Easter: A Scottish Three Year Old’s Take…

How To Know Your At A Republican Seder

10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.
9. They demand a recount of the ten plagues.
8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzimto buy a goat.
7. The afikomen is hidden in the Caymen Islands.
6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.
5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?
4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.
3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.
2. They keep saying “when do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”
And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:
1. They end the seder by singing “Next year in Mar-a-Lago.”
HAPPY PASSOVER

Happy Passover

The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids)

Opening Prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four Questions:

1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers To The Four Questions:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like your grandmother’s horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A Funny Story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.

(Note: Heat soup now)

The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:

Wise child – Explain Passover.
Simple child – Explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – Explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – Browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking Of Children:

We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The Story Of Passover:

It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.

We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Note: Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The Singing Of “Dayenu:”

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.

(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL

Now I’m Assuming That They Really Didn’t Mean For It To Come Out This Way

Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Twas The Night After Seder

Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste)
After both the Sedarim, went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scale, I couldn’t believe it!
The treadmill and bicycle wouldn’t relieve it.
I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared;
The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.

The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet;
Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.
I know we made kiddish and recited each plague,
But right now I’m foggy, and my memory is vague.

So, don’t give me mat-zoh, chopped liver or wine
I’ll do my aerobics and never more dine.
I’m walking to shul, so what if it’s far?
I’m not even thinking of taking the car.

What The Engineers Say And What They Really Mean

“A number of different approaches are being tried”
We’re still grasping at straws

“We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem”
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

“Close project coordination”
We know who to blame

“Major technological breakthrough”
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured”
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive”
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

“Test results were extremely gratifying”
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned”
The only person who understood the thing quit

“It is in process”
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

“We’ll look at it”
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

“Please read and initial”
Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake

“Give us the benefit of your thoughts”
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done

“Give us your interpretation”
I can’t wait to hear this!

“See me” or “Let’s discuss”
Come into my office, I’m lonely

“All new!”
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

“Rugged”
Too heavy to lift

“Lightweight”
Lighter than rugged

“Years of development”
One finally worked

“Energy saving”
Achieved when the power switch is off

“Low maintenance”
Impossible to fix if broken

The Poison Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asks, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously answers, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

Ways To Annoy The Guy In The Next Stall In A Public Bathroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
8. Sigh relaxingly.
9. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
10. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
11. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
12. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
13. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
14. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
15. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
16. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
17. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
18. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
19. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
20. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
21. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

Gossip Backlash

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

You Know It’s Going To Be A BAD DAY When…

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

Genie!

A woman strolling along the beach found an old bottle washed up by the surf. She rubbed it and out popped a genie. Amazed, she asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be reasonable. These people have been at war for as long as they’ve been around. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for nine hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a long, deep sigh and said, “Let me see that damned map again”

And A Few Glasses Of Wine

If Only He Had Asked For Directions

Most Guys Would Convert Just For That

But They Were Already Hard Boiled I Swear!

That’s The First Tattoo I’ve Ever Seen That Actually Makes Sense

Who Wouldn’t Want That?

That’s Against The Law Now?

But Boss I Don’t Think It’s Really Safe

WHY IS THIS SO HARD!!!

Still Cool AF

Milton Berle Vs. Statler & Waldorf 1977

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Savon.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

And You Thought Just The Chinese Characters Were Jokes

So yesterday while I was working at the bookstore some girl came up with a barcode tattooed on her wrist.

Of course, my first question to her was “Can I scan it?” I guess she had never had it scanned before and was pretty excited about it.

She talked about how sentimental it was to her and stuff.

I scanned it and she rang up as a bag of Jalapeno Cheetos.

She then became livid and, of course, I was dying of laughter.

Dangerous Virus Details

Just got this in from a reliable source It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of.
So be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the………

Did I already send you this?

