major

BTW Your Fired

We Cater To Everyone

Yep, That’s What They Would Have Said

What Moms Want For Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

The evening of Valentine’s Day. A man comes to a drug store:
- Good evening!
- Sorry, we are sold out…

A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
- What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?
- Well, I don’t know, – she answers shyly.
- OK, that I give you another year to think about it…

How do you wish Happy Valentine’s Day for a single?
Happy Independence Day

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

What’s the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

I’m gonna spend Valentines day with my ex…… box 360

I can’t wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

Valentines day….. A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk.

That awkward moment when valentines day is around the corner, and the only person that loves you is your mom.

Dear Ex-Valentine

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,

I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.

– Your Ex

Redneck Valentines

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Yipeeee….Yee Ha!

Apples And Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy……

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And… Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class,
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I’m fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

3. You’re a honey, and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess?!”

Children’s Books You Wish You Will Never See:

“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say, Because I Said So”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

Now That I Have Kids, I Realize They Weren’t Wrong, We Are

Today’s Kids: “Shut up mom! And get out of my room and close my door!”
Today’s Moms: “Okay I’m sorry I won’t do it again!”

Me back in the day: “Shut up momma!”
Me: “Where am I”
Doctor: “You are in the hospital! You’ve been in surgery over 5 hours! It took us that long to remove your mother’s foot from your Ass!”

Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…

“I finished the Oreo’s.”
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream.”
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Got milk?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
“Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!”
“You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

Yes, It Has Come To This

Shane, 35

Seeks hostile woman for unfulfilling sex, future divorce, and co-dependency. Looking for a whiny, crazy lady with misplaced sense of entitlement and lots of expectations.

Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take it slow with me. I’d be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.

The Perfect Self Valentine Gift

Lonely Valentine

If You Find A Woman Who Wants This More Then Chocolate, Mary Her

Valentines Day Harts From Men’s Nightmares

I Guess She Didn’t Want All The Tattoos Removed

Who Says Kids Don’t Tell The Truth

Chris Is Just Sick

Too Realistic For Kids To Play With

Ahh, The Good Old Days

I Can’t Wait To Have Some Of My Own

Sesame Street: The Dark Turn

Addicted to Your Cell Phone?

Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.

1. Do parts of your body tingle when your phones on vibrate?
2. Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
5. When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?
8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?

How Many Women Can a Man Marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ’4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’”

New Barbie Dolls

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

My Goldfish Died

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“Well, my goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Residents

Due to the recent actions of a specific tenant, we have been forced to update our community rules. Please find these new rules below:

1. No trash bags placed outside your door.
2. No loud music after 10 p.m.
3. No yodeling at any time.
4. Do not feed the squirrels nachos.
S. Do change the sign for the Fitness Center so it reads “Fatness Center”.
6. Do not pull out Yu-Gi-Oh cards and threaten to send residents to “The Shadow Realm”.
7. Do not climb other people’s balconies while drunkenly yelling, “I AM SPIDER-MAN”.
8. NO ZIPLINES.
9. Do place rent checks in a bear trap outside of rental office.
10. Do make rent cheeks out to “You Greedy Mother Fuckers!”
11. DO NOT YELL AT THE MOON.
12. Do not enter the laundry in a mask and attempt to wrestle other residents.
13. No trick-or-treating unless you are a kid and it is Halloween.
14. Do not yell “Order Up’” and throw dogs at people they walk past your window.
15. Do attach basketball hoops to residents’ doors, knock, and then “dunk on them” when they answer.

Moving forward, failure to abide by these rules will be grounds for eviction.

Thank you.
Management

New Family Driver

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Things You Can Say About Your Car But Not About Your Spouse

“She’s getting really high mileage”.
“I’m going to trade her in for a younger model”.
“The front end is making a weird noise”.
“She shakes too much when I get her going fast”.
“It’s too expensive to keep her running”.
“I need to wash her, she’s filthy”.
“I think I’ll let my friend take her for a spin”.
“She runs better with premium fuel”.
” I think everyone should take her for a ride”.
” How many of us do you think would fit in there?”.
” I wish she had more room in her trunk, she can only take so much”.
” She makes wheezing, rattling noises, so I figure I’ll have to trade her in”.
” She needs a lube job in the worst way”.
” She’s been ridden for too many miles, by too many people to be really reliable”.
” She’s too expensive to maintain”.
” If I have to have her checked out by a specialist one more time, I’m getting a newer model”.
” Ok, so she’s a little old, and getting uglier by the day, but she gets me there every time…that’s what really counts, right?”

