Friday Fun Stuff » Jokes

Friday Fun Stuff – 11-18-11

fridayfunstuff — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:40:08 +0000

The Naked Balloon Dance

TGI Fridays In Manchester England

These guys spend way too much time at work.

http://file.qip.ru/embed/111226964/dfc05946

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It

10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

09. Now smokes more than his campaign manager

08. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

07. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his mustache

06. Claims Justin Bieber is his father

05. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

04. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

03. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

02. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I’m sorry, that was Rick Perry

01. He’s engaged to Kim Kardashian

How To Wash A Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

New Airport Security System

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.

Shalom!”

Funny Facts About Women

1. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.

2. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

3. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

4. Finally, when an act of love ends, women do not feel like sleeping. They feel like talking and kissing.

5. Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex

6. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

7. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

8. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

Non-Politically Correct

If your even the least bit offended by anything move on to the next joke. I’m not kidding.

(1) I’m living next door to an Iranian couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil….

(2) Can you spare just $2.00…? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fu(king hilarious.

(3) I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, “good morning you ugly prick?” It’s not yours is it?

(4) I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

(5) Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. I’m fu(kin’ worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

(6) There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. It’s an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’

Miscellaneous Quotes

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.

-Lou Holtz

Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.

-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

-George Carlin

I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.

-unknown

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

-Mark Twain

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.

-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach

My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.

-Bobby Hull

I had a better year than he did.

-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.

-Robert Byrne

The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.

-unknown

We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

-unknown

Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

-Harry Neale, NHL coach

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.

-Tommy Lasorda

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

-Dave Barry

I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.

-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.

-Jane Austen

The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.

-Sacha Guitry

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.

-Mark Twain

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

-H.L. Mencken

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”

Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.

-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

-Pearl Williams

TV Interview Gone Wrong

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t!ts twice a day…. and only screw!ng you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

The program was never aired….

Semi-Sick Jokes

A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The s@x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend…yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine… until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?

A wife says to her husband that “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

A Practical Example Of How The Human Mind Works

In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to different groups of people.

Read the analysis after the photo…

- For young men, this woman has a nice ass. The really observant will also notice the thong.

- For older men, it’s a respectable woman (with a nice ass) crossing the street.

- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

- The wise man will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is a fairly ordinary woman who never should have left house dressed that way.

- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

- The wise woman imagines the misery that dressing like this (while wearing a girdle) will be if she were to do it when she gets older.

- Children, gay men and eunuchs will probably notice a dog driving the taxi…

Don’t be alarmed, I didn’t see the dog either.

Far And Balanced My Ass

Finally A Protest Movement I Can Believe In

We Never Liked That Big Bird!

And After You Skin Them They Make Great Pillows

They Wouldn’t Have Said It If Someone Hadn’t Had Done It

What, You Said The Drive Thru Was Open

Of Course She Caught It All By Herself Why Do You Ask?

I Didn’t Know Planes Could Light A Fart

This Is What Happens When You Pay City Workers Minimum Wage

Who Said Baseball Wasn’t A Violent Sport

Friday Fun Stuff – 11-11-11

fridayfunstuff — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 02:33:12 +0000

Not A Good Sign

You Need A “Girlfriend”!

Don’t be fooled! The side affects are pretty harsh,

Definitions Male/Female

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male…Playing any sport without a “cup.”

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male…Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male…What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female…A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male…Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female…A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male…Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female…An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male…An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male…Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female…A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male…A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female…An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner’s attention.
b. male…6 months off from spending time with what’s her name.

Best Excuse Ever

This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.

Heard from the head of HR of a large bank, that the best excuse for absenteeism he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years. It was from a female employee at their bank’s head quarters in Mumbai.

He says when the lady, was questioned as to why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied…….

“But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra! Now how could I have left him all alone at home…with the house-maid? ”

Short Jokes

I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.

I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.

I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leopard. They can rub their stumps together.

I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.

My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.”

Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!”

I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won’t trust him to wash it.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If I Lean A Little, Let Me!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said…..
‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.

More Car Insurance Statements
Not only can’t theses people drive, they can’t write either.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

“Well, that’s great….that’s just great….Some asshole’s got my pen!”

What Happens When A Fly Falls Into A Coffee Cup?

The Frenchman – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Italian – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

Why

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

An Eighth Grade Education In 1895

Could you pass this???

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?

Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie, Play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: digraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, lingual?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspin Wall, and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!

It All Began With An iPhone…

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her aniRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

Is That Better Then Tomatoes In Agony

This Sounded Like Such A Good Idea At The Time

What, You Didn’t Think Giving It All Away To Charity Was A Good Enough F@*#k You!!!

This Is Either A Really Good Idea, Or A Really Bad One

Is That Leagal?

And You Were Wondering Why You Couldn’t Get Insurance For This Job

It Didn’t Tast Like Chicken Did It?

Trampolines Are Good Exercise For Everyone

When It Absolutely Has To Work

This Is A Lot More Fun Then When We Had Horses!

Don’t Worry Were Video Taping The Whole Thing…We Play It At Parties