Chemical Analysis Of Human Elements

Element Name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic Weight: ‘Don’t even go there’.
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralized by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Favorite Insults

“Your secrets are safe with my indifference.”
“You’re like the first slice of bread in the packet everyone touches you, but no one wants you.”
“A blowjob from you would classify as anal.”
“You’re so ugly, you couldn’t even arouse suspicion.”
“Your cooking is so bad the flies chipped in and bought you a screen door.”
“I hope your fingers change into fishing hooks, and you have to itch your balls.”
“You may not be the dumbest person on earth, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
“If I feed my dog alphabet soup, I bet he craps out an argument better than yours.”
“You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot that has instructions on the heel.”
“You continue to meet my expectations.”
“If he was any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich.”
“If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
“If you were any dumber, we’d have to water you.”
“I like you better the more I see you less.”
“Go peddle your stupid elsewhere.”
“Climb back in your mum and cook little longer.”
“You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.”
“You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.”

Dave

A Wicked high school teacher told his class, “Today’s lesson is on the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”

Then he dialed a random number on his phone, put it on speaker and, when someone answered, said, “Hello? May I please speak with Dave?”

The voice on the line answered, “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

The teacher hung up and said, “Now, students, that’s surprise.
Now I’ll show you irritation.” He hit redial and asked, “Hi. Can Dave come to the phone?”

“I told you, buddy. You have the wrong number.”
“Now that’s irritation.”

He dialed the same number a third time and asked, “Is Dave available?”
“Listen, you fucking dipshit, if you call me again, I’ll find you and shove that phone up your ass!”

The teacher says to the class, “That’s rage.”

Johnny said, “Sir? Didn’t you forget the fourth stage?”

“And, what is that?”

“Total confusion.” said Johnny as he hit redial and said, “Hi, this is Dave. Did I have any calls today?”

Inflation In The U.S. Is So Bad Right Now That…

- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

And finally…

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

He Should Have Gotten More Then A Black Eye

The teacher asked Johnny, “Why does your father have a black eye today?”

Johnny shrugs and says, “Well my Mom was sweeping the porch and Dad asked, “Are you cleaning the floor or are you just testing the broom before you fly your mother’s house.”

The teacher gasps, “And then?”

Johnny replies, “And then Dad learned that a broom can reach speeds of mach 1 when Mom is the pilot.”

My Area’s WiFi Names Are Crazy

I believe Wi can Fi
Life in the fast LAN
Martin Router King
Mum Click Here For Internet
No More Mr WI-Fi
Silence of the LANs
Tell my Wi-Fi love her
The LAN Before Time
The Promise LAN
Titanic Syncing
Wham Bam Thank you LAN
Wi-Fight the Feeling

So, What Syndrome Is It

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

Isn’t Family Great!

Well That Clears It Up

Coincidence? I Think Not!

Your What Whistles?

Thank God For Amazon

Fun For The Whole Family!

Barbie’s Off Her Meds

These Guys Just Hate Parents

Define Large

If He Were Mine I’d Cook The Bacon Myself

Why Girls Don’t Fart…

Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11) Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Living Wills

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.

Family Rules

1. Mom is not allowed to potty alone. She must be accompanied by a cat, a dog, a kid (teens too), or a husband asking nonsense questions.
2. Popcorn may not be consumed unless a large portion is given to the couch as sacrifice
3. Whole family members must not enjoy dinner on the same night
4. Every meal, regardless of what it is has to be called gross disgusting before we can eat it
5. Everyone must use their outside voices at all times
6. At no point, our kids allowed to know where their water bottles are
7. Being told to brush your teeth, has to be met with the response of total shock and confusion. every time
8. All kids must never sleep through the night on the same nights
9. Whenever you’re leaving school, you must only protect one glove. The other glove, who knows.
10. Bath time must be a trial run for Olympic swimming
11. No one can ever find anything except mom even if mom tells you exactly where it is.
12. All fruit must be consumed the day it’s bought! And then the next time same fruit has to be untouched so it goes bad.
13. Evidence of all snacks consumed must be left in the couch and on the floor.
14. It is forbidden to bring your dishes to the sink when finished eating.
15. When washing hands, water must be all over the counter and surrounding floor area.
16. Kid: I’m hungry.
Parent: What do you want to eat?
Kid: I don’t know
Parent: We have X,Y,& Z what do you want?
Kid: Nothing

There’s The Teacher

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”

How Do These People Survive?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

You Haven’t Had That Talk With Him Yet Have You?

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was Right About Everything

We miss you George, and need you now more then ever.

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

“It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. And by the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe.”

