Philomena Cunk on Charity

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Age Difference

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

“You grew up in a different world,” the student said, loud enough for everyone around them to hear. “Today we have television, satellite positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men have walked on the moon; our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high-speed processing.”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have these things when we were young, so we invented them, you little twit. What are you doing for the next generation?”

Things That Just Don’t Make Sense

• If you fail a test… didn’t your teacher fail to teach you?
• When you fall during a push-up but use your arms to get back up… wasn’t that… a push-up??
• When a cop asks “How fast were you going?” shouldn’t the answer be “Not fast enough clearly”?
• You can never buy an unused mirror.
• If Cinderella’s shoe fell off, how did if “fit perfectly”?
• Bigger bed = more bed room but less bedroom.
• If you’re invisible and close your eyes. Can you still see??
• Your car keys technically travel farther than your car.
• Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
• If your thumb “isn’t a finger,” then you don’t have a middle finger.
• Why is a building called a building if it’s already built?

Boot Camp

A Letter From A Red Neck, Now At Paris Island

Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically do nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again! It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none at all.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Things To Do In An Office Meeting

1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, now I get it!”

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don’t want to catch what I’ve got!”

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them “doctor’s orders.”

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she “not hurt you anymore.”

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can’t help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it’s to “prevent the seizures.”

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say “It’s pitiful. But what can you do?”

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you “so you can hear better.” Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that “my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.” Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody “My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.”

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: “Just in case.”

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker’s. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)

Letter Of Recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING…

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

What They Both Want & When

It’s proven that women’s preferences change:
At 20, they want a handsome man.
At 25, they want a successful man.
At 30, they want a wealthy man.
At 40, they want a strong man.
At 50, they want a faithful man.

Men’s thinking is simple and doesn’t change:
At 20, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 25, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 30, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 40, they want a young, beautiful girl…
At 50, they still want a young, beautiful girl.

Conclusion: Men are consistent and stick to their preference.

Navajo Message To The Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

You Might Be A Redneck if…

• You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
• You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
• Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
• You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

What Did He Think She Was Going To Say

I forgot to zip up my trousers, so a lady told me politely, “Sir, your garage is open”

I gave her naughty smile as I zip up and asked, “Did you see me RANGE ROVER parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said, “No just one small TOYOTA with two Flat tires.”

I’m still crying

So, Does This Actually Change Anything?

Let Me Guess, You Have Big Brothers

If They Could, They Would

Well How Did You Think He Got Elected

For Beer And Shark Meat

Um, Professor, You Know We Already Have Pictures Of Those In The Textbook, Right?

The Best Part Of Adulthood

Oldies My Geriatric Ass!!!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Something To Remember Her By

Future News – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In’s 1973

More Family Rules

1. When all kids are playing together, at least 1 or more children must cry while seeking a parent within 5 minutes of commencing playtime.
2. Potty training boys is an outdoor activity
3. When leaving the house, at least one child must not know the location of one or both of their shoes.
4. Only like a snack until mom buys it in bulk from Costco, then never eat it again.
5. When Mom is in the shower, and Dad is downstairs, and a kid needs something, they MUST walk up two sets of stairs (skipping dad entirely), walk into the bathroom without knocking and asking mom to help right away.
6. Kids must ignore their parent until the parent starts yelling. It’s tough because sometimes you have to wait until the parent has repeated themselves as many as 5 times, but don’t give in. Wait until they yell. Then yell back in confusion, “WHAT??”
7. Kids are not allowed to all be healthy at the same time. If an illness runs three days in the first kid, the second kid must wait until day three to come down with it, Dad on day 7 (and his will run 17,000 days), kid four on day 9. Mom will also get sick but must power through.
8. No game should be stored with all the pieces intact. There should be a waiting area for these extra pieces but which ever game you want to play at that time the piece must not be in the waiting area.
9. Everyone must want the same plate on the same day.
10. Nobody is allowed to like the same movie at the same time.
11. Lights may only be turned off by Mom.
12. Only Mom may notice when the drinks are running low in the fridge and restock them.
13. Children may only ask deep meaningful questions at bedtime or when they’re in the car on the freeway.
14. You may not take your left sock off in the same place you take off your right sock. And they must be inside out.
15. Cup holders are mini trash cans that magically empty themselves.
16. The word bedtime is actually a code word for “you are hungry and must eat now”!

Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.

He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, more than words could ever do justice…”

At this point, he seemed to struggle for words, and after a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”

Small Ways To Feel Happy

1. Hug a friend
2. Eat a cookie
3. Light a baseball bat on fire & swing it around in your backyard while listening to AC/DC
4. Look at a penguin
5. Pet an egg
6. Put on a crown and command your mother to do a funny dance
7. Pull off the perfect jewel heist
8. Wrestle a neighbor
9. Outwit an enemy
10. Walk into the ocean and just let the current take you

I Want A Divorce!

