Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner

Steve Martin

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…Oh, uh, not have way.”

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

“I’ve had more women than most people have noses.”

“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”

“I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because 1 didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then 1 realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.”

“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.”

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

“We’ve had some fun tonight…Considering we’re all going to die someday.”

“I gave my cat a bath the other day…He loved. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…”

“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest days work.”

“I love money. I love everything about it. I’ve bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks, got a fur sink. Let’s see, bought an electric dog polisher, a gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater, and, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.”

A Little Girl Who Refuses To Go Along With The Crowd

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.” says Kristen

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

Amazing New Inventions

• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chairs
• Water proof tea bags
• Watermelon seed sorter
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• See through toilet tissue
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap
• Helicopter ejector seat

Kinds Of Bras

Jerry walks into the lingerie department at Macy’s and tells the sales associate, “I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.”

With a puzzled look, the associate asks, “What kind of bra?”

He repeats, “A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you she wanted a Southern Baptist bra and that you’d know what she meant.”

“Oh, yes, now I understand,” says the sales associate. “We don’t get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused and a bit flustered, Jerry asks, “So, what are the differences?”

The associate responds, “It’s really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He ponders that for a moment and says, “Hmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?”

“Ah,” she replies, “the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.”

Baddie Comebacks!

You’re so ugly
Umm….I have a question when did I become your twin?

You smell
Oh really? Well i guess you don’t know the smell of success

Oh are you about to cry, cry baby
*Fake cough* Yes because you breath smells like onions

*Rolls Eyes*
Keep rolling then maybe you’ll find a brain back there or maybe its to small to see it

Your stupid
Oh thank you I was trying to act like you

Your name is stupid
Well then why does it keep coming out of your mouth

You’re ugly
And your pretty, there now we both lied

I hate you
Well, that’s unusual cause my middle figure seems to like you

Everyone is laughing at you
And everyone cheers when you leave the room

Get a life
Like yours? Nah I’ll pass!

Your gay
Honey I am straighter than your teeth

Your forehead is huge
No wonder I’m so smart!

Lion Tamer

“Two unemployed guys are talking:
One says. “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”

The other replies. “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”

“Yes I do!”

“Well, Okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“I’ll take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw and hooks the chair with them big claws and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“I’ll take that whip they all carry and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“I’ll take that gun they all carry and shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”

“I’ll pick up some of the sh*t that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes and I run out of the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain’t no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“You ain’t thinking none to clear, cause if that lion comes at me and he throws the chair out of the cage and he bites the whip in two and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!”

Famous Quotes From Women

• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I Didn’t Know Cat’s Stuttered

A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only creatures that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand, saying, once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary!”

The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss Sssss, Sssss And before she could say ‘Shit,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Old Cinderella

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having me neutered”.

Finally, I Sign I Really Need

You Should Really Mark Those

So Much For The Good Old Days

THAT’S THE ONE I NEED! BECAUSE OF THE DOG . . . RIGHT?

I Don’t Know This Child, She’s Not Mine

Well At Least Your Not Constipated Anymore

Buy Them What They Really Want

Buzz Did Not Survive Skynet’s Initial Attack

I Can Believe It

And I Thought Movie Ratings Were Weird

World Class Apologists

Things Overheard During Back-to-School Week

“No, you have it backwards. It’s the librarian for weed and the janitor for meth.”

“Mom packed me a healthy lunch again. Does anybody want to trade a vape for some quinoa?”

“Why are the geeks getting all the girls nowadays?”

“When the seniors shove me into my new locker this year, it’s a little bigger and it smells better.”

“True, the other moms are taking ‘first day of school’ photos, but you’re a Ph.D. student, for Christ’s sake.”

“The principal just sued the school newspaper, tariffed the exchange students, and named the gym after himself. Finally, some leadership!”

“I know it’s expensive, Mom, but all the kids are wearing the Prada bullet-proof vest this year.”

“If you can write your paper with an AI, I can grade it with an F.”

“It was amazing. My mom talked to Mr. Manning in private for twenty minutes and I didn’t get in trouble.”