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those Little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d Like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”‘

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death”

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally, his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,”
Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Get real!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON DEATH
“Richard doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
– Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
– Tyra Banks

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
– Tasha

ON BATTING
“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz

ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.”
– Naomi Campbell

ON MOTIVATION
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista

Tip Top Shape

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. So, he asked, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”

The doctor said, “At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

I’m Guessing You Don’t Like Poetry

Well Thank You For Letting Us Know

Good Call

They Should Sell Those In Every Drug Store

Well At Least It Comes With A Pink Liter

So You Won’t Eat If It’s Dad, I Can Fix That

At Least Their Honest About It

I’m Not On Enough Meds To Take This Class

You Know It’s Bad When Even Cops Have To Take On A Second Job

Because We Really Need It

A Day In The Life Of An Enshittificator

Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when you’re drunk….
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street

Don’t Be A Chicken

Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife…

He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I died? That can’t be right! live got too much to live for. Send me back!”

“St Peter said,” I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken.

Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strutted past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad “replied Harold the Hen, but I have Strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.

“That’s an egg, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” said Harold.

“Well, just relax and let it happen.” said the rooster” It’s not a big deal.”

Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he
experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell… “HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!”

Actual Marketing Flops

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

JOB DESCRIPTION – MOM

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Over Sixty

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit…………

***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. ”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

Spell What Your Father Does

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained: “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing ne would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-KLE-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.” “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.

Jett was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jett ain’t never gonna spell “accountant.”

Quotes From Steven Wright

If you’re not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates!” His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:

1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

What’s The Moral?

The teacher assigned her fifth graders to get a parent to tell them a story with a moral. The next day, the kids shared the usual “Spilled Milk” and “Pennies Saved” tales until only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story?” the teacher asked. “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me about mommy. She was a marine pilot in desert storm.”

Her plane got hit, and she bailed out over enemy territory with only a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.

Her parachute landed her in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them, then killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and finished the last one with her bare hands.”

The teacher gasped, “Good heavens! What’s the moral?’

Janie grinned, “Stay away from mommy when she’s drunk”

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
• You sleep with your eyes open
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward
• You lick your coffee pot clean
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
• You can jump-start your car without cables
• Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
• You don’t sweat, you percolate
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
• You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
• Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
• You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
• Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”
• Instant coffee takes too long
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

Work Break

TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.

To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.

While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.

The Management

I’m Sure That’s Just A Coincidence

But You Said I Could Trust You!

None Of These Are The 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV Or The Word “Like”

They Should Give This Instead Of A Gold Watch

Aren’t They All

Our Childhood Was Better

No, I’m Not A Lawyer, Why Do You Ask?

Yes. Ma’am. I Understand Your Cat Is Stuck In A Tree. I Already Dispatched The Sniper. What Else Do You Want?

Where Is This Store?

You Know It’s Bad When You Pissed Off The Old Hippies

Married Life – Best of British Humor

I Don’t Know What To Call These Either

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough.
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb.
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Covering It Up

Having gone to his secretary’s apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. “My God!” he shouted, “My wife is going to kill me!”

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. “Honey!” he began, “Don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!”

Male Drinking Habits

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

• Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
• Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
• Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
• Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
• White Zin: He’s gay.

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

Observations from Across the Nation

“Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men”
—Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

“The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.”
—Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

“Beauty is only a light switch away.”
—Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

“I’ve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.”
—Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

“If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”
—Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?”, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
—Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

“God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?”
—The Irish Times. Washington, DC

“It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
—Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.”
—Revolution Books. New York, New York.

“Express Lane: Five beers or less.”
—Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.

It’s Called Being Considerate

After a long, exhausting day, a commuter settled into his seat on the train and closed his eyes, hoping for a quiet journey home.

As the train pulled away from the station, the woman beside him took out her mobile phone and began talking — loudly.

“Hi sweetheart, it’s Sue. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the 6:30, not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with Kevin from accounting — it was with the boss. Of course, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure… cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still going at full volume.

Finally, the man beside her had had enough. He leaned over, spoke clearly into her phone, and said, “Sue, hang up and come back to bed.”

Performance Evaluation Translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

It’s Just A Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Perks Of Reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

Let’s Talk

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?

“OK”. she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

“Then how do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know Shit?”