A young man from a prominent family was being divorced by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. “The good news is that she isn’t asking for any share of your future inheritance.”

“Great!” said the young man. “What’s the bad news?”

“Well,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”

Spring Cleaning Checklist

• Vacuum floors
• Wash baseboards
• Scream cathartically into the void
• Wipe doorknobs
• De-rust dungeon chains
• Blow dust off an ancient spell book and recite the cryptic incantations of your choosing
• Sweep the panic chamber
• FEED THE BASILISK
• Shed your human disguise and bathe the glistening exoskeleton hidden within

The Plan

An oldie, but still insightful in its truth.

In the beginning there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went unto their Resident Engineers and said, a bit more diplomatically, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Resident Engineers went unto their Assistant Division Engineers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the Assistant Division Engineers went unto their Division Engineers, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Division Engineers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Division Engineers went unto the Construction Engineer, saying, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Construction Engineer went to the Director, saying, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the Director looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, And the plan became policy.

And that my friends, is how “Shit Happens”.

Summer Checklist

• Relax by the pool
• Go on a road trip
• Eat a bug
• Just stop going into work
• Explore a haunted cave
• Get an early start on your taxes
• Steal a police officer’s hat
• Fall asleep in a dumpster
• Cry
• Try cocaine
• Whisper your secrets to a frog
• Discover Atlantis
• Fake your death and assume a new identity

The Word Of The Day Is:

Cock-tastrophe (n)

The inevitable, flaming car crash that occurs when an overstimulated Motherfucker with the IQ of a wet wash rag decides he is the smartest person in the room. It’s that pinpoint second when unearned confidence hits a brick wall of reality at 100mph.

The Cock-tastrophist is a delusional dipshit who spends 10% of their time “working” and 90% of their time jerking themselves off over their own “brilliance,” only to leave a trail of smoldering wreckage that requires a forensic team and a priest to fix.

The Funniest Workplace Nicknames

• Newspaper: Has a new issue every day.
• Olympic Flame: They never go out.
• Sensor Light: Gets activated when someone walks past.
• Bluetooth: Only works when paired.
• Ninja Turtle: Turtle to work, Ninja to home.
• 404: can’t be found.
• Storm Trooper: Always missing.
• Wikipedia: Full of information, but you can’t be sure it’s true.
• Blister: Shows up after the hard work is done.
• Broken Arrow: Doesn’t work and can’t be fired.
• Credit Card: Always takes credit for everyone else’s work.
• Teflon: No matter how many times you tell them, nothing sticks.
• Speed Bump: Always slowing everyone down.
• Lava Lamp: Looks good but not very bright.
• Levi’s: Always disappears at 5:01.
• Alexa: Only works when asked.
• Daisy: Some daisy’s in, some daisy’s out.
• Wheelbarrow: Only works when pushed.
• Pothole: Everyone tries to avoid them.

Why It’s Important To Drink

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’

I Learned This In Karate Class…That You Paid For

Why No, I Wouldn’t Say That Was Passive Aggressive At All

Just In Case You Needed A Sign To Remind You . . . Which Apparently A Few People Did

Seriously, Who Approves This Stuff?

Because It Was A Slow Day And His Break Light Was Out

And That’s How She Met Her Husband

Yep, Me To

What Did He Have To Give Up For Her To Say Yes To This?

Taco Bell Comes To Bangladesh

Their Rovers Are Just Cooler

I honor of Teacher Appreciation Week

Cool Teacher vs. Class Clown – Key & Peele

You’re A Teacher If…

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

All Teachers Have To Learn To Do This

I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said “She called me the b-word.”

When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherfu(ker doesn’t start with a b.”

I managed to turn my laugh into a cough, but yeah no more recess for her that day.

Students Exam Papers

The following real-life answers to various exam papers explain why teachers need long holidays.

• What is a nitrate?: Cheaper than a day rate.
• What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.
• What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?: Unusual names.
• Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements: Learning to speak Latin.
• Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?: Two polar bears. Four seals.
• How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?: It doesn’t. it’s just self, self, self, all the way
• through.
• Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld: Mrs. Orpheus.
• Where was the American Declaration Of Independence signed?: At the bottom.
• What happens during puberty to a boy?: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.
• What is the meaning of the word varicose?: Close by.
• What is a fibula?: A little lie.
• What is a vibration?: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.
• Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?: Around Hadrian’s garden.
• The race of people known as Malays come from which country?: Malaria.