The TRUE ending to “The Empire Strikes Back”:

A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true…and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

True Medical Definitions . . . Sort Of

Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Enema: Not a friend
Artery: The study of paintings
Terminal Illness: Getting Sick at the airport
Dilate: To live a long time
Out-patient: A person who has fainted
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Fibula: A small lie
Node: I knew it
Caesarian Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Wife’s Final Words

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife’s side. ”Sleep now, its all right,” he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ”Honey, I really need to tell you something.”
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

”Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.”

”Don’t worry about it,” Jake said, ”I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

It’s About Damn Time!

Well I Haven’t Gotten Shot Yet Your Shift Ain’t Over Yet

They Just Said We Shouldn’t Eat Our Own Hair

CYBER Bullying! Not Cool, Apple, Not Cool!

So It’s Not Our Fault, Sincerely The Airlines

I Wish I Had Thought Of That

Only In America . . . We Hope

No, That’s Not Honey

Don’t Freak, I Promise You He’s Ok

You Had To Know That Was Going To Happen Sooner Or Later

Star Wars But It’s Ruined By AI

30 Fun Things To Do While Driving…

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

A Normal Day At A Walmart

Charlotte NC – A Walmart trip turned into a full-contact sporting event yesterday when two Charlotte women got into a scuffle in the ladies’ underwear department over a single discounted bra.

According to witnesses, the $6.99 “Comfort Lift Deluxe” was the last one on the rack, prompting what one bystander described as “The fastest grab I’ve ever seen outside a Black Friday TV sale.” The women both determined to claim the deal, allegedly exchanged heated words before the argument escalated into a tug-of-war worthy of ESPN coverage.

Police arrived to find the bra stretched beyond recognition and both women out of breath. One of them, identified as 51-year-old Marsha Cole, was arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to calm down and insisting the bra “was practically in her hand first.”

The bra, sadly, did not survive. Walmart has no plans to restock.

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)
5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Bubba’s Three Daughters

Bubba had three daughters. One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, “Hi, my name is Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to see a show. Can she go?”

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, “Hi, my name is Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, “Hi, My name is Chuck.” With that, Bubba shot him.

Letters Of Recommendation

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: “In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept: “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: “I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Customer Service

This is a true story from the Microsoft help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Microsoft employee was fired however; he is currently suing the Microsoft organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is the actual dialogue of a former Microsoft Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s a blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in Microsoft, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”

Life Is All About Ass

You’re either married to an ASS,
divorced from an ASS or,
trying to forget an ASS.
You’re either working your ASS off,
sweating your ASS off,
laughing your ASS off,
kicking ASS,
kissing ASS,
spanking ASS,
hauling ASS,
wiping ASS,
busting ASS,
trying to get a piece of ASS,
or,
YOU ARE AN ASS!

Marriage Contract

By Wanda Sykes-Hall

They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. “I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.”

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If . . .

1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

2. He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.

4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.

5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.

6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.

9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.

10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.

13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

14. He insists on calling his first officer “Bubba”.

15. He sets the fore view screen to re-runs of “Bassmaster”.

16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

17. He paints the starship camouflage green.

18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.

19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.

20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and matching socks.

22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

23. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

24. He sets his phaser to “Cajun”.

Why You Should Record Your Calls

Kid: So, Dad, why did Mom lock you out of the house?

Dad: She heard me on the phone with Uncle Steve talking about running errands.

Kid: What did you guys do?

Dad: Steve went to get a used car; I went to the store to get a tool to scrape paint off of furniture.

Kid: What’s wrong with that?

Dad: Well, all Mom heard was, “You go get the Escort, I’ll get the stripper, and we’ll meet up at your place.”

I Miss The Good Old Days

They Really Need To Make Those Warning Signs Bigger

Well They Have To Learn Some Time

Perfect For The Completely Normal Woman In Your Life

Yeh, My Job Is That Bad

I Have A Few Questions

How To Know That Your Police Have Had Budget Cuts

So That’s How You Know

The Things We Do For Love…No, Not That Kind!