One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn

I’m Sure There Is A Logical Way To Figure That Out

What, He Said He Needed Help Shaving

DO IT NOW! MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!

Little Bastards Deserved It!

Old School Pervert

How Much Did You Pay For This?

Boss I Can’t Work Today There’s Cats On My Cat

All Military Personnel Officers Have A Sense Of Humor

Does It Come With Chips?

Hey You Asked For It!

The Ballad of Beaker – The Muppets

Six Golden Rules For F***ing

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; drink more liquids.
5. When F***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level

So, remember “FASTING” is good for your health
What did you think I was talking about?

Big Mistake

A man is brought in by paramedics to a busy New York emergency room. He has a heavy concussion, a split lip, two black eyes, and a twisted five-iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor brings him around and asks what happened.

The man gathers himself and says, “Well, it was like this. I was having a peaceful round of golf with my wife when, on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went looking for them, and while I was searching, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

So, I walked over, lifted the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“Big mistake?” the doctor asks. “What did you do?”

“Well,” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled over to my wife, ‘Hey, honey… this looks like yours!’”

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ….same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’. Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where’?

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! And sometimes were related

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’

They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all

THEY VOTE

This explains a lot.

How Many Different Kinds?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In he 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears. still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Types Of Shits

Dogshit = Very poor quality
Bullshit = Not true
Horseshit = Nonsense
Apeshit = Rambunctious
Batshit = Insane
Chickenshit = Cowards
Ratshit = Poor quality
No Shit = Obviously
Holy Shit = Mind blowing
Hot Shit = Very good
Dip Shit = A total dumbass
Tuff Shit = Take it or leave it
Jack Shit = Nothing
The Shit = Perfection
Shiiit = Expression of extreme disbelief

Mother In Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say “Yes, it was.” The men would then ask, “Can I borrow that mule?” and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

Wit And Wisdom Of Whoever

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

Well How Did You Think He Got The Job

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself. “Do not be frightened,” said Satan. “l have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return
for just one small favor: half of your ability to hear.”

The priest was stunned. “Let me think about it for a few days.” The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. “Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!” He told over his strange encounter.

The bishop was shocked. “A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!” But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. “Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!” He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. “Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!” But the priest wasn’t convinced.

He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he’d receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. “Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!” “Sorry,” said the Pope, “could you speak a little louder?”

You Know Your In Big Trouble At Work When…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who?” to anyone calling for me.

What Did You Treat His Cough With?

A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ he asks his assistant.

‘He came in for some cough syrup,’ the assistant explains. ‘But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.’

‘What!’ the chemist says, horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’

‘Of course you can,’ the assistant declares. ‘Look at him, he’s far too scared to cough.’

And Last

It’s Coming Sooner Then You Think

That Was Nice Of Her

So What Did You Use Back In The Old Days Dad?

Why Didn’t They Teach This In School

Now I’m Protected!

How Bad Is Your Job?

Is This An Instructional Game?

The Wine Finally Makes It Taste Good

Looks Pretty Accurate

Racist Workout – Awkward Puppets

Equal But Not The Same

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Now That’s Pretty Old

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, ‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’

‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’

His friend says. Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’

‘A witch ??.. why the hell would you say that?’

‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’

Medical Truths

• The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
• You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
• When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end …
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

Well How Long Did You Expect Her To Last

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a little old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

She said, “I smoke ten cigars a day. Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills and have sex. And I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty”, she replied.

New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys

• 370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
• 370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
• 370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
• 370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
• 370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
• 370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
• 370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
• 370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
• 370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
• 370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort teasers, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
• ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

What’s Wrong With That Genie

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says, “I’m sure it’s none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?”

The guy says, “There’s a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he’s still there if you hurry.”

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus.

The bartender says, “You didn’t tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The guy says, “Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?”

Tips For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

You Have To Live Anywhere Other Then The United States To Fully Get This Joke

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member come with you?”

The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Damn, Those Little Pushers Are Back!

The Kids First Use Of Plausible Deniability

Why Didn’t Someone Invent This A Long Time Ago?

Son, Maybe You Should Consider Divorce?