Little Eddy’s Test

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Eddy: “Pants”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Traditional Anniversary Gifts

If you want to get divorced

1st year Glowing amulet
2nd year Wailing skull
3rd year A mysterious orb that grants wishes, but for each wish granted it takes a human life.
4th year 1,OOO lizards
5th year The head of a shared enemy
6th year A flock of ravens that ominously encircles overhead and obeys voice commands
7th year Hot Topic Gift Card
8th year Enchanted dagger
9th year The stolen hopes & dreams of a small child
10th year 200 gallons of potato salad

Teaching 5 Year Olds To Read

From a teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, ‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’

I took a deep breath , then asked…’What did you call it?’

‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’

And so it does…

‘African Elephant’

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

More Sarcastic Quotes

1. “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Sir Winston Churchill
2. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.”
3. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
4. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
5. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
6. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
7. “So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”
8. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
9. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.”
10. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
11. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
12. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
13. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
14. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
15. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”
16. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” – Rodney Dangerfield
17. “People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”

Well You Have To Make Sure Their Healthy First

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Best Ways To Die

1. Exploring an ancient tomb
2. Smothered by pandas
3. Valiantly, while thrusting a sword into the heart of an alien queen
4. Cupcake overdose
5. Triple backflip into a volcano
6. At a waterpark so your ghost has a fun place to hang out for eternity
7. Blimp accident
8. Shot out of cannon
9. Outsmarted by a team of velociraptors

Taxi Ride

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.”

Sometimes You Just Need The Right Ambiance

The One On The Left Is Brand New

Hey, It Was All For Science

This Should Be A Poster In Every Chemistry Class

Do You Really Want Me To Explain This Again?

Why You Should Always Check Your Child’s Homework

Yep, That’s Gym Class

It’s The Latest Thing

They Don’t Make Them Like That Anymore

You Thought He Was Kidding Didn’t You

Good Morning Meth – SNL

More Things That Made My Toddler Cry This Week:

- only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
- I wouldn’t serve her hot ice cream
- her shadow is copying her
- doesn’t want to have bones anymore

Are You Sure You Know How To Do This?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

One Of The Most Versatile Words In The English Language

Sexual: Let’s fuck.
Mischief: Let’s fuck with them.
Aggression: Let’s fuck them up.
Anger: fuck you.
Regret: fuck me!
Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
Surprise: Holy fuck!
Puzzlement: What the fuck?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Fraud: I got fucked over.
Identification: Who the fuck are you?
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Compliment: She’s so fucking beautiful.
Confusion: Where the fuck are we?
Wonder: What the fuck is that?
Amazement: How the fuck did he do that?
Threat: Don’t fuck with me!
Realization: I fucking knew it!

Damn Women Drivers

This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my shaver, . . . . . .which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!!

Seniors Texting Code

ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG: Oh My! sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On floor Laughing And Cant Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

Diaper Names Logic

Where marketing meets reality!

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well, here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest our mind.

W.C. Fields

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday”.
“Start every day with a smile, and get it over with”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it”.
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted”.
“Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people”.
“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast”.
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol”.
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to”.
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep”.
“Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.”

Hell Hath No Fury Then A Woman Scorned . . . Remember That Guys

A woman came home early to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to…cut it off are you?!”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Weird State Laws

MASSACHUSSETTS – At a wake, you’re only allowed to eat up to three sandwiches. Yep… that’s the limit.

MICHIGAN – A woman technically can’t cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Sounds wild, right?

MISSISSIPPI – It’s illegal to explain what polygamy means to someone. Like… seriously?

MONTANA – You can’t have a sheep riding in your truck cab unless it has a “chaperone.” No joke.

NEBRASKA – Bars aren’t allowed to sell beer unless they’re also cooking a pot of soup at the same time.

DELAWARE – Getting married on a dare? Yeah, that’s actually illegal.

The Soldier, The Judge, And The Politician

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, quietly, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, a bit out of his element. “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three main styles of bras to choose from.” Said the saleslady. “The soldier, the judge or the politician. Which would you prefer?”

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, “Well it’s quite simple. The soldier defends strategic locations from foreign hands, the judge makes sure everything is equal and balanced, and the politician blows everything out of proportion.”

I Don’t Think This Means What You Think It Means . . . I Hope

Then Don’t Sell Guns To Idiots

Don’t Mess With The Bear

So That’s What This Sign Means

But Did He Win?

Who Approved This?

OUCH!

This Won’t Hurt A Bit

I Wonder What Would Work To Get That Job

But Just Be Yourself

The Conjugal Rights Guide

How Does Scooby Doo And The Gang Have Enough Money To Travel The World And Solve Mysteries For Free?

The Asshole Answer: It’s a cartoon, dumbass.
The Perverted Answer: Velma and Daphne are call girls.
The Stoner Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Cynical Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Optimistic Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Businessman Answer: Shaggy is a pot dealer.
The Practical Answer: The gang probably charges for their services.
The Real Answer: Shaggy is definitely a pot dealer.

My Vote: Daphne’s parents are also rich, but still, definitely a pot dealer.