We’ll Be On The Lookout

Old School Vampires – The Armstrong and Miller Show – BBC

A Peek Inside Martha Stewart’s Calendar:

Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for Jan.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Make a new Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home; place 12 Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books; cross out people I don’t know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for friends w/elderly relatives, so they’re ready to go
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
Jan 17: Plan repainting of Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

He Should Have Talked To Them Together

A woman went with her husband to his doctor’s appointment.

After the checkup the doctor asked to speak with ‘her privately’.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a serious illness, compounded by extreme stress. If you don’t follow these instructions, he’s unlikely to survive.”

The wife listened intently as the doctor continued: “Each morning, prepare him a healthy breakfast and help him start the day in a good mood. For lunch, make sure he eats a nutritious meal, and for dinner, cook something extra special. Avoid giving him any chores, he’ll likely be exhausted from work. Don’t bring up your problems, as it will only add to his stress. And lastly make sure to fulfill his every sexual desire several times a week.”

The doctor concluded, “If you do all this consistently for 10 months to a year, I’m confident he’ll recover fully.”

On the drive home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

Without hesitation, she replied, “You’re going to die.”

Be Wary Of These Combinations As You Get Older

As we wave goodbye to our younger years, we most also wave goodbye to some of the fads we loved. The following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo’s and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
And
14. Laughing with a mouthful of Coffee

I’m Going To Go With, This A Very Smart Toddler

A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had little sister!”

Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But honey, you already have a sister!”

Confused, the toddler asked, “I do?”

Sure, her dad said, pulling the kid’s leg. “You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!”

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, you mean just like my other Daddy.

Fuck My Life

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow, I said, “That’s funny, I don’t play tennis.” He then asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no, he said, “Well I guess we solved this one.” FML

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn’t see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize the car in the driveway wasn’t my dad’s. FML

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that’s exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he “can do so much better”. FML

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I’m Leah. She’d put the letters into the wrong envelopes. FML

Today, I saw my ex husband walking with his very beautiful, very pregnant wife. We divorced 7 months ago because he told me he was gay. FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice “Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?” FML

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent four years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the four hour ceremony is “too long.” FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria’s Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it’s fucking hilarious. FML

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right in front of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for “impeding the flow of traffic.” FML

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m 16. I’m a boy. FML

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, “Who are you?” Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

Just So You Know What It’s Really Like

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner … unannounced at 7:30pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him & his friend just sits & listens in.

Wife: My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas & I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?

Husband: Because he’s thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo!

Good Girls Vs Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls own one bra and…let’s just say it gets plenty of air.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during romantic scenes in movies.
Bad girls think, “I could do that better.”

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, “No.”
Bad girls say, “When?”

Really Bad Books

A girl was sitting with her father when she noticed her boyfriend walking toward them.

GIRL: “Have you come to collect your book titled ‘DAD IS HOME’ by John Smith?”
BOY: “No, I’m actually looking for our book called ‘WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?’”
GIRL: “I don’t have that one. But you can take this instead—’UNDER THE OLD OAK TREE’ by Emily Brown.”
BOY: “Alright. Just don’t forget to bring ‘I’LL CALL YOU IN 5 MINUTES’ when you come to school.”
GIRL: “Sure. I’ll also bring ‘l WON’T LET YOU DOWN’ by Mark Johnson.”

The father, who had been quietly listening, finally spoke.

DAD: “That’s quite a lot of books. Will he really read all of them?”
GIRL: “Yes, Dad. He’s very smart.”
DAD: “Good. Then don’t forget to give him the one on the table titled ‘I’M NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING YOU SAID’ by William Shakespeare.”
He paused, then added:
“And also, the one on the dining table—’IF YOU GET PREGNANT, BE READY TO GET MARRIED’ by George Orwell.”

