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Friday Fun Stuff – 11-18-11

fridayfunstuff — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:40:08 +0000

The Naked Balloon Dance

TGI Fridays In Manchester England

These guys spend way too much time at work.

http://file.qip.ru/embed/111226964/dfc05946

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It

10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

09. Now smokes more than his campaign manager

08. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

07. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his mustache

06. Claims Justin Bieber is his father

05. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

04. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

03. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

02. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I’m sorry, that was Rick Perry

01. He’s engaged to Kim Kardashian

How To Wash A Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

New Airport Security System

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.

Shalom!”

Funny Facts About Women

1. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.

2. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

3. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

4. Finally, when an act of love ends, women do not feel like sleeping. They feel like talking and kissing.

5. Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex

6. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

7. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

8. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

Non-Politically Correct

If your even the least bit offended by anything move on to the next joke. I’m not kidding.

(1) I’m living next door to an Iranian couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil….

(2) Can you spare just $2.00…? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fu(king hilarious.

(3) I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, “good morning you ugly prick?” It’s not yours is it?

(4) I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

(5) Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. I’m fu(kin’ worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

(6) There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. It’s an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’

Miscellaneous Quotes

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.

-Lou Holtz

Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.

-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

-George Carlin

I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.

-unknown

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

-Mark Twain

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.

-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach

My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.

-Bobby Hull

I had a better year than he did.

-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.

-Robert Byrne

The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.

-unknown

We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

-unknown

Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

-Harry Neale, NHL coach

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.

-Tommy Lasorda

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

-Dave Barry

I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.

-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.

-Jane Austen

The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.

-Sacha Guitry

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.

-Mark Twain

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

-H.L. Mencken

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”

Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.

-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

-Pearl Williams

TV Interview Gone Wrong

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t!ts twice a day…. and only screw!ng you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

The program was never aired….

Semi-Sick Jokes

A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The s@x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend…yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine… until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?

A wife says to her husband that “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

A Practical Example Of How The Human Mind Works

In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to different groups of people.

Read the analysis after the photo…

- For young men, this woman has a nice ass. The really observant will also notice the thong.

- For older men, it’s a respectable woman (with a nice ass) crossing the street.

- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

- The wise man will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is a fairly ordinary woman who never should have left house dressed that way.

- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

- The wise woman imagines the misery that dressing like this (while wearing a girdle) will be if she were to do it when she gets older.

- Children, gay men and eunuchs will probably notice a dog driving the taxi…

Don’t be alarmed, I didn’t see the dog either.

Far And Balanced My Ass

Finally A Protest Movement I Can Believe In

We Never Liked That Big Bird!

And After You Skin Them They Make Great Pillows

They Wouldn’t Have Said It If Someone Hadn’t Had Done It

What, You Said The Drive Thru Was Open

Of Course She Caught It All By Herself Why Do You Ask?

I Didn’t Know Planes Could Light A Fart

This Is What Happens When You Pay City Workers Minimum Wage

Who Said Baseball Wasn’t A Violent Sport

Friday Fun Stuff – 10-21-11

fridayfunstuff — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:50:26 +0000

He Said She Said

An un-romantic comedy

The Joy of Non Sex

This is just plain stupid!

Are You Smarter Than A 5th or 6th Grader?

Some thoughts about science from 5th and 6th grade students:

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.

- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.

- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait here.

While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.

(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!)

Ovarily Yours

Miss PMS

Employment Ads

And what they really mean.

1. Advancement Opportunity – Shit job

2. Entry Level – Really a shit job

3. No Experience Necessary – The mother of all shit jobs

4. Administrative Assistant – Shit job with a title

5. Ground Floor Opportunity – Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

6. Progressive Company – Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

7. Team Player – Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

8. Upbeat Personalities – Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

9. Word Processing Skills Essential – There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

10. Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important – $20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe

11. Pleasant Telephone Manner – Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK

12. Earn Up To $300/Hour – Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK

13. Salary Range $24K to $32K – The Salary is $24K

14. BA Required, MA Preferred – Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Politically Incorrect

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

Overheard a guy in the library today asking for a book on Homosexual Dwarf Sex.

The librarian replied “How can you stoop so low?”

“Thats the one” he replied

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide today. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better!

I spent some time by the wife’s grave today….

She doesn’t know, she thinks I’m digging a pond

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell…’

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” To which she replied “Probably that I married you for your money.”

Honest, officer….I don’t know either of the women…and the midget was on fire when I got here.

I never said it was your fault…I only said I was blaming you for it!

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I am fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity!

Don’t cry over spilled milk. It could have been beer!!

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations.”

But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?

(Obvious answer – They know she is going to have a baby. They suspect it may not be yours.)

Paybacks Are Hell!!!

This letter was sent to the School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fu(k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

G-d bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

Personal Ads

Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, football, and starting fights at three o’clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired man, a troublemaker, gets shit-faced and punches cops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Rednecks: Ya Gotta Luv’em

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till she’s 14.

How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies …..”Go ahead.”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?

A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed when a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?

‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D.? ‘ and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’

Survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Watch What You Say

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

“Well,” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mommy?”

“Oh yes, Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!”

Shakespeare, Updated:

“Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’ Lady.”

“Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?”

“If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?”

“Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?”

“My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.”

“Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.”

“Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?”

“Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”

“Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”

“Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.”

I Don’t Care What The Law Says I Don’t Want To Know

They Mean Parking! Damn You’ve Got A Dirty Mind!

What, I Ment To Do This

I’ve Heard Of Woman Trying To Trap Men But This Is Ridiculous

TIMBUR!!!!!!!!

When’s My Turn!

This Is The Last Time I Date A Woman From Craiglist

I’m Starting To Think This Was A Big Mistake

This Place Has The Best Toppings

You Forgot About Steve Wazniak