I Need That Upgrade

Not Drunk Just Stupid

He Didn’t Know One Of Her Friends Was A Math Major

BTW Your Fired

We Cater To Everyone

Yep, That’s What They Would Have Said

What Moms Want For Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

The evening of Valentine’s Day. A man comes to a drug store:
- Good evening!
- Sorry, we are sold out…

A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
- What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?
- Well, I don’t know, – she answers shyly.
- OK, that I give you another year to think about it…

How do you wish Happy Valentine’s Day for a single?
Happy Independence Day

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

What’s the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

I’m gonna spend Valentines day with my ex…… box 360

I can’t wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

Valentines day….. A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk.

That awkward moment when valentines day is around the corner, and the only person that loves you is your mom.

Dear Ex-Valentine

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,

I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.

– Your Ex

Redneck Valentines

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Yipeeee….Yee Ha!

Apples And Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy……

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And… Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class,
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I’m fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

3. You’re a honey, and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess?!”

Children’s Books You Wish You Will Never See:

“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say, Because I Said So”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

Now That I Have Kids, I Realize They Weren’t Wrong, We Are

Today’s Kids: “Shut up mom! And get out of my room and close my door!”
Today’s Moms: “Okay I’m sorry I won’t do it again!”

Me back in the day: “Shut up momma!”
Me: “Where am I”
Doctor: “You are in the hospital! You’ve been in surgery over 5 hours! It took us that long to remove your mother’s foot from your Ass!”

Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…

“I finished the Oreo’s.”
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream.”
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Got milk?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
“Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!”
“You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

Yes, It Has Come To This

Shane, 35

Seeks hostile woman for unfulfilling sex, future divorce, and co-dependency. Looking for a whiny, crazy lady with misplaced sense of entitlement and lots of expectations.

Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take it slow with me. I’d be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.

The Perfect Self Valentine Gift

Lonely Valentine

If You Find A Woman Who Wants This More Then Chocolate, Mary Her

Valentines Day Harts From Men’s Nightmares

I Guess She Didn’t Want All The Tattoos Removed

Who Says Kids Don’t Tell The Truth

Chris Is Just Sick

Too Realistic For Kids To Play With

Ahh, The Good Old Days

I Can’t Wait To Have Some Of My Own

Sesame Street: The Dark Turn

Addicted to Your Cell Phone?

Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.

1. Do parts of your body tingle when your phones on vibrate?
2. Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
5. When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?
8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?

How Many Women Can a Man Marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ’4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’”

New Barbie Dolls

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

My Goldfish Died

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“Well, my goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Residents

Due to the recent actions of a specific tenant, we have been forced to update our community rules. Please find these new rules below:

1. No trash bags placed outside your door.
2. No loud music after 10 p.m.
3. No yodeling at any time.
4. Do not feed the squirrels nachos.
S. Do change the sign for the Fitness Center so it reads “Fatness Center”.
6. Do not pull out Yu-Gi-Oh cards and threaten to send residents to “The Shadow Realm”.
7. Do not climb other people’s balconies while drunkenly yelling, “I AM SPIDER-MAN”.
8. NO ZIPLINES.
9. Do place rent checks in a bear trap outside of rental office.
10. Do make rent cheeks out to “You Greedy Mother Fuckers!”
11. DO NOT YELL AT THE MOON.
12. Do not enter the laundry in a mask and attempt to wrestle other residents.
13. No trick-or-treating unless you are a kid and it is Halloween.
14. Do not yell “Order Up’” and throw dogs at people they walk past your window.
15. Do attach basketball hoops to residents’ doors, knock, and then “dunk on them” when they answer.

Moving forward, failure to abide by these rules will be grounds for eviction.

Thank you.
Management

New Family Driver

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Things You Can Say About Your Car But Not About Your Spouse

“She’s getting really high mileage”.
“I’m going to trade her in for a younger model”.
“The front end is making a weird noise”.
“She shakes too much when I get her going fast”.
“It’s too expensive to keep her running”.
“I need to wash her, she’s filthy”.
“I think I’ll let my friend take her for a spin”.
“She runs better with premium fuel”.
” I think everyone should take her for a ride”.
” How many of us do you think would fit in there?”.
” I wish she had more room in her trunk, she can only take so much”.
” She makes wheezing, rattling noises, so I figure I’ll have to trade her in”.
” She needs a lube job in the worst way”.
” She’s been ridden for too many miles, by too many people to be really reliable”.
” She’s too expensive to maintain”.
” If I have to have her checked out by a specialist one more time, I’m getting a newer model”.
” Ok, so she’s a little old, and getting uglier by the day, but she gets me there every time…that’s what really counts, right?”