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

25. No, it does not matter which quiz.

26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

28. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

31. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

32. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

33. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

34. If it itches, it will be scratched.

35. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

36. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

37. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

38. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

39. What the hell is a doily?

Who’s In Heaven

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?”
The man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had the chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”

Peter says, “That’s a good question. I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
So the couple waits… and waits…

Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, “OK, good news! Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come right in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple then asks, “One more thing. Eternity is a long time… if things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

Peter throws up his hands and says, “Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here – do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

It’s Just Not His Lifetime

Honking Won’t Do You Any Good

Those Were Bad Times

We Need To Put This Up

Oh Please, How Did You Think She Got All Those Cars In The First Place

I Was Trying Not To Think How He Stayed On

The Condom Broke

Don’t Tell Me You Thought You Were The The First Person To Think Of That

All Militaries Are The Same

Why Yes That’s My Cat On My Lap

Schizophrenic Jeopardy – Mad TV

Apolitical Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

Give An Example

The President was visiting an elementary school and stopped by one of the classes.

They were discussing words and their meanings.

The President asked the class to give an example of the word “tragedy.”

A boy said, “If my best friend was playing in a field and a tractor ran Over him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the President. “That would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand, “If a school bus with 50 children crashed and everyone died, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” said the President. “That would be a great loss.”

The class went silent.

Finally, a boy at the back raised his hand and said, “If a plane carrying you and the first lady crashed, that would be a tragedy.”

“Excellent!” said the guest. “And why would that be a tragedy?”

The boy replied, “Well, because it wouldn’t really be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Great Comeback

Tonight, at work a creepy dude asked me, “What’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?”

I responded “I’m a thousand-year-old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed”.

An old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven.

Corporate Email/Memo Translator

“A Growing Body of Opinion”:
Two high ranking officials have already agreed in this matter

“Action Recommended”:
What it was we started out to do in the first place

“Assumptions”:
Influencing factors preferably those incapable of being proven or disproven

“Bureaucrat”:
One who, having mastered both Parkinson’s Law and the Peter Principle, can now draw a straight line indicating the longest distance between two points

“Clarification”:
Filling in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground

“Close the Issue”:
It’s not safe to push this any further

“Concur”:
Now we’re in this together

“Concur in Principle”:
I haven’t read the paper and don’t want to be bound by anything it says

“Deadline”:
An arbitrary date, normally selected by splitting the difference between the boss’s vacation and the next three day weekend

“Facts Bearing On The Problem”:
Those aspects of the mess that support our recommended action or which we know we can’t hide anyway

“Flextime”:
An intriguing approach to legitimizing those afternoons on the green

“For Concurrence”:
I am not going to take the blame for this all by myself

“For Coordination”:
My boss said I have to get you to sign off on this, whether you know anything about it or not

“For Your Information”:
There may be some action required here, but I just don’t see it

“Give Us the Benefit Of Your Thinking”:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it does not interfere with what we have already decided to do

Hey, She Started It

Met a 7-year-old at McDonald’s.

She stared at me and said, “why are you so ugly?”

I leaned down and whispered, “You can’t tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine… I’m you, from the future.”

She cried for 20 minutes straight.

Kids View Of Marriage And Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some
coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10

Both Statements Are Pretty True

Women fuck who they want. Men fuck who they can.
Remember that.

Men marry who they want. Women marry who they can … if they can.
Remember that, too.

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front: 60 is not old.
On the back: …If you’re a tree.
I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis–A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I’m not a snob. I’m just better than you are.
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring….I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.
Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, they won’t have to tell lies at your funeral.

Who’s The Real Moron

A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.”

At recess, the teacher asked why.

One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…”

He held out a big 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin.

Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected— took the 50-cent piece.

Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said, “Mikey, the 50-cent piece might be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?”

Mikey sighed and said, “Of course I understand that, sir.”

“Then why do you always choose the 50-cent piece?”

Mikey grinned and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money!”

Let Me Guess, He Lives At The Office

It Never Hurts To Suck Up

Hey Dad, How Come Your Not As Cool As Grandpa Was?

That’s What I Figured

And That’s Why Smart People Are So Depressed

For The Man That Has Everything

Kinky Chicken

Serves You Right For Cheating On A Werewolf

Well You Don’t Want To Miss A Day By Accident

Holly Shit! He’s Right!

Schizophrenic Jeopardy – Mad TV

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

• Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
• Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
• Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
• Rottweiler. Make me.
• Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
• Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can l? Can l? Huh? Huh? Can l? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please!
• German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
• Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb.
• Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
• Pointer: I see it, there it is, t there it is, right there…
• Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
• Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
• Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
• The Cat’s Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

At Least They Were Both Eventually Honest

One day, David drove his date to a lonely, quiet area and parked the car.

Just as he was making his move, the woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m a prostitute.”