George Carlin On The 10 Commandments

Transcript from his HBO special “Complaints and Grievances”

Here is my problem with the ten commandments, why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this, when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why, because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY G OD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY G OD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior, dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is, coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now, the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

&

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN THAN YOU.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF.

Great Signs

A sign in a shoe repair store:
“We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!”

At an Eye Clinic:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Attack Chihuahua

So, the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua.

The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua! ” The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!” She pointed
to a table, and again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry. “Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

Mom’s Favorite Sayings

1. What part of no don ‘t you understand?
2. I don’t care who started it!
3. Money doesn’t grow on trees.
4. Your face is going to freeze like that.
5. Your hands are not broken.
6. Beds are made for sleeping, not jumping.
7. No one said life is fair.
8. Eat your vegetables.
9. I don’t know is NOT an answer.
10. Because I said so… That’s Why!

New Virus

FYI…

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.

Top EMT Quotes That Sound Dirty

1. Put some KY on it, it will go in easier
2. Let’s put a little fluid in her
3. She responds to painful stimulation
4. Just relax and let us do the work
5. She can take an oral
6. I’m sorry it’s so hard, I’ll get you off when I can
7. Hold her head so I can put it in her mouth
8. You’re going to feel a tinny prick
9. Lay right there & do exactly what I tell you

The Golden Years

Leaving the Store, I couldn’t find my Keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my tum to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

More Thoughts During Work

• I hate you.
• And you.
• Yeah, you too
• Shut up.
• I don’t care
• You are stupid
• Why am I still here?
• Walk faster, idiot.
• You talk too much.
• Ugh, shut up.
• Can’t I be excised for my Whole life?
• I’m hungry.
• I need sleep.

What Do I Look Like?

Wife: Honey, can you please help me clean the garden?
Husband: Do I look like a gardener?
Wife: Sorry honey, OK then fix the bathroom door.
Husband: Do I look like a carpenter? Then the husband walks out.
After coming from where he went, he found the garden clean and the door fixed
Husband: I didn’t know you could do this all by yourself.
Wife: Not Me
Husband: Who then?
Wife: John, Our neighbor
Husband: How much did you pay him?
Wife: No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or sex
Husband: Hope you gave him bread
Wife: Do I look like baker?
Husband fainted

Isn’t It Great To Be Wanted

What, I Figured It Would Save Some Time

And That’s Why No Ice Cream Company Is Really Called That

Try It And Find Out

What Do You Expect, The Show Got Cancelled

No I Don’t Mind Pissing Off A Lot Of Cops. Why Do You Ask?

I Think You Need A Job Where You Can Work From Home

Good Advice

All Too Familiar

That’s Why You Should Never Tell You Father About Your Boyfriends

School Subjects Throw A Party

Joan Rivers Had Zero Filter

“I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”
“A MAN can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp?’
“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We’re making love and I took the bag off my head.”
“My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
“My sex life is so bad, my g-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”
“I was born in 1962… And the room next to me was 1963.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, ‘will she live?’ he said, ‘only if you take your foot off her throat’.”
“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
“The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, ‘he’s flashing! He’s flashing!’ in New York, a guy flashes you, you take your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.”
“Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.”
“I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We’d go out for drinks, he’d go, ‘bottoms up”
“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”‘
“The ONE thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
“Peeping toms look at my window and pull down the shade.”
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it’s missing, what’s there stinks.”
“I spit on education. No MAN is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”

Microsoft Call Of The Day

I had a lovely phone conversation today with a very polite young Indian chap who said he was calling from Microsoft.

“Hello, madam, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? More importantly… WHO are you?”

“Madam, my name is Gupta, and I am calling from Microsoft.”

“Microsoft, eh? Is that a city somewhere? How’s the weather today — hot, or is it monsoon season? I’ve seen those documentaries, that’s some serious rain!”

“No, madam, the weather is very nice. I am calling from MICROSOFT — the computer company — Mr. Bill Gates’ company. We have found a serious problem with your computer.”

“REALLY? My computer? Well, that’s very worrying.”

“Yes, madam, it could be catastrophic for your files, your passwords, even your internet banking! But don’t worry — I can fix it for you.”

I said, “Well that is worrying… because I don’t actually HAVE a computer.”

Silence.

“You don’t, madam?”

“No, Gupta. No computer.”

“Ahhh, then it must be your laptop.”

“Gupta…”

“Yes, madam?”

“I don’t have one.”

“An iPad?”

“No.”

“A tablet?”

“No.”

Pause…

“Gupta, as a matter of fact, I don’t even have a telephone.”

Long silence.

Then he says, “Madam, now you are lying to me.”

I said, “Well you started it!”

And I hung up.