The TRUE ending to “The Empire Strikes Back”:

A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true…and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

True Medical Definitions . . . Sort Of

Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Enema: Not a friend
Artery: The study of paintings
Terminal Illness: Getting Sick at the airport
Dilate: To live a long time
Out-patient: A person who has fainted
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Fibula: A small lie
Node: I knew it
Caesarian Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Wife’s Final Words

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife’s side. ”Sleep now, its all right,” he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ”Honey, I really need to tell you something.”
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

”Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.”

”Don’t worry about it,” Jake said, ”I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

It’s About Damn Time!

Well I Haven’t Gotten Shot Yet Your Shift Ain’t Over Yet

They Just Said We Shouldn’t Eat Our Own Hair

CYBER Bullying! Not Cool, Apple, Not Cool!

So It’s Not Our Fault, Sincerely The Airlines

I Wish I Had Thought Of That

Only In America . . . We Hope

No, That’s Not Honey

Don’t Freak, I Promise You He’s Ok

You Had To Know That Was Going To Happen Sooner Or Later

Star Wars But It’s Ruined By AI

30 Fun Things To Do While Driving…

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

A Normal Day At A Walmart

Charlotte NC – A Walmart trip turned into a full-contact sporting event yesterday when two Charlotte women got into a scuffle in the ladies’ underwear department over a single discounted bra.

According to witnesses, the $6.99 “Comfort Lift Deluxe” was the last one on the rack, prompting what one bystander described as “The fastest grab I’ve ever seen outside a Black Friday TV sale.” The women both determined to claim the deal, allegedly exchanged heated words before the argument escalated into a tug-of-war worthy of ESPN coverage.

Police arrived to find the bra stretched beyond recognition and both women out of breath. One of them, identified as 51-year-old Marsha Cole, was arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to calm down and insisting the bra “was practically in her hand first.”

The bra, sadly, did not survive. Walmart has no plans to restock.

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)
5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Bubba’s Three Daughters

Bubba had three daughters. One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, “Hi, my name is Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to see a show. Can she go?”

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, “Hi, my name is Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, “Hi, My name is Chuck.” With that, Bubba shot him.

Letters Of Recommendation

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: “In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept: “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: “I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Customer Service

This is a true story from the Microsoft help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Microsoft employee was fired however; he is currently suing the Microsoft organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is the actual dialogue of a former Microsoft Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s a blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in Microsoft, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”

Life Is All About Ass

You’re either married to an ASS,
divorced from an ASS or,
trying to forget an ASS.
You’re either working your ASS off,
sweating your ASS off,
laughing your ASS off,
kicking ASS,
kissing ASS,
spanking ASS,
hauling ASS,
wiping ASS,
busting ASS,
trying to get a piece of ASS,
or,
YOU ARE AN ASS!

Marriage Contract

By Wanda Sykes-Hall

They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. “I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.”

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If . . .

1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

2. He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.

4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.

5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.

6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.

9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.

10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.

13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

14. He insists on calling his first officer “Bubba”.

15. He sets the fore view screen to re-runs of “Bassmaster”.

16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

17. He paints the starship camouflage green.

18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.

19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.

20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and matching socks.

22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

23. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

24. He sets his phaser to “Cajun”.

Why You Should Record Your Calls

Kid: So, Dad, why did Mom lock you out of the house?

Dad: She heard me on the phone with Uncle Steve talking about running errands.

Kid: What did you guys do?

Dad: Steve went to get a used car; I went to the store to get a tool to scrape paint off of furniture.

Kid: What’s wrong with that?

Dad: Well, all Mom heard was, “You go get the Escort, I’ll get the stripper, and we’ll meet up at your place.”

I Miss The Good Old Days

They Really Need To Make Those Warning Signs Bigger

Well They Have To Learn Some Time

Perfect For The Completely Normal Woman In Your Life

Yeh, My Job Is That Bad

I Have A Few Questions

How To Know That Your Police Have Had Budget Cuts

So That’s How You Know

The Things We Do For Love…No, Not That Kind!

We’ll Be On The Lookout