David thought about it for a moment and decided he was okay with it.

They agreed on $50, and everything went smoothly.

Afterward, David smiled and said, “Now it’s my turn to be honest too. I’m a taxi driver, and it will cost you $50 to get back to town.”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
– Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
“I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.”
– Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
– Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
– Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
“I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself — it’s eerie.”
– Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
“The soundtrack to ‘Indecent Exposure’ is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.”
– Fabio

ON PARADOX
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
– Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
“I’ve looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It’s the same face.”
– Claudia Schiffer

Good Dog

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a very unusual funeral procession heading toward a nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind it.

Behind the second hearse walked a woman leading a pit bull on a leash.

Trailing behind her were about 200 women walking quietly in single file.

Curious, the woman politely approached the dog owner and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this isn’t the best time to ask, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?” she asked.

“My dog attacked and killed him,” the woman answered.

The woman hesitated, then asked, “And who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law,” she replied. “She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A long, thoughtful silence passed between them.

Finally, the woman asked quietly, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The woman replied, “Get in line.”

Top Dozen Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning

12. Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.

11. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

10. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”

9. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

8. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

7. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

6. Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

5. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.

3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!

So That’s What Does It?

A mother, father, and son were having dinner, but the son wouldn’t eat his brussels sprouts.

The mother said, “Son, eat your sprouts,” but the son refused.

The father leaned over and whispered in the boy’s ear. The boy quickly ate his sprouts and went to his room.

The mother asked, “What did you say to him?”

The father replied, “I told him his willy wouldn’t grow any bigger if he didn’t eat them!”

The mother slapped the father around the head.

He asked, “What was that for?”

She replied, “For not eating your sprouts when you were a child.”

This Disease Has Always Been With Us, It’s Just That Now They Can Be Heard By Everyone

Disease: IDIOTITIS

Symptoms: Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking.

Numbers of Infected: Millions, just look at any election

Contagious: Very, especially through 24-hour so-called news

Best Defense: Slap and run.

Watcha Ya Gonna Catch With That?

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round silver thing in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says, “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

How Computers Are Like Men…

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
5) They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

How Computers Are Like Women…

1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5) You do the same thing for years and suddenly it’s wrong.

You Want A Lie? I’ll Tell You A Lie

Little Johnny is always late for school, and what’s worse, he always has a huge excuse.

Finally, his teacher has had enough and tells the principal, “Next time Johnny is late, him sending him straight to you.”

The principal says, “Good. I’ll tell him a lie so big, he’ll never lie again.”

The very next day, Johnny arrives two hours late.

Johnny explains, “Sir, I was actually two hours early today. On the way to school. I stopped to fish in the pond and caught a 17-pound trout. I had to take it home and clean it. If I didn’t freeze it, my mom would’ve been really angry. That’s why I’m late.”

The teacher immediately takes Johnny to the principal’s office and repeats the story.

The principal smiles and says, “Well Johnny, let me tell you about my morning. I was walking through the park when I heard something behind me. I turned around and saw a giant grizzly bear, 24 feet tall with 6-inch fangs! He was about to eat me!”

Johnny’s eyes go Wide. ‘Just then,” the principal continues. “a tiny dog jumped out of the bushes, attacked
the bear, killed it, and then ate the entire bear right in front of me!”

The principal asks. “What do you think of that, Johnny?

Johnny nods and says, “Oh that’s my dog, Nickels. And that was his third bear this week.”

I Can’t Believe Our Parents Still Think Were In School

Yet Somehow Smart Enough To Do The Job

There It Is!

You’d Think I Would Have Learned By Now

Not Much Has Changed Since Then

How London Deals With Ghosts

Don’t Do It, It’s A Trap! But Their Doughnuts!

Old Love Is So . . . Sweet

Well I Couldn’t Just Move Him, That Would Be Cruel

These Are The Ratings I Want To See

Waiters Who Are Nauseated By Food

A Truly Unique Individual

NAME: David Berkowitz
AGE: 109

HOBBIES:
Collecting teeth from a live tiger.
Catching bullets with bare hands.
Assassination.
Jogging up and down Mount Everest.
Collecting rock particles from the moon.