Aging With A Smile

• Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
• My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
• I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
• It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.
• People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
• I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
• Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
• Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

St. Patrick Was A What?

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of them said, “I’m going to wind him up.”

He walked over, tapped the Irishman on the shoulder, and said, “I hear St. Patrick was a no-good wife beater.”

The Irishman said, “Oh, really? Didn’t know that.”

The man went back, confused. “I insulted, and he didn’t care!”

The second Englishman said, “You’re doing it wrong. Watch this.” He went over and said, “I hear St. Patrick was a no-good drunk!”

The Irishman replied, “Oh wow, I didn’t know that. Thanks for telling me.”

The Englishman came back shocked. “You’re right, he doesn’t react to anything!”

The third Englishman said, “I’ll get him.” He walked over, tapped the Irishman on the shoulder, and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

The Irishman smiled and said, “Yeah, that’s what your friends were trying to tell me!”

Dog’s Pet Peeve

• When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

• Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.

• Blaming your farts on me…not funny…not funny at all.

• Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!

• How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

• Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?

• Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

• Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.

• How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

• Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

• When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

• Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

• The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

• Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!

That’s So Typical

A man and his wife are in bed, getting hot and heavy, when the wife suddenly pushes him away and says, “No, actually, I don’t feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?”

The man, clearly frustrated, says, “What?! Why the hell can’t we have sex?”

The woman replies, “This is so typical! You have no idea what it’s like to be a woman. You just don’t understand me.”

Then she turns over and goes to sleep.

The next day, the man apologizes and says he wants to make it up to her. He tells her they’re going to the mall. He takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and encourages her to try on outfits. She can’t decide which one she likes best, so he says, “Just take them all.”

She lights up, jumping up and down, hugging him. Then they head to the jewelry section. She spots a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.

But the husband says, “Nah, the price isn’t right, it’s too low,” and instead gets her a tennis bracelet worth twice as much.

Feeling like she’s had the best shopping day ever, they walk up to the cashier.

The man hands over all the items and says, “We’ve changed our minds. Could you put these back for us?”

His wife stares at him, shocked. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

He smiles and says, “You thought I was going to buy all this? That’s so typical. You have no idea what it’s like to work hard for money. I just wanted you to hold them for a while.”

Say This Instead

Shut your bitch ass up
— Silence thyself, you impudent wench.

What the fuck is wrong with you?
— Art thou utterly bereft of sense?

I don’t give a fuck what a bitch gotta say about me.
— I care not how a harlot forms her lips to speak falsehoods on my name.

Get the fuck outta here
— Retreat thyself from my presence this instant foul creature!

I’m weak!
— frailty befalls me
— Frailty! O frailty!

Who gone check me boo?
— and who, pray tell, shall correct me?

Who said that?
— who proclaimed such things?

Where Are You Going To Use It?

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

You Know You’ve Turned Into a Mom When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

(I know this is out of date but it’s still funny as hell!)

How to Handle the IRS
by Dave Barry

It is time once again for our annual feature “Tax Advice for Humans,” the column that explains our complex federal tax laws to you in simple, everyday terms that have virtually nothing to do with reality. This is the only tax-advice column that has the courage to give you the following written guarantee in writing:
“If, as a result of following the advice in this column, you are for any reason whatsoever confined to a federal prison, we will personally come and live in your house, until your refrigerator is out of beer.”

So let’s get started! Most likely the foremost question in your mind, as you prepare to fill out your federal tax forms, is: “Can I cheat?” A lot of taxpayers are thinking that this is a good year to take advantage of the Internal Revenue Service, because of the way it got hammered in those congressional hearings last September. Remember? One by one, taxpayers went before the Senate Finance Committee and told alarming stories like this:
“I got a letter from the IRS computer stating that I owed taxes back to the year 427 B.C., which seemed like a mistake, plus the letter addressed me as `The Dionne Quintuplets,’ so I went down to the IRS office to straighten things out, and the next thing I knew I was being dangled from a helicopter by one leg.”

When the nation heard these stories, everybody was outraged. The IRS formally apologized to the taxpayers and ordered the dismantling of the agency’s primary guillotine.

So, a lot of people are thinking that this year, while the IRS is under fire, is a good time to “play fast and loose” with their tax returns, and maybe even get revenge for the years of abuse by yanking the IRS’ chain a little bit. One leading tax-preparation firm, which I will not identify here except by its initials, “H” and “R,” has gone so far as to write taunting remarks in the margins of its clients’ tax returns, such as:
“Hey Audit Breath! If you don’t believe I spent a 100 percent deductible total of $224,123 on Pez, perhaps you would like me to complain to the Senate Finance Committee?”

“No I shall not enclose Form 10448275-J! I shall use Form 10448275-K for INTIMATE HYGIENE PURPOSES HAHAHAHA!”