“Make sure you have your house key, sweetie. Mommy’s hitting the liquor store on the way home and won’t hear you knock.”

Rat Vs Food

It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it:

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time and, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students. “This experiment shows that food is the greatest attraction, do you agree?”

Then, one of the students from the back rows said. “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said, “You just got an A.”

Games For The Elderly

1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

Sinned

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional booth.

After a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”.

The woman says “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

How To Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme constantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.

Check out a mystery novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

Set the demonstration model alarms clocks in the department store for random times.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

What Do You Have?

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’

The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?

Polite Insults

“You look so much smarter than you are!”
“I love how you don’t let facts influence your opinion”
“You have such a unique way of misunderstanding things”
“Wisdom is chasing you but God blessed you with speed”
“You light up every room you leave”
“It’s very hard to underestimate you”
“I’m so glad your pretty”
“I love your simplicity when it comes to critical thinking”
“You carry yourself with the confidence of a much taller man”
“Your mom must be so proud of your siblings”
“What sport do you think you’d play if you were athletic?”
“You look like you were painted by Picasso”
“Have the day you deserve”
“You’re a walking reminder that thinking is optional”
“I love that you know so much and so little at the same time”
“You have so many talents that no one would think of wanting”
“I want to be like you; no one has expectations of you.”

What To Wear

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper.”

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice: “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed,” replied the rabbi.

Reasons To Drink

Like you need them!

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
11. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
12. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?
13. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
14. Your friends might have a good time without you.
15. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
16. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

Which Is Worse

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

And People Really Appreciate It

I Know, Right!

You Can Never Tell These Days

Ride Em Cowboys!!!

But How High Were They?

Who Says Father’s Can’t Motivate Their Kids

This AI Is Getting Out Of Hand

And Gets Arrested

Grandma Has A New Hobby

Well At Least Their Honest About It

Sunrise Semester With Moe Green – SCTV

Form Completion

I love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally stupid answers.
Thought I’d share a few with you:

Form: Length of Residence:
My Answer: 62 Feet

Form: Are you a leader or a follower?
My Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers

Form: Reason for requesting employment
My Answer: To earn Money

Form: Pet Aversions
My Answer: None, I love animals

Form: Beneficiary
My Answer: Wife

Form: Relationship
My Answer: Strained

Form: Purpose of withdrawal
My Answer: Get money to spend

Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
My Answer: Anyone in sight

Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
My Answer: Three

Form: Disposition of passengers
My Answer: Mad as Hell!

Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
My Answer: None that I know of; Liquor a much larger problem

2 Arabs And A Rabbi

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a coke.”

“Don’t get up, said the rabbi, I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:

“Why does it have to be this way?”

“How long must this go on?”

“This fighting between our nations?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Deep Thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake with more frogs.

Life is good.

He Said, She Said

He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!”

He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”

He said “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?”
She said “We don’t know, it has never happened.”

He said “Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said “They already have boyfriends.”

He said “What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?”
She said “A widow.”

He said “Why are married women heavier than single women?”
She said “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.”

Loving Parents

Ever since you were born, it’s almost like you’ve been a son to us. It seems like yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. At least now you’re housebroken and can eat solid foods. As you’ve grown older your fascination with puns has grown, and our love for you has dwindled. Although you may not be number one, you are at least in our top four children. By the time you read this, your stuff will be packed in bags out front so time to load’ up and become someone else’s problem.

Love Mom and Dad
P.S. We’re moving so don’t try to find us.

How To Speak Southern

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
——————————-

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “I think I’m having a hot attack!”

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.
Usage: “Ya’ll seed Jimmy Johnson?”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

Never Take Your Mother-In-Law Hunting

A hunter planned a relaxing safari vacation with his wife. To his disappointment, his mother-in-law came along, complaining every step of the way.

One night, deep in the jungle, the husband and wife woke up to find the mother-in-law missing from her tent. Panicked, they rushed outside into the moonlight to search for her.

Before long, they stumbled upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was standing in a small clearing, backed up against a tree, facing down a huge, wild lion that was growling fiercely.