MY RECORD:
Fought an elephant and broke its neck.
Skinned a crocodile alive.
Played Russian roulette with a fully loaded clip and survived.
Killed Superman.
Held my breath underwater for 2 months, 3 weeks, 6 hours, 51 minutes, and 45 seconds.
Assassinated Adolf Hitler, John F. Kennedy, Tupac, and B.I.G. (The list is too long.)

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS:
Surfed on hot lava while the volcano was erupting.
Outran a cheetah.
Fluent in 11,798 languages.
Killed the Twitter bird.
First man to land on the sun.
Carried the Pyramid of Giza for two days straight.

SILLY THINGS DONE:
Surfing on a tsunami and Hurricane Katrina.
Snowboarding on Mount Everest.
Skydiving from outer space.

EMBARRASSING MOMENT:
Tried to kill 100 bears with one punch.
Only 99 died instantly—the last one joined the circus.

PROUDEST MOMENTS:
When a cobra died after biting me.
When I saved the planet by diverting an asteroid with just one kick.

SOMETHING ABOUT ME:
I really don’t like to brag…

Asian Who’s On First

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes, I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It’s urgent!
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone, but what is the urgent matter?
Caller: Please tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and is being taken to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on the way there.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital, then it’s not urgent! You may find this funny, but I don’t have time for this.
Caller: You are very rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.
Operator: That’s what I said I am Saw Ree.
Caller: Oh, God!

As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson

3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women’s shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or GE.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Gee I Wonder What They Were Really Calling About

Had a phone call yesterday with a very polite young lady from “somewhere far, far away.”
Here’s how it went:

“Good afternoon, madam, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thanks for asking. How are you and -more importantly – who are you?”

“Madam my name is Priya, and I’m calling you from Tech Solutions International.”

“‘Micro Softich? Is that a town in… Romania?”

“No, sir — MicroSoftich, the computer company. I’m calling to tell you we have found a problem with your computer.”

“Well, that is concerning.”

“Yes, madam, it could be very serious, but thankfully I can fix it for you.”

“No, I mean it’s concerning because… I don’t HAVE a computer.”

“You… don’t?”

“Nope.”

“Ahh, then it must be an issue with your laptop, sir.”

“I don’t have one.”

“iPad?”

“Nope.”

“Tablet?”

“I have none of those things. In fact… I don’t even own a telephone.”

Long pause…

“Madam… now you are lying to me!”

I said, “Well, you freakin’ started it!!”

ER RULES

(Unspoken, Universally Known)

We complain about the ER.
No one else is allowed to. Especially ICU.
If you sit down, chaos will sense it.
Chairs are decorative. The ER knows when you relax.
Never say “It’s been a quiet shift.”
This summons ambulances. Immediately.
Doctors buying food = Brace for impact.
Something awful is coming, but at least we’re fed.
Family members are either saints or obstacles.
There is no middle ground.
If EMS says “We’re 5 minutes out,”
They’re already backing in. Still love them.
The sickest patient won’t complain.
That’s how you know.
You will emotionally attach to your favorite coworker on shift.
Trauma bond is real.
Dark humor is self-care.
If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. A lot.
ER nurses don’t walk.
We power-stride. With purpose.
Clock-out time is a suggestion.
The ER decides when you leave.

Hey, She Started It

A teenager comes downstairs to go on a date with a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother says, “Loosen up sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Middle Age Is Just Walking Around All Day Muttering Things Like…

“What was I going to say?”
‘What did I come in here for?’
“Did I already take my pill?
“How did I get this bruise?”
“Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”
“Who moved my water glass?”
“Did the dryer shrink these pants?”
“That’s it. Diet starts tomorrow.”
“$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve.”
“I could’ve sworn that was my password.”
“Who in the world is calling me at 9:00pm?”

Talk About A Bad Day

A man arrived home to find his wife sobbing.

“What’s wrong, darling?” he asked.

Through tears she said, “The chemist, he insulted me on the phone this morning! I had to call several times before he even answered.”

The husband stormed down to the pharmacy, ready to demand an apology.

Before he could get more than a word out, the chemist said, “Now hold on – let me tell you my side of the story.”

“This morning, my alarm didn’t go off. I woke up late, skipped breakfast, and rushed out the door only to realize I’d locked both my house and car keys inside.”

“I had to break a window to get them. Then I sped off and got a ticket. Three streets from the shop, I got a flat tire.”