This kind of thing is of course a lot of fun, but we are not recommending it. What many people do not realize is that, after the IRS finished publicly apologizing to the taxpayers who testified against it last September, it quietly tracked them down and relieved them of all of their worldly possessions including corneas.
So we are not recommending that you cheat. You should heed the words of IRS commissioner Charles Rossotti, who, in this year’s Letter to Taxpayers, states:
“Every citizen owes it to the nation to pay his or her fair share of taxes, unless of course he or she has made a whopping cash contribution to a key congressperson or President Bill `Mr. Coffee’ Clinton or Vice President Al `I Honestly Thought That They Were Just A Bunch Of Very Wealthy Buddhist Nuns!’ Gore.”

Here are some questions that you are likely to ask in preparing your tax returns this year:

Q. Did the government change the tax laws again?
A. Ha Ha! That is the stupidest question we have ever heard! Of COURSE the government changed the tax laws! The government had no choice! The government found out that, despite the fact that the U.S. Tax Code is larger than the entire state of Connecticut, there was still one U.S. taxpayer, Norbridge K. Trongle Jr., who was able to correctly prepare his own tax return. The government considered handling this threat to the national security by sending a B-2 “Stealth” bomber to destroy Mr. Trongle’s house and financial records, but the Air Force vetoed this plan because of the risk that the $2 billion plane would be brought down by Mr. Trongle’s lawn sprinkler. So the House and Senate Joint Tax Mutation Committee swung into action and made a number of significant changes to the Tax Code, which you need to know about.

Q. What, specifically, are these changes?
A. Nobody knows.

Q. How many taxpayers will have their total income-tax payments, for the entire year, used to provide food, housing, transportation, medical care, Secret Service protection and chew toys for Buddy, the new White House dog?
A. White House spokes human Mike McCurry says that the “best estimate” is currently “around 300 taxpayers,” but notes that this number could rise significantly “if Buddy is implicated in this Whitewater thing.”

Q. In your opinion, what is the single most common error that I am likely to make, as a taxpayer?
A. In our opinion, that would be having “light” beer in your refrigerator.

I Want This Sign!

Well How Did You Think They Were Going To Teach It?

Modern Day Revenge

That’s Insane . . . And Where Can I Get It?

Just Plain Cool

For When You Want Your Kid To Get Picked Up Going Through Airport Security

Now That We Found Him We Ain’t Letting Him Go Again!

You Know Someone Had To Have Tried This

And You Thought Those Big Kitties Were Bad Asses

But It Will Make Your Hair Grow, Trust Us

The Self-Checkout Ad They’d Never Make

George Carlin Quotes

1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

17. The status quo sucks.

18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Be Careful What You Ask For

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.

At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”

Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”

I’ve Learned That…

• You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes…After that, you’d better have lots of money
• Money cannot buy happiness…It can let you look in better places though
• You shouldn’t compare yourself to others…They are more messed-up than you think
• Heavy smokers should save their cigarette filters…They make excellent insulation for one’s attic
• You should always leave loved ones with loving words…You may need to borrow money
• Either you control your attitude…Or you will be put on medication
• Your family won’t always be there for you…Unless, of course, you win the lottery
• No matter how you try to guide your children…They may eventually get arrested and appear in the newspaper
• You cannot make someone love you…All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
• You can avoid high blood pressure by cutting yourself…Bleed for a while & reduce the pressure in your veins
• Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of the microwave…It’ll show you if microwaves are leaking if the bar melts
• A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock…Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
• You should Love your neighbor…Just make sure her husband isn’t home first
• If it weren’t for humor…We might never get at the truth
• You should never get in a fight with an ugly guy…He has nothing to lose
• If at first you don’t succeed…You’ll get lots of advice

Everyone Asked A 100-Year-Old Man For His Health Secrets

The old man said:
I’ll tell you the secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years.
Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for 75 years!

Everyone asked again:
But how come your wife’s very healthy as well?

The old man answered:
I’ll tell you another secret.
She’d been following me to make sure I really finished the 5 kilometers.

Oh, Canada

Before the Vancouver 2010 winter Olympics, certain people asked interesting questions to the Canadian tourism bureau. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare it by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Man Explains How He Managed To Stay Married All These Years

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spendada money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary??”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

Prison Vs. Housewives

In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

This Kinda Thing Has Been Happening Since People Started Wearing Clothes

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “Aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chiefs uniform?”

Things Mom Would Never Say

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”

Very Dedicated

Boss: “I Love how you’re always the first one in the office at 7 AM. Such a dedicated employee!”

Me: “Thank you, Sir. I believe the early bird gets the worm.”

Boss: “That’s the spirit! What are you working on so early?”

Me: “I’m working on finding the best spot to take a 2-hour nap before everyone else arrives.
Actually, I’m only here because my Wi-Fi at home died, and the office is the only place where I can watch my favorite series in 4K without my wife asking me to help with the dishes!”