The wife grabbed her husband’s arm, terrified, and screamed, “Oh no! What are we going to do? That lion is going to attack her!”

The husband calmly put his hand on her shoulder, shook his head, and said:

“Listen, honey… that lion got himself into this mess, he can figure his own way out!”

Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
2. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
3. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
4. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
5. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
6. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
7. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
8. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
9. When vomiting becomes a relief.
10. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall
11. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
12. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
13. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
14. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
15. Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
16. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
17. No ocifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…
18. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down….No Problem
19. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
20. Take me drunk, I’m home!

Where Are They From

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Englishman looks and says: “They look so calm and serene… they must be British!”

The Frenchman replies: “No, no! They’re naked, and so, so beautiful… they must be French!”

The Russian says: “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? … They’re clearly Russian!”

If You Think This Is Cool You Won’t Need It

The Perfect Time To Throw A Party!

What Ever Time You Want To Come In I’m Probably Not Here Anyway

Because Theirs Nothing A Three Year Old Likes Playing With More Then Poo

At Some Point You Have To Admit That It’s Time To Retire

Don’t You Hate It When Humans Do That?

Yep, There Everywhere Now

Somehow I Just Don’t Think She’s Going To Fall For It

That’s Just Mean . . . Funny, But Mean

At Least They Did It Classy Way Back Then

Misery, My Sweet Babboo – Robot Chicken

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

As Long As She Walking

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Odd Signs…

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

• Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
• In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
• In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
• English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything–bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
• Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
• Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
• Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
• Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
• Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
• Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
• Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
• Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
• Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
• Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
• Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
• Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
• Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work.)
• Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Baseball In Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”

5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”

9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights?”

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

Savage Insults

• “Imagine the conversations we would have if you replied as fast as you finished.”
• “It’s ok. I’m too complex to be understood by narrow minded simplicity”
• “I see you’ve set boundaries between yourself and common sense”
• “Your learning curve must be a circle”
• “That’s an interesting conclusion you have come to considering the resources available to you.”
• “Intelligence is chasing you but you are faster”
• “You aren’t even worth the fu(k it took to make you let alone my time”
• “Working with you is like working alone but harder”
• “You look like I earn Monopoly money”
• “That’s why you look like a busted up radiator you bell pepper built bitch”
• “You possess a mind that is completely unburdened by the complications Of thought”
• “That was definitely a choice, but not one I would make”
• “My baby daddy was in jail and I told him I wasn’t about to argue with someone who has a bedtime”
• “Whatever makes you feel taller”
• “I love how committed you are to your limitations”
• “I truly admire your notable courage to speak in the vast absence of knowledge.”
• “Were you dropped on your head as a baby or did you just slide out a fu(king dumbass?”
• “If brains were measured in cotton, you wouldn’t have enough to make a tampon for a flea.”
• “You need to start taking your fiber intake more seriously since you’re always so full of shit”
• “A douche Of your magnitude could cleanse a whales vagina.”

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”

Five Stages Of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

The Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

Well At Least I Know I’m Normal

Don’t You Hate It When That Happens

Modern Neighbor Feud

It’s Never Too Early To Start

Who Says Red Necks Can’t Be Poets

And Head Off To That Even Worse Job, But It Just Pays Better

But What If Their Really Slow?

Ouch! On So Many Levels

No, That’s Not What He Means

It’s Hard Being A Computer These Days

Stormtrooper Vlog On Hoth But They Didn’t Bring A Jacket

Classified Classics

* A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
* Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* We don’t tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
* Dinner Special – Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

A Cab Ride

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver slowly answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper.”

The woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her, “Vell….. M’am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

Quotes From Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.

I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer to my money.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

I must say the Senator’s victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

Last Requests

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'”

Reasons It’s Great To Be A Guy:

– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
– A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
– Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
– You can open all your own jars.
– Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
– Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
– When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
– You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
– You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
– Your last name stays put.
– You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
– Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
– Chocolate is just another snack.
– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
– You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
– Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
– You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
– You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.
– You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
– Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
– You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.
– The remote control is yours and yours alone.
– People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
– You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
– If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends you’ve changed.
– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Not That Smart

Husband: “Honey, where did you put the sugar? I want to make some coffee.”