“When I finally arrived at the shop, customers were already impatiently waiting. I opened up, started serving, and the phone would NOT stop ringing. Ring, ring, ring, ring”

“Then I broke open a bag of pound coins for change — they went everywhere. I’m on my hands and knees picking them up, the phone still ringing.”

“I stood up, smashed my head on the cash drawer, staggered back into a shelf of expensive perfume, and half of it shattered on the floor.”

“Still, the phone keeps ringing. I finally answer it.”

“It was your wife.”

“She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her how to use it.”

Savage Replies To Insults

1. “You’re not that smart.”
“True, but I’m smart enough not to argue with fools.”
2. “You look tired.”
“Yeah, carrying the weight of other people’s stupidity is exhausting.”
3. “Nobody likes you.”
“Good, I didn’t come here to audition for friends.”
4. “You’re so full of yourself.”
“Better than being empty like you.”
5. “You think you’re better than us.”
“Not really, but thanks for noticing”
6. “You’ve changed.”
“That’s the point, staying the same is your problem, not mine.”
7. “You’re too quiet.”
“Silence is better than saying things I’ll regret like you do.”
8. “You’re such a loser.”
“And yet I still wouldn’t trade lives with you.”
9. “You act like you don’t care.”
“Correct, because I really don’t.”

You Just Figured That Out?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the sole purpose of homework is to condition children into accepting that unpaid overtime and ridiculous hours and not even being able to escape work even in your own home are a normal things to expect in their future.

I Don’t Think That’s What They Meant

Leave Those Losers Behind!

Somehow I Doubt She’s Much Of An Angel Either

That Might Be A Bad Idea

But Your Honor, The Sign Wasn’t Specific Enough

Hey, She Brought It Up

What, You Thought This Was A New Thing?

I Won’t Tell Them If You Won’t

Wow, That’s Embarrassing

Do’s And Dont’s

Christmas Shoes – Patton Oswalt

The Top Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking

• While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
• You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
• Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
• You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
• Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
• After each child, he has a Jell-O Shot.
• This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
• He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
• Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”

Apparently It’s Pretty Easy To Get In

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. “In honor of this holy season,” he said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “This represents a candle,” he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also enter heaven.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. “And just what do those symbolize?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

Funny Christmas Quotes

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. —Bart Simpson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. —Dave Barry

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” —Bernard Manning

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. —Phyllis Diller

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple

Home Security Reminder

A lot of people are going away for Christmas which makes their homes easy pickings for burglars. For security reasons I strongly recommend leaving one of your children behind to construct a series of elaborate booby traps and defend your interests.

The Top Don’t’s At The Office Christmas Party

• Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
• Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
• Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
• Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
• Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
• Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.

It’s Very Inconsiderate

To people who have Christmas lights flashing red and blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?

Every time I pass, I think it’s the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff, swallow my joint and
hide my gun.

THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can’t pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. Isn’t mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you’ll be fat and happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants won’t fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So, drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an egg- nogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip. If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Little Billy Gates Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It’s an impressive operation.

I also like how you’ve got it to where when somebody says “Christmas presents,” people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you’re a huge success, people still don’t know much about your private life. It’s just rumors. That’s so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you’re designing toys, only your elves know what you’re doing, and you’re way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you’re making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy’s stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can’t deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don’t play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very sharp.

What I don’t get is why you give away stuff. That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. I admit, it’s why you’re number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here’s an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That’s so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don’t have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you–windows. Everybody has windows.

That’s about all I have to say. You’re probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don’t really like to talk about my personal life, if that’s O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don’t really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I’m sort of like you–I make my own toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates

Without A Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you’re not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you’re ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

What Not To Do At The Mall

Apparently crawling onto Santa’s lap and whispering “I have been a bad, bad girl,” is NOT appropriate behavior for the Mall.

Who knew?

Well How Did You Think They Were Made

Damn! Should Have Thought Of That

He’s A Psychopath, That’s What He Is

Elf From The Devil Maybe

Cooking Made Easy!

It’s About Time That Little Shit Got What He Deserved

Getting Into The Christmas Spirit . . . Or Something

Just What Every Little Girl Asks For This Christmas

Santa’s An Asshole. . . Along With Most Of The People In This Movie

Well What Did You Think Christmas Wine Was For?