The Never Ending Question

I Need To Use This

So That’s Who Did It

Why Don’t They Just Call It Road Kill Stew?

Smart Modern Dad

Cool! Where Do I Sign Up?

It’s Sad I Know

You Really Shouldn’t Piss Off Clark Kent

At Least The Dogs Stayed With Him

That’s How It’s Going To Be Remembered

Easter: A Scottish Three Year Old’s Take…

How To Know Your At A Republican Seder

10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.
9. They demand a recount of the ten plagues.
8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzimto buy a goat.
7. The afikomen is hidden in the Caymen Islands.
6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.
5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?
4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.
3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.
2. They keep saying “when do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”
And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:
1. They end the seder by singing “Next year in Mar-a-Lago.”
HAPPY PASSOVER

Happy Passover

The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids)

Opening Prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four Questions:

1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers To The Four Questions:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like your grandmother’s horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A Funny Story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.

(Note: Heat soup now)

The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:

Wise child – Explain Passover.
Simple child – Explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – Explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – Browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking Of Children:

We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The Story Of Passover:

It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.

We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Note: Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The Singing Of “Dayenu:”

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.

(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL

Now I’m Assuming That They Really Didn’t Mean For It To Come Out This Way

Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Twas The Night After Seder

Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste)
After both the Sedarim, went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scale, I couldn’t believe it!
The treadmill and bicycle wouldn’t relieve it.
I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared;
The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.

The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet;
Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.
I know we made kiddish and recited each plague,
But right now I’m foggy, and my memory is vague.

So, don’t give me mat-zoh, chopped liver or wine
I’ll do my aerobics and never more dine.
I’m walking to shul, so what if it’s far?
I’m not even thinking of taking the car.

What The Engineers Say And What They Really Mean

“A number of different approaches are being tried”
We’re still grasping at straws

“We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem”
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

“Close project coordination”
We know who to blame

“Major technological breakthrough”
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured”
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive”
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

“Test results were extremely gratifying”
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned”
The only person who understood the thing quit

“It is in process”
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

“We’ll look at it”
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

“Please read and initial”
Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake

“Give us the benefit of your thoughts”
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done

“Give us your interpretation”
I can’t wait to hear this!

“See me” or “Let’s discuss”
Come into my office, I’m lonely

“All new!”
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

“Rugged”
Too heavy to lift

“Lightweight”
Lighter than rugged

“Years of development”
One finally worked

“Energy saving”
Achieved when the power switch is off

“Low maintenance”
Impossible to fix if broken

The Poison Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asks, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously answers, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

Ways To Annoy The Guy In The Next Stall In A Public Bathroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
8. Sigh relaxingly.
9. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
10. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
11. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
12. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
13. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
14. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
15. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
16. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
17. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
18. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
19. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
20. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
21. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

Gossip Backlash

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

You Know It’s Going To Be A BAD DAY When…

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

Genie!

A woman strolling along the beach found an old bottle washed up by the surf. She rubbed it and out popped a genie. Amazed, she asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be reasonable. These people have been at war for as long as they’ve been around. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for nine hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a long, deep sigh and said, “Let me see that damned map again”

And A Few Glasses Of Wine

If Only He Had Asked For Directions

Most Guys Would Convert Just For That

But They Were Already Hard Boiled I Swear!

That’s The First Tattoo I’ve Ever Seen That Actually Makes Sense

Who Wouldn’t Want That?

That’s Against The Law Now?

But Boss I Don’t Think It’s Really Safe

WHY IS THIS SO HARD!!!

Still Cool AF

Milton Berle Vs. Statler & Waldorf 1977

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Savon.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

And You Thought Just The Chinese Characters Were Jokes

So yesterday while I was working at the bookstore some girl came up with a barcode tattooed on her wrist.

Of course, my first question to her was “Can I scan it?” I guess she had never had it scanned before and was pretty excited about it.

She talked about how sentimental it was to her and stuff.

I scanned it and she rang up as a bag of Jalapeno Cheetos.

She then became livid and, of course, I was dying of laughter.

Dangerous Virus Details

Just got this in from a reliable source It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of.
So be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the………

Did I already send you this?

Chemical Analysis Of Human Elements

Element Name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic Weight: ‘Don’t even go there’.
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralized by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Favorite Insults

“Your secrets are safe with my indifference.”
“You’re like the first slice of bread in the packet everyone touches you, but no one wants you.”
“A blowjob from you would classify as anal.”
“You’re so ugly, you couldn’t even arouse suspicion.”
“Your cooking is so bad the flies chipped in and bought you a screen door.”
“I hope your fingers change into fishing hooks, and you have to itch your balls.”
“You may not be the dumbest person on earth, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
“If I feed my dog alphabet soup, I bet he craps out an argument better than yours.”
“You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot that has instructions on the heel.”
“You continue to meet my expectations.”
“If he was any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich.”
“If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
“If you were any dumber, we’d have to water you.”
“I like you better the more I see you less.”
“Go peddle your stupid elsewhere.”
“Climb back in your mum and cook little longer.”
“You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.”
“You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.”