Wife: “In the kitchen… Inside the jar labeled SALT.”

Husband: “Huh? Why would the sugar jar be labeled salt?”

Wife: “So the ants won’t find out.

The husband nodded. “Oh…that’s actually pretty smart.”

The wife smiled and added: “Just like on your phone…. why is Sophia saved as Michael?”

The Life Cycle Of Software

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2

The Conscientious Ransomer

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money…

I sent them my pay stub…

Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

The Top Signs You’re In A Bad Nursing Home

• Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.
• Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
• Defibrillator doubles as a remote control.
• Its named Matlock Manor.
• No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
• Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
• You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.
• Rectal thermometers made of wood.
• Two words: Community Bedpan.

Watch Out For Those Holes

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls.
Nobody cleans those holes.
There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there.
Taco fingers.
Chicken fingers.
I’m amazed those balls still have holes.
Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins?
You’re wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

Back When He Was Middle Age

Good Decision!

That’s It Grandma, Teach Him How To Fail Early

I Gota Try That

Of Course Were Not Here For The Money

Really, You Couldn’t Have Just Texted Me That?

Why Do You Need My License And Registration?

I Told You To Go To McDonald’s

Some People Are Just Evil

Well Who Did You Think Was In There. He Was Finally Able To Say The Shit He Always Wanted To So They Had To Beep Out Every Word

The universal dysfunctional family

Puritans – Mitchell and Webb

Savage Comebacks To Insults

I. Insult: “Your so short”
Reply: “Yes, without the ‘S’ and ‘R'”

2. Insult: “Your adopted!”
Reply: “At least, I was wanted unlike you”

3. Insult: “Awh… are you gonna cry?”
Reply: “Yes cuz your breath smells like onions”

4. Insult: “Your so dumb”
Reply: “Well if your so smart, then you should know when to shut up.”

5. Insult: “Who are you?”
Reply: “your nightmare”

6. Insult: ‘Does it look like I care?”
Reply: “You care enough to answer”

7. Insult: “Get a life”
Reply: “Like yours? Nah I’ll pass”

8. Insult: “Your two Faced”
Reply: “Yeh, and neither of them likes you”

9. Insult: “Nobody likes you”
Reply: “I’m not responsible for their bad taste”

10. Insult: “Your not funny”
Reply: “Never said I was”

Great, Can You Help Me With This…

WHAT I SAY
“I’m Tech Support…”

WHAT PEOPLE HEAR
“I can repair your computer, fix your internet, configure your printer, build an app and hack into anything. All for free.”

WHAT I MEAN
“I can google better than average.”

Crib Notes For Life

• All the world’s a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
• Boldly go where everyone’s already been, but at discount rates.
• Constant change is here to stay.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Do it right the first time, and maybe I’ll let you do it again.
• Don’t move, I want to forget you just the way you are.
• Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I stepped on a Tetanus needle today…now what?
• I will defend to your death your right to my opinion.
• I’m getting tired, why don’t YOU try being perfect for awhile?
• If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
• If you can’t enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
• If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.
• Let go of what you are and you might become what you could be.
• Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Quick!!Act as if nothing has happened!
• Reality is a cheap substitute for Prozac.
• Shake well before and after use.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• The computer revolution is over. They won.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

How To Change Your Password.

Password requirements:

Your password must contain at least 14 characters, one uppercase letter, one lowercase letter, one number, one symbol, one ancient curse, the name of your childhood imaginary friend, the emotion your house gives off, exactly three regrets, and one hieroglyph. It cannot contain your name, any dictionary word, any previously used password, or any sequence of characters known to humanity. It must be changed every 17 minutes, but may not resemble any password you’ve ever thought about.

10 Things You Never Hear In Church

1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Now Hiring 911 Dispatcher

Seeking an individual who understands the following:

(Can’t care about anything too much)

1) Work with only 4-6 hours of sleep.
2) Get yelled out by people who called YOU for help.
3) Work 12 hours shifts, sometimes no time to eat or use a restroom.
4) Hide your emotions during the toughest calls.
5) Miss family gatherings, birthdays, kids sporting events.
6) Work a crazy amount of overtime with a high turnover rate where there seems to be a new face every other week.
7) Have crazy thoughts in your head, replay calls in your head and trying to think how you could have changed the outcome – we all know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
8) and so, so much more. Like a lot more. Not even kidding.

Interested? Apply at your local police department.

The Piss Guide According to Australian’s

Pissed: Either angry or drunk. Sometimes both.
Piss Easy: Extremely easy.
Pissed Off: Either in the context of being angry, or having left a place.
Piss Up: An event containing alcohol.
Pissing Down: Raining heavily.
Pissed On: Usually used to describe being rained on.
Piss Around: Dawdle or delay; procrastinate.
Pissing Contest: Attempting to prove one’s abilities are better than someone else’s, for no discernible gain.
Piss Faced (see also Shitfaced): Inebriated.
Pissy: Either angry, or something very small.
Piss-Poor/Piss-Weak: Weak or disappointing.
Piss Head: Alcoholic individual.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be will be drunk, (I will be drunk,) at home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spilt against us

But deliver us from hangovers.
And lead us not into incarceration,

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.

What’s 2 + 2?

ENGINEER:- “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″
MATHEMATICIAN:- “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
PHYSICIST:- “It’s in the magnitude Of 1 x 101.”
LOGICIAN:- “This problem is solvable.”
SOCIAL WORKER:- “I don’t know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.”
ATTORNEY:- “In the case Of Sven son vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
TRADER:- “Are you buying or selling?”
ACCOUNTANT:- “What would you like it to be?”

Why You Should Be Able To Pick Your Own Doctor

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

I’ll Be Back For You In A Bit!

Please Be Nice To Stupid People

Know What Motivates Your Customers

Has It Occurred To Thomas That He Might Be The Problem

Who Comes Up With This Stuff?

I Don’t Care If You Think There Gross. I’m Eating Them Anyway

Oh The Shit You’ll Do When Your Blasted

You Still Have A Sub Woofer . . . With Kids?

Finally A Game I Can Win

Good Rules For Anytime

Space Battles If Star Wars Was Realistic

Asses

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass outta this
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
[_!_] a hard ass

Dealing With A Lawyer

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Ladies Bumper Stickers

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going.
4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
7. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.
8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
10. I’m Out Of Estrogen – And I Have A Gun.
11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like…who Cares?
12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
13. And Your Point Is?
14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
15. Of Course I Don’t Look Busy…i Did It Right The First Time.
16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.
18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.
19. I’m One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.
20. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
21. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I’m Not.
22. If We Are What We Eat, I’m Fast, Cheap And Easy.
23. Don’t Upset Me! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies

I Suppose Your One Of Those Who Are Just Here For The Paycheck

A paycheck? Oh, no, I’m not here for the money. I’m in it for the love of team building exercises, the perk of wearing jeans on Fridays, and the possibility of free grocery store sheet cake once monthly to honor every single employee who had a birthday that month in one go.

Media & Medicine

• News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising. (Lord Northcliffe)
• You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. (Joseph E. Levine)
• Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)
• There’s no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary. (Brendan Behan)
• I don’t care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right. (George M. Cohan)
• In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes. (Andy Warhol)
• Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. (Claud Cockburn, winning entry for a dullest headline competition at the Times)
• Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don’t need it: if you are sick you should not take it. (Henry Ford)
• I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)
• Either this man is dead or my watch is stopped. (Groucho Marx)
• I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)
• Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order. (Spike Milligan)
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

Life Choices

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was just coming down to kill you!”

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2034

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock
• Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped
• Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but Pres Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only
• 35 year study concludes diet and exercise is the key to weight loss
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights
• Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches
• Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

That’s A Good Way To Live To A Ripe Old Age

An elderly lady on a flight ordered a mini bottle of whiskey and a pack of salted peanuts from the flight attendant.