Dave

A Wicked high school teacher told his class, “Today’s lesson is on the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”

Then he dialed a random number on his phone, put it on speaker and, when someone answered, said, “Hello? May I please speak with Dave?”

The voice on the line answered, “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

The teacher hung up and said, “Now, students, that’s surprise.
Now I’ll show you irritation.” He hit redial and asked, “Hi. Can Dave come to the phone?”

“I told you, buddy. You have the wrong number.”
“Now that’s irritation.”

He dialed the same number a third time and asked, “Is Dave available?”
“Listen, you fucking dipshit, if you call me again, I’ll find you and shove that phone up your ass!”

The teacher says to the class, “That’s rage.”

Johnny said, “Sir? Didn’t you forget the fourth stage?”

“And, what is that?”

“Total confusion.” said Johnny as he hit redial and said, “Hi, this is Dave. Did I have any calls today?”

Inflation In The U.S. Is So Bad Right Now That…

- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

And finally…

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

He Should Have Gotten More Then A Black Eye

The teacher asked Johnny, “Why does your father have a black eye today?”

Johnny shrugs and says, “Well my Mom was sweeping the porch and Dad asked, “Are you cleaning the floor or are you just testing the broom before you fly your mother’s house.”

The teacher gasps, “And then?”

Johnny replies, “And then Dad learned that a broom can reach speeds of mach 1 when Mom is the pilot.”

My Area’s WiFi Names Are Crazy

I believe Wi can Fi
Life in the fast LAN
Martin Router King
Mum Click Here For Internet
No More Mr WI-Fi
Silence of the LANs
Tell my Wi-Fi love her
The LAN Before Time
The Promise LAN
Titanic Syncing
Wham Bam Thank you LAN
Wi-Fight the Feeling

So, What Syndrome Is It

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

Isn’t Family Great!

Well That Clears It Up

Coincidence? I Think Not!

Your What Whistles?

Thank God For Amazon

Fun For The Whole Family!

Barbie’s Off Her Meds

These Guys Just Hate Parents

Define Large

If He Were Mine I’d Cook The Bacon Myself

Why Girls Don’t Fart…

Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11) Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Living Wills

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.

Family Rules

1. Mom is not allowed to potty alone. She must be accompanied by a cat, a dog, a kid (teens too), or a husband asking nonsense questions.
2. Popcorn may not be consumed unless a large portion is given to the couch as sacrifice
3. Whole family members must not enjoy dinner on the same night
4. Every meal, regardless of what it is has to be called gross disgusting before we can eat it
5. Everyone must use their outside voices at all times
6. At no point, our kids allowed to know where their water bottles are
7. Being told to brush your teeth, has to be met with the response of total shock and confusion. every time
8. All kids must never sleep through the night on the same nights
9. Whenever you’re leaving school, you must only protect one glove. The other glove, who knows.
10. Bath time must be a trial run for Olympic swimming
11. No one can ever find anything except mom even if mom tells you exactly where it is.
12. All fruit must be consumed the day it’s bought! And then the next time same fruit has to be untouched so it goes bad.
13. Evidence of all snacks consumed must be left in the couch and on the floor.
14. It is forbidden to bring your dishes to the sink when finished eating.
15. When washing hands, water must be all over the counter and surrounding floor area.
16. Kid: I’m hungry.
Parent: What do you want to eat?
Kid: I don’t know
Parent: We have X,Y,& Z what do you want?
Kid: Nothing

There’s The Teacher

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”

How Do These People Survive?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

You Haven’t Had That Talk With Him Yet Have You?

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was Right About Everything

We miss you George, and need you now more then ever.

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

“It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. And by the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe.”

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those Little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d Like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”‘

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death”

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally, his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,”
Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Get real!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON DEATH
“Richard doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
– Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
– Tyra Banks

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
– Tasha

ON BATTING
“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz

ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.”
– Naomi Campbell

ON MOTIVATION
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista

Tip Top Shape

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. So, he asked, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”

The doctor said, “At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

I’m Guessing You Don’t Like Poetry

Well Thank You For Letting Us Know

Good Call

They Should Sell Those In Every Drug Store

Well At Least It Comes With A Pink Liter

So You Won’t Eat If It’s Dad, I Can Fix That

At Least Their Honest About It

I’m Not On Enough Meds To Take This Class

You Know It’s Bad When Even Cops Have To Take On A Second Job

Because We Really Need It