The young man sitting next to her frowned and said, “Ma’am, at this altitude, alcohol dehydrates you twice as fast, and the sodium is terrible for your blood pressure.”

The old lady took a sip and said, “My grandmother lived to be 106.”

The young man asked, “Really? Did she drink a gallon of alkaline water every day?”

The lady replied, “No, she lived to 106 because she sat in her own seat and kept her mouth shut.”

What Is A Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

The Pastor’s Wife

Gladys was the preacher’s wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church.

One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman.

In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

To which the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one!”

So That’s What Those Emoji’s Mean

Just Look At Them All!!!

The Story Of My After The Apocalypse Life

Well That Is A Good Reason

Good To Know

Yeh, I’m Single How Did You Know?

How To Know Your In A Bad Neighborhood

Just To Give Your Loved Ones Something Really Cool To Say About You

A Great New Drug Makes You Play The Game

Who Had The Worst Day?

Mom Commercial

Interesting Insults

• “I’m trying to understand your point of view but my frontal lobe is developed”
• “There goes that frontal lobe clocking out”
• “You should get two paychecks. One for what you’re worth and then another one to bring you back up to minimum wage”
• “I wish I could bottle common sense and prescribe it to you in pill form”
• “And you were the fastest swimmer?”
• “Bet you can tell window brands by taste”
• “You couldn’t pour water out Of a bucket if the instructions were on the bottom”
• “Your birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory”
• “It must be so freeing not to be saddled with the burden of comprehension”
• “You make me feel better about my own choices”
• “The strongest thing about you is your breadth”
• “I’m trying so hard to see this from your perspective but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my rear end.”
• “I don’t want argue with you AND have to explain all the big words I have to say”
• “You are about as useful as peddles on a wheelchair”
• “Word to the wise. . . and also to you”
• “Too bas your mom’s jaws were tired that night”
• “The acoustics in your head must be top tier”
• “I wish we were better strangers”
• “Even if I eat a soup with alphabet pasta and I shit it out, I would make a sentence smarter than yours”

Confusing L.A. Weather

L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood.

Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, Rained all day, didn’t help the drought.

Back to you, Tom.

I got news for you, folks. If water doesn’t solve your drought, you’re screwed.

Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. – Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Woman inspires us to do great things, and then prevents us from achieving them. –
Dumas

The great question…which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” – James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you’re wrong, Admit it.
2. Whenever you’re right shut up.
– Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… – Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

How Would You Arrest Him?

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the officer continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”

“In that case,” said the officer, “you’re under arrest.”

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” - If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” – She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” – She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” – She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like dancing with a giraffe.

“I am career minded” – Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel” – Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will.

“He must be well off” – She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

I Knew There Was A Good Reason I Wanted My Wife To Go Back To College

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said. “Yeah,” he said optimistically, “but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!”

Quotes On Stuff

Education
• He who can does – he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)
• In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)
• Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland – rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)
• Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
• I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ (Lenny Bruce)
• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)

Food
• Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal. (Voltaire)
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
• I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. (Clement Atlee)
• There’s no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)

Funerals
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)

Lawyers
• The first thing we do, let’s kill all lawyers. (William Shakespeare)
• The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)
• It’s not the people who are in prison worry me. It’s the people who aren’t. (Arthur Gore)

Smart Kid

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty senior for a dance.

She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”

“Please forgive me,” responded the underclassman. “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”

Rules Of Life

1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right.”
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
12. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

The ABC’s Of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, ‘You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.’

‘What does that mean?’ she asked suspiciously.

He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!’

She beamed at him happily and said: ‘Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?’

‘I’m Just Kidding!’

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Practice Outside, Perfect It At Thanksgiving

Because Marketing Cigarettes To Children Is Illegal Now

Well She Did Say She Wanted To Go Back To Work

Remember All Those AAA Companies In The Phone Book? Well Here’s The Modern Equivalent

These Californian’s Have Just Gone Too Far

Don’t You Hate It When You Can’t Find The Mailbox

I Always Suspected They Were Into The Kinky Stuff

At Least They Know Their Customers

Best Ad Ever

Yeh, That Pretty Much Sums It Up

Leave It To Beaver 25th Anniversary Party! – SCTV

If Men Got Pregnant

1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
14. Women would rule the world.

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter to you as my resignation of employment.

I have had a lifelong dream of becoming a pirate. And today I have been given this opportunity to finally become one. set sail on the September 1st, and will spend most of my time at work until then thinking of a pirate name. I am open to suggestions.

Please do not be alarmed if I start talking strange during this time too.

Yarrr, as per my contract of employment, I am giving ye 2 weeks’ notice and me last day will be the 20th of August.

Thank ye matey for ye support during me employment.

Heave-ho.

Scurvy Legs McGee

Thing’s You’ll Never Hear A Man Say

1. “Does this hunter’s outfit make me look fat?”
2. “Do you think he is prettier than me?”
3. “My wife never listens to me.”
4. “I’ll have the light vinaigrette salad and a diet soda.”
5. “Why don’t we go to the men’s room and freshen up?”
6. “No, I didn’t see the game last night. I was watching QVC.”
7. “Looks like it’s time to buy some new underwear.”
8. “Okay, who left the toilet seat up?”
9. “I’VE GOT MY FATHER’S THIGHS!”
10. “The dog??? No, that was ME.”

Grandparents

Two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparents’ home.

When it was time for bed, the two boys knelt down and began to say some prayers.

Suddenly, the younger brother started yelling at the top of his voice,

“I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE!
I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER!
I PRAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!”

His older brother leaned over and whispered, “There’s no need to shout. God isn’t deaf.”

“I know,” said the younger brother. “But Grandma sure is!”

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Do you mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I need to lick one more, I’m going to gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. Hmmm…looks like it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you suppose you’ll be getting off today?
1. It’s just not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.

Fun At The Movies

Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see “Slumdog Millionaire” but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, ‘Excuse me ladies but I can’t hear.’

‘I should hope not,’ stormed the woman, ‘this is a private conversation.’

Gym Code Words

That was all you = you almost died
Engage your core = your form was shit
Looking big = looking average
Looking huge = looking average
I’m on a bulk = I’m eating like shit
I benched that in high school = I’ve never benched that in my life
I’m fighting demons = I can’t get over my high school girlfriend

Big Brothers

A little boy is learning to play the violin.

“I’m good aren’t I?” he asks his big brother.

“You should be on the radio” his brother replies.

“Wow, do you think I’m that good?” says the boy.

“No, but at least if you were on the radio I could switch you off.”

Deep Observations On Life

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” –Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” –Author Unknown

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”–Drew Carey

4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”–Jeff Foxworthy

5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”–Paula Poundstone

6) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness…. I could be eating as low learner.”–Lynda Montgomery

7) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”–Johnny Carson

8) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”–Paul Rodriguez

9) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”–Jerry Seinfeld.

10) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”–Warren Hutcherson

11) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”–Mark Twain

12) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”–A. Whitney Brown

13) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.–Unknown, presumed deceased!!

Married Men Only

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men.

One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…….or what?’

‘Not at all, Ma’am,’ the Factory Manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.’

Because Your Parents Were Assholes

I Always Suspected

Finally A Restaurant That Understands

And That’s Why Scooby Can’t Go Near Schools Anymore

For Men Who Like A Challenge

Because We Like Other Peoples Drama

Dodged A Bullet There Didn’t Ya

Well, Most Of Those Make Sense…I Think

Who Cares, We All Need It

Oh Yeh, Why Didn’t I Think Of That!

Child Star Psychologist With Kiernan Shipka

10 Sentences That Cashiers Hate

1. It didn’t scan so it must be free!
2. Can I speak to the manager?
3. Do you work here?
4. Can you look in the back?
5. How much is this?
6. Are you open?
7. I just made that $100 bill this morning!
8. This other place has that cheaper!
9. I’ll take my business elsewhere.
10. You close at 9? Luckily I got here at 8:58!

Clear Communication Is Important In A Marriage

A man was working in the garden, and his wife was about to take a shower.

He realized he couldn’t find the rake…and yelled up to his wife

“Where is the rake?”.

She couldn’t hear, so she shouted back, “what?”

He pointed to his eye, and then to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife wasn’t sure and said “what?”

He repeated the gestures. “Eye – kneed – The rake”

His wife replied that she understands, and signals back.

She first points to here eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”

She replies: “Eve – Left Tit – Behind – The Bush!”

Day Off

So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!

Punishments Need To Be Tailored To The Kid

My mom is yelling at my brother and I overheard this.

Mom: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Brother: That’ s not fair
Mom: DO AS I SAY!
Brother: You never send Lizzie to her room when she’s in trouble!
Mom: Lizzie never leaves her room. If she were in trouble I’d make her sit in the living room or go outside or talk to human beings.
Me: I CAN HEAR YOU!

I’m Looking For Insults So Intelligent You Don’t Realize You’ve Been Roasted Until 4 Thoughts Later

• As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?
• I wish I lacked common sense, you seem so happy
• I don’t know what’s wrong with you but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
• You state the obvious with such a sense of discovery
• I like how you never let facts get in the way of your opinion
• I admire your courage to speak in the absence of knowledge.
• You’ve mastered the tone of authority without the inconvenience of depth.
• I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
• It’s impossible to underestimate you.
• Between you and me one Of us is smarter than you
• The acoustics in your head must be incredible
• You have the kind of unshakable confidence the usually comes with competence
• As expected by someone who holds a pen with a fist
• Knowing you have the right to vote makes me what to get into politics and change that
• I love how much smarter I feel every time I walk away from a conversation with you
• There is a tree on this planet whose sole purpose is to produce oxygen for you, so go apologize to it.
• I guess common sense isn’t a flower that blooms in every garden
• You might be the only person I’ve ever met that has reached their full potential
• Big Brother would LOVE you
• It’s nice that you’re committed to your level of understanding.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more,’ so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lesser-Known Knights Of The Round Table

• The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
• The knight no one believed: Sir Real
• The knight too big to sit at the table: Sir Round
• The knight who designed the table: Cir Circumference
• The undercover knight: Sur Veillance
• The knight who was never killed in battle: Sir Vivor
• The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed
• The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prize
• The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
• The knight who kept the maps up-to-date: Sur Veyor
• The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
• The knight who performed in three rings. Sir Cus

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: size does matter.

Sincerely, [Your name here]

Smart Replies To Insults

Insult: “You’re not even that smart.”
Reply: “Smart enough to not argue with fools.”

Insult: “You’ve changed.”
Reply. “I evolve. You should try it.”

Insult: “Nobody likes you.”
Reply: “I’m not an app—I don’t need likes.”

Insult: “You think you’re perfect.”
Reply: “No, I just don’t broadcast my flaws like you do.”

Insult: “You talk too much.”
Reply. “And yet you’re still listening.”

Insult: “You’ll never make it.”
Reply: “Watch me—your doubt is my fuel.”

Insult: “You’re so full of yourself.”
Reply: “Better than being full of negativity.”

Insult: “You’re a joke.”
Reply: “And you’re the awkward silence after.”

Insult: “You’re too sensitive.”
Reply: “And you’re too careless. Balance exists.”

Insult: “You’re a nobody.”
Reply: “Yet somehow I’m still on your mind.”

What Do You Think He’s Reaching For

Man in bed with his wife…

Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders…. across her waist… under her neck… below her neck… under her back… & suddenly stops…..

Wife: (In a romantic voice) Why did you stop???

Man: Got the remote… you can go back to sleep

Ok, Maybe Two Things

Someone Who Doesn’t Want The Cops Searching For Evidence

At At Least Make Sure He’s Wearing A Helmet

That’s A Good Rule To Follow

We Believe In You!

Great, Now How Do We Make That Pay?

Yeh, It’s Not Just Him

Fine! For The First Picture You Can Were Whatever You Want

What Did You Think Was Going To Happen

No Man